Author: AnnoNiji

Title: I think I'm falling

Couple: Kiwoon

Length: 2444 words

Kikwang bowed to the three persons who just interviewed him for a job, thanked them, bowed again and walked out with last greetings before closing the door. The sound echoed through the almost empty corridor and startled him a little. The other persons waiting didn't even move nor look at him, immersed in their notes, trying to guess which questions would be asked.

Kikwang had a faint smile which didn't spread happiness and reached the stairs to exit the building. He really didn't know what to think of this interview – like the thousand ones he had before and surely the thousand ones that would follow. For him it seemed like those people who judged him with critical eyes to see if he was good enough weren't even human – no trace of sincerity, empathy, not even slight kindness nor pity. It scared him at first, to be in front of that kind of people, but interview after interview he became used to it – maybe now world was filled with robots.

It was so far away from what he was accustomed to before. He was that kind of person cheering, smiling, here to give strength and support. But it didn't seem to be a necessary thing in this huge and impersonal town where he was new and still lost. Even if he felt like a fish out of water, he had to try again and again to accustom himself and to learn how to breathe. It took times though, and he began to loose faith and courage. No one was here to cheer him up. He was alone but he would blame nobody because he was the one who decided to be here in the first place.

After graduating from college, having good times staying at his parents' house and enjoying a bit of this free life, he one day became aware that he needed a job. Until then he hadn't thought that much about money issue because his parents helped him kindly – he didn't abuse either – and he helped for some works here and there for one day, three, a week, if he wanted to have some extra money to pay something more expensive. But it wasn't concreet and he hadn't ever thought of something more serious, he didn't project him in the future. Dream job? A house? Car? Being with someone? Basic life like everyone? It seemed too sad for him to have to choose right now all of those things, but he was bombarded with questions by all of his parents' friends who came from time to time to the familial house – you don't have a drive license yet? Do you have a girlfriend? Still jobless? – and he felt so pressured that he chose to stop bothering his parents – they never said a thing to him but everyone else seemed to know what was the best for him. He felt lost and confused but it was true he couldn't stay with his parents forever.

Maybe it was too rushed but he pretty quickly prepared everything to move into town and to look for a job. Not that much of things held him back in his childhood little town. His school friends were since a long time already somewhere else. Lots of change could be good too, that's what he thought. But right now, he wasn't sure anymore.

It was already past 8 and outside was dark and cold. The lights illuminated weirdly the streets and he folded his arms against his jacket to keep him warm. He suddenly felt so tired after this long day. He wasn't even sure that he had successed any interview and he had to do it again tomorrow. He didn't have any strength left in his body. He yawned loudly, dragging himself painfully to the convenience store to buy his dinner. He didn't have that much money left so he just bought kimbaps, then took the bus after it to come back to his little studio.

The cold and empty lobby greeted him and he looked at his mailbox in which were few letters; his heart beat a little faster because he recognized the logo of few companies he had interviews with – he finally had some feed backs. And one in particular had all his attention. He ignored the others and, his plastic bag in one hand, the letters under his armpit, frenetically, he almost ripped what he really wanted to read – was he hired or not? Was he good enough to success for something he really wanted? The paper was in his hand and with fear he began to read: 'Mr. Lee Kikwang', while biting his lips badly of anticipation. His eyes wandered through the words, trying to catch their meaning, to find what he wanted to read – but what he wanted wasn't typed in black and white on this letter.

His body lost his state of rush and became numb. The letter fell from his hand and his eyes looked without looking to a random name on the mailbox next to him. He was like closed to the outside world, unaware of the automatic light which switched off because of his immobility, and then switched on again. His other letters fell one by one on the floor too, like his kimbaps because he just lost his strength, his grips on things, in this hall and in his life. He thought of a lot of things but no one made sens – all mixed and messed up and what to do now that his courage had disappeared with this word of rejection for the job he liked and wanted.

Where had gone his cheerful smile and his luck?

A little sound of shoes moving on the floor invaded his mind and he snapped back to reality, eventhough something was still missing. He eyed someone going to him and furrowing his eyebrows, he looked at this someone bending in front of him. What was he doing? He finally understood, noticing all his stuffs around him and he chocked, suddenly feeling ashamed in front of this stranger. He kneeled in haste and exclamed:

“I'm so sorry!”

He hazzily folded the few letters the other hadn't already in his hands, chewing worridly on his lips because he was afraid of annoying this man – maybe he was upset that he created such a mess and living here he didn't want any problem and he would curse at him and glare icely at him and –

“Is everything alright? Here, let me help you.”

Kikwang, who until then was staring at his hands in shame, lifted his head, a bit surprised. The man's voice was soothing, the words rolled on his tongue with kindness; care emanated from his eyes, and it's like at that moment Kikwang felt the sun on his skin, because the other made him at ease and he was startled because he hadn't felt that relaxed since he had left his parents' house. But what was more surprising was that he felt like that juste because of few words of an unknown person.

“Do you feel uncomfortable?”

His eyes lost themselves in the chocolate pool of this stranger's ones. His sharp and well-defined nose scrunched up in a worried pout, and his bangs fell on his eyes slightly when he moved a little forward, and Kikwang just stayed still, mouth agape. He flinched when the other put carefully his hand on his forehead, caressing the skin which became hot because this sudden skinship wasn't expected.

“Do you have a fever?”

“I... huh... no...,” Kikwang muttered, still lost in the other's gaze.

