It was that time of the year again. August 25th. Like always, it was a beautiful, clear, warm, and sunny day. Not a single cloud in the sky. Changjo was driving from the flower shop, having to go to a specific store in Gangnam because the type of flowers he got weren’t at the grocery store. It was a fifteen minute trip from his house, and on that day Jonghyun always had a soft smile on his young, handsome face. That day always made him think back to the first August 25th since that wonderful day happened. To Ricky and Changjo’s one-year anniversary.

They were both teenagers, and both of them had never dated a guy before, let alone each other. Just spending time together after they began dating felt like a privilege that they never took for granted. Ricky and Changjo felt kind of awkward on the gift-giving on their anniversary. What did you give your boyfriend? Chocolates? Girls were supposed to be given flowers, but they were both strapping young men. The awkward level was raised up when they met in the park, the sun shining down lighting up their excited faces. They both held their gifts behind their back, counting down from three so they could give their gifts at the same time. Jonghyun grinned and beamed happily when Changhyun outstretched his arms. But the latter was frowning and actually looked shocked and offended. He gave Jonghyun a CD that he had been wanting forever. But Jonghyun got him flowers.

Taking them gently but hesitantly, Ricky looked at the white petals in almost dread. It didn’t feel like much of a present. Maybe to girls, but not to him. He just looked at him and said: “Jonghyun…” Seeing the unamused look, the younger defended his present. “Those aren’t just any flowers! Those are Daisies. They signify purity and innocence, and they’re as bright and beautiful as your smile. Every time I looked at them..I saw you.”

He smiled and touched one of the small flowers that were bunched together in fifteen, a rubber band around the stems and red plastic wrap around the bunch.

“They’re so natural and real…just like you.”

So they meant something after all. A slow and bashful smile came over Changhyun’s face, everything Jonghyun said was true. Plus it was the thought that counted. Changhyun took the flowers, hugged them to his chest and said softly: “Thank you, darling.” 

When their second-year anniversary came around, a strange feeling came over Changjo. He was in the clothing store, his fingers flicking shirt after shirt in search of the one Ricky wanted. He found the one, picked it out, and then stared at it longer than he needed to. He was thinking of another present he wanted to give him. But should he? It had already been done, a gift already given. And he wanted to give the exact same one. It was special but Ricky might not have wanted it a second time. It wouldn’t be a happy surprise. His hyung would most definitely ask: ‘Oh…again?’ and take them with a forced smile. He never liked that kind of thing in the first place, but it held deep meaning the first time.

Well, even if Ricky wasn’t going to like it, too bad. It meant something to Changjo so he was getting them anyway. 

To his surprise, when he presented those creamy white flowers again, Changhyun actually gave a real smile and took them eagerly. He touched the petals to his face and inhaled the nice smell, his bright joy and happiness once again matching that of the daisies. He blushed as Jonghyun placed a kiss on his cheek and wrapped his arms around him, looking at the daisies with him.

“Thank you, Jonghyunnie. I really love them..”

Ricky put them in a vase filled with water and set it on his nightstand. Changjo held his hand and kissed it. “So you can wake up every morning and know I thought of you.”

And that’s what happened. Every time the morning sun shone through his window, rudely waking him up, Ricky would groan then open his eyes. Turning to his right, though, he would smile, instantly feeling happy and warm inside. There were those pretty flowers, still fresh and smelling nice. Every time Changjo looked at them they reminded him of Ricky, and now every time Ricky looked at them, they reminded him of Changjo.

“…I want them next year, too.” 

The two boys were still very much in love into their twenties, some of the gifts changed but one was always the same. Year after year, Changhyun’s daisies would go into a vase and be set on the dining table in Teen Top’s dorm, much to the delight of their bandmates, who were more than happy to see the glee that was the love of the two youngest members emanate from the small, but meaningful plants.

In 2017, though, the flowers had to be taken somewhere new. It wasn’t Changhyun’s decision, but he had to make it. He had to move out of the dorm on January 8th. Jonghyun was upset but couldn’t argue. Jonghyun did all of the packing of Changhyun’s things. He put it all in big boxes and took out his bed. He worked for a few days until Changhyun’s room was totally empty. Nothing but white walls and the cold wooden floor. On the 8th, Jonghyun begged his boyfriend to stay. Their relationship wasn’t over, but their living arrangements were. 

A dark hole formed in Changjo’s heart when he had the dorm to himself and all was quiet. The other members, sadly, had also decided to move out shortly after his boyfriend had, much to his desdain. Ricky was in his new home a thirty-minute drive away. He sat on the couch and folded his arms, his body sore from unwillingly taking Ricky’s things out of the house and probably never going to see them back in there again. There wasn’t a good reason for Ricky moving out. It just happened so quick and it had to be done. But at least he could keep in contact with him every day.

When he woke up in the morning he’d text Ricky: “Good morning, hyung. I love you.” When Changjo missed him, he would look up Ricky’s flowers on his phone, scrolling through all the white daisies on Google. He was almost sure he had pretty much read every article and seen every picture there was, but he simply didn’t care. He just wanted to see Changhyun, his Changhyun. 

