Dear Kyu,

Can I still call you that? After all that I’ve done? Please forgive the tears that have already stained this paper, please forgive this man, who has ignored all your messages and pleas. But you were right about everything. You saw the things I didn’t see, and knew all the consequences that was to come to me. You knew that once I had no one to turn to, I would come back to you. And I’m sorry. I am writing this letter, because it’s too late now. But I wish, so much, that I could see you again. To hug you and cry in your embrace.

You were right, Kyu, when I needed him the most, he left. I’m sorry I disappointed you. I’m sorry I never listened to you. I remember the first time I met him. I was ecstatic. You warned me about him, and how you didn’t trust him. I should’ve listened to you. But I didn’t.

Because I loved him.

So I argued with you, and stayed the night at his place. I remember your slumped shoulders, and the way you shook your head sadly, as you knew that I had changed.

I remember the day when he got drunk, I had gone to meet him, but he was too drunk to recognise me. I came home that day with bruises and cuts all over my face. You came running to me. You cleaned my wounds and hugged me. You cried for me, when I couldn’t, begging me to leave him. To leave him, before he became as dangerous as my own father. But I didn’t care.

Because I loved him.

So I pushed you away, and you fell to the ground. My heart was torn in two, seeing you betrayed and upset, but I still chose him.

The day you found a packet of white substances under my pillow. I thought you would get mad and you did. You punched the wall, your knuckles bled, as it made contact with the wall. You were shouting and swearing at me. How I had changed because of him. How I was no longer the little innocent guy who clung onto you. I had never seen you so mad. I had never seen you so disappointed. But I never did anything.

Because I loved him.

That night, I had locked myself in my room. That night, I heard your stifling sobs and cries at 1AM in your room. That night, I cried so much for the first time since I had lost my mother.

The morning you woke up to a note on your bedside drawer. I told you I was long gone. But I wasn’t. I was still outside, too scared to leave. To scared that I would miss you too much. I heard a loud crash inside. You had thrown something. I wanted to go back in so badly. But he stopped me, and told me to leave. I listened to him.

Because I loved him.

From that moment on, my life had changed. My identity had changed. I was no longer me. I never replied to your calls or messages, because of my pride. I didn’t want to admit that I was wrong. I regret it all. I fell into spirals of problems and addictions, and when I looked back to find someone like you to help, everyone had left. I was left on my own again. When I had a phone call from the hospital asking me if I was your friend, I wanted to say no. I was never worthy of that title, but I said yes anyways. I found out about the illness you were fighting. I found out how you were diagnosed, even before I had met him. You never told me though. Why didn’t you? I still don’t know.

I watched you, as you grew weaker and weaker each day. I never told you I was there. Because I was too ashamed to face you. I heard you beg the doctors to call me, so you could see me one last time, but I couldn’t. I’m sorry. Though, I did meet you, one last time, when you were sleeping peacefully. Up close, I couldn’t recognise you. Your beautiful face. It was pale and tired. You were slim. You didn’t look like the healthy, happy person you used to be 10 years ago, when we played at the park. But you still looked so handsome. There was a note in your hand. It was crinkled and torn. You had obviously been keeping it for a long time. I took it. It was a picture of me and you, smiling. On the other side, a small note, ‘I was never mad you. I love you, Sungmin. I love you so much.’

I had left you. All because I loved him.

That night, I went back the place I had shared with you. My room had been left untouched. I knew that you never stopped believing that one day I would come back. The walls in your room, however were covered with pictures of the happy moments we had spent together.

I wish I could fly away. Fly away to the place where I could meet you again. Can you see me now Kyu? I’ve been better. I want to see you again.

Because I love you.

Only you.

But it’s too late.

I'm sorry.

Love, the man you once loved.