He didn't move when the man finished to take his stuffs in his arms – he had a tingling feeling on his forehead where the stranger had put his slim and long and perfect fingers – wait –

The other pulled him along on his feets and patted his arm with a smile, taking care of his kimbaps and letters.

“I'll make you some tea, you'll feel better, I swear. Oh, I'm your door neighbour, but we didn't have the chance to meet right? I think you were pretty busy. By the way, my name's Son Dongwoon. And you?”

Kikwang mumbled his name, not really aware of anything, but not bothered of it because, surprisingly, it felt good just to be in Dongwoon's presence – what a beautiful name; Kikwang's mind was filled with endless blue sky while hearing it.

His tiredness and letters were all forgotten in Dongwoon's hands.

The other lead them through their corridor and in front of the door, Dongwoon eyed him:

“Or... maybe you don't want to have a tea, if so I'm sorry to bother you...”

Kikwang blinked and shook his head no, eyes wide open, because even if he was still confused and couldn't think a straight thing nor say a thing – the fact that Dongwoon had invited him for a tea was a very good idea.

“I would love to. I-I'm sorry I didn't great you properly when I moved in here...”

“Don't worry, I received your rice cakes. It was yummy!”

Kikwang forgot to breathe for a second in front of the happiness glowing from Dongwoon's features – suddenly glad that this korean tradition to give his new neighbours rice cakes made Dongwoon this happy.

They entered his studio and Kikwang awkwardly took off his black thin boots. The room was as lively and shiny as his owner, and it felt like he was engulfed in a warm embrace after a rough day – comfortable and safe. Dongwoon invited him to sit on the couch while he occupied himself with teapot and mugs.

The couch was soft and mushy, perfect for snuggling or to take a nap. Taking a sight on everything here, Kikwang felt as if he wasn't in this new and impersonal town anymore but by a-long-time-no-see friend's studio; and it was as weird as nice.

His eyes wandered around the pictures, the little mess, a stack of books, until it fell on the table where Dongwoon had put Kikwang's plastic bag and letters. Kikwang froze seeing them and he remembered what Dongwoon's presence had made him forgotten.

All those interviews, and the rejection. The feeling not to be good enough and to struggle too much against nothing, not moving forward, stucked, still, and fighting against silence and simple air –

“Do you want to... tell me what bothers you?”

Kikwang, for the second time, snapped back to reality to find Dongwoon's eyes on his. In front of his muteness – because Kikwang didn't know what to reply honestly – Dongwoon put the fuming tea on the table in front of them and gave Kikwang a mug, then sat next to him.

“You seemed off, like when I entered the hall and you were frozen on your spot, letting your stuffs fall on the floor. Did something bad happen?”

For a few minutes, they silently sipped their tea, Kikwang trying to find sens in his thoughts, and Dongwoon not wanting to urge him.

Truth to be said, Kikwang wasn't sure of anything anymore – it felt like everything were rushed but at the same time that he was painfully at the same point since he arrived here. The difficulties he had with everyday life, the loneliness and insecurities, his lost sparkle he didn't seem to find back –

So he talked. He told Dongwoon everything. It came as his thoughts were dancing in his mind, randomly and in such a mess. Piece after piece, he opened up himself.

And Dongwoon was here – he listened to his words and Kikwang was so glad of it. Felt so blessed to be with him right now.

It was weird, right? To say all of those things to his door neighbour just met since few minutes. But Kikwang knew why he was at ease. Dongwoon wasn't like all those robots he had spend lots of time those past weeks. On the contrary, Dongwoon looked and acted like a normal person, and this simple fact – just to smile, to care and to offer a tea – was all that Kikwang wanted since he arrived here, alone. His stress disappeared as the words escaped his mind and his mouth, and after some minutes, he didn't feel that desperate anymore.

When he eventually finished, he sipped his not-so-hot-anymore tea. He wondered what would Dongwoon reply. The other tapped his fingertip on his lips, pensive, and then, pointed what was on the table.

“You still have to check the other letters. Even if it's not the one company you really wanted, if you applied for them, that's because you found it a bit interesting at least, right?”

Kikwang blinked. And blushed.

“What a fool I am. Worrying over this rejection while I still have other options,” he mumbled, his head hid in his hands because he was ashamed to have acted really childishly without thinking calmly.

“Hey, don't worry, I understand why you reacted like that. You just felt like... like... you were falling. In that kind of state, you can't think of everything and you need help, right?”

Kikwang stayed still, and was just mesmerized by Dongwoon's gentle smile toward him. Once again, they said nothing, and this cozy atmosphere seemed so normal to Kikwang that it was as if each of his evenings since he was in this town had been spended at Dongwoon's studio and not in his cold one.

The “How's the tea, by the way?” Dongwoon asked him evolved in a “Do you want to eat with me the kimbaps I bought?” by Kikwang. And the “You can always come by my studio when you feel like it” from Dongwoon wasn't something Kikwang would forget to do.

Their evening ended with Kikwang, mouth agape, that just realized that he was the hyung while Dongwoon totally looked older than him – “but everyone think the same the first time they see me, hyung”.

When he came back to his studio to go to sleep, Kikwang sat on his bed and smiled. He didn't feel like falling anymore. He looked at the few letters he hadn't open yet, and with a determined stare, he took one to read it.

An other fail or not, he would still do his best to adjust to his new life and find the thing he cherished the most, because he wasn't alone anymore, and he had recovered the strength he was lacking – in Dongwoon's gentle smile.