Texting him every morning wasn’t enough. Jonghyun went to his boyfriend’s new home and visited, greeting him and just talking to him for an hour or two a couple times a week. Sometimes he would break down and cry, saying he missed him and wanted him to move back in. He often said as tears slipped down his face: “Come back to me, hyung..Please..” but Changhyun couldn’t. He just couldn’t move back in. They lived together then they didn’t. They still loved each other but times had changed.

So on August 25th of 2017 Jonghyun bought those pretty white flowers like he did every year, and he drove thirty minutes to give them to him. By their second-year anniversary, there was no awkwardness like there was on their first one. But after five years of flower giving, this special day felt a little weird this time. Jonghyun stepped into Changhyun’s new home and walked up to him, keeping the flowers in his arms as he spoke gently.

“Hi, hyung. I wonder how many times I can get you these before you get sick of them. Please say never. Because even if you do, I’m still going to bring them to you every year, whether you like it or not.”

“What? No, I’m not offended that you didn’t get me anything this year. You’re here, and that counts. Well…never mind. Isn’t it a beautiful day? Look at the sky. There’s not a cloud in it.”

Changjo looked from Ricky back to his flowers, a small smile on his face. “Times have changed, hyung. But these flowers haven’t. And my love for you hasn’t. I-I will never stop loving you. Always. You’ll never see me cheat on you for someone else. Every year I will love you, and every year, on this day, I will bring you these daisies.” Changjo handed Ricky the flowers, placing them in a small metal container which they were meant to be for.

Changjo’s smile was now grim and tears surfaced to his eyes. “The color used to hold all the meaning, Ricky. They still remind me of your smile, but I can’t look at yours anymore. The meaning of the flowers is all I have now.” He took a deep breath in, trying to hold his smile. “Because I will never forget you. A-and these flowers…they’ll prove that. Every year, hyung. Every August 25th. I’ll be here to celebrate with you. I’ll sit right here and I’ll talk to you and you’ll listen, okay?” Tears slipped down his face and now he was forcing out a smile that kept breaking.

“I-I just…I didn’t think this could happen, Changhyun. This happens to other young couples, b-but not us. It’s not fair. I feel a little fear…every time I drive now. I get paranoid when cars get too close, my heart speeds up when I hear the screeching of tires. Maybe it’s stupid that I feel the fear. I wasn’t even there with you that January 8th. All I know is that it was ing cold when I got that…phone call. And it wasn’t much warmer in the hospital waiting room, either. I waited for a good two hours but I couldn’t see if you were okay. I had to wait for the doctor to tell me if you were alright or not.” Jonghyun violently brushed tears away and started shaking.

“…But you weren’t okay. I-I can’t believe I left without you. I-I slept in your bed for a week straight until I couldn’t leave it. The hyungs had to force me out of your room, shut the door, and not go in it again. It was just unhealthy, you know?” Unable to look at Changhyun, he looked up at the blue sky and watched a plane flying over him, a small speck in the big sky.

“…I wonder what you would have said if you saw me so weak and pathetic. Would you tell me to get off my and get a job? B-because it’s over now…for a little over six months now. No cameras, no choreographies, no songs. , I haven’t even seen Minsoo, Byunghun, or Niel since…that last interview they did about you. Only Chanhee because he lives not too far away. I-I guess it’s just too painful for the five of us to meet up now. So we stay apart. We can’t get together if you can’t make it. It wouldn’t be the same.” Jonghyun’s eyes were burning and his face was hot and wet, and he had to breathe through his mouth instead of his stuffed nose. Crying harder, he crossed his arms and stared at his lap, tear drops slipping off his chin and onto his blue jeans.

“I can’t let you go just yet.. It sounds selfish, I know, but..I’m..scared, hyung.” He muttered as he glanced down to read the gravestone for what seemed like the millionth time, making new tears fall down his face. Seeing Ricky’s full name followed by the words ‘In loving memory’ always hurt the most. Changjo couldn’t stand it. It seemed as if the stone’s only purpose was to trigger his brain to replay painful scenes of that dreadful day over and over again to mock him.

No, he wasn’t supposed to cry during his anniversary, Changhyun would get sad too.

Jonghyun let out a hoarse chuckle in an attempt to block his thoughts, harshly wiping his tears with his sleeve.

“Heh, remember when I used to say that all the time back when we debuted? You’d always try to cheer me up with a funny story or a game whenever I was discouraged..”

“Maybe I should just shut up. I’ve never cried on our anniversary…and I hope I don’t next year. I-I think I’m not ready for this yet. If I stay any longer I’ll just be unable to talk. I want to stay but…it’s so hard to do this. I’ll visit you often so next year, on this always beautiful day…I won’t cry. And I’ll tell you about everything going on in my life and I know you’ll listen. I…I gotta go now. I’ll be here again…sometime soon, okay? I love you, Changhyunnie. So much.” Changjo hated himself for calling the Seoul National Cemetery Ricky’s new home. He guessed that it was an attempt of softening the hard blow of his violent death.

Because there was only so much a broken heart could take.

Thirty minutes had been enough to fix the chaotic traffic in the busy streets after the accident, but not even a thousand lifetimes of regret and sadness would suffice for Jonghyun’s suffering.