If Yixing could turn back time, he’d wish some things would be different from how they are now. 

Yifan and Yixing met a few years back. If you ask Yixing, he’d say that falling in love with the other was a fairytale dream, the days spent as lovers were part of his best memories and Yixing wouldn’t ask for anything better. The lack of affection from his non-existent parents were slowly replaced with Yifan’s unconditional warmness, his gentle touches that envelopes him in complete reassurance. It was a small haven with the older man around and Yixing felt safe and loved but mostly, he was happy.

Two years passed on just like that.

Before they knew it, they were already at the point where their relationship matures and everything comes in naturally. No more awkward laughters, sweaty hands and shy glances. Their relationship didn’t require them to ask in order to know, everything has eventually become a habit between them. Yixing knew Yifan like the back of his hand and Yifan too, understand him better than most. Their relationship would be viewed as envious to most and Yixing was content, he really was.

However, Yixing could see it coming.

He could see the gaps between their hearts widen with every second, every minute- he could feel that Yifan was no longer his. He could sense the goodbye approaching but he was too kind, too foolish to ignore how his heart was breaking with every word and every kiss Yifan promised him, knowing that it doesn’t feel right anymore.

He wanted to believe and give Yifan his trust but as he realised that Yifan has not been himself these days, Yixing couldn’t help but doubt.

The rich scent of pinewood that usually trails after him faded, replaced with a hint of a sweeter scent, something akin to rosemary that Yixing never noticed until recently. Yifan stopped smiling as much, went home later than he usually did, his kisses didn’t seem sincere and he stopped wrapping his arms around Yixing’s lonely shoulders when they sleep, leaving him cold throughout the night.

Their king-sized bed now felt too big for two and these days, Yixing watch as Yifan’s back shook gently in the middle of the night, a soft sob followed after. Yixing felt that there’s something that his boyfriend has been hiding from him and his heart ached at the sight without knowing the reason why.

Yixing knew goodbye isn’t a choice.

He knew Yifan no longer loved him as much as he did before, and probably the feelings has vanished completely. Yixing stared at his now trembling hands, the teardrops stayed frozen and once again, Yixing felt the coldness embracing him. He stared out the window. The rain was falling hard and he wrapped his arms around his knees, chin rested against it. Yixing sat down alone. The storm is coming and Yifan isn’t home.

Yifan didn’t come home that night.

Yixing finally explode one night, at the sight of Yifan’s hand around another’s hand much bigger than his when he came to Yifan’s office to deliver a forgotten mail. Their laughter echoed throughout the small hallway, the sight that Yixing hadn’t seen in a long while and as Yifan leaned down to press his lips against the stranger’s own, Yixing couldn’t bear to watch anymore. The teardrops that were once frozen streamed down across his cheeks and he could feel his heart growing numb.

Why? Am I not good enough anymore?

Their