July, 2007.

 

 

The stars were shining brighter than usual tonight. Well, maybe to Taeyeon they were. She found herself unable to sleep, which was a slightly welcome change as opposed to most nights when she falls immediately unconscious as soon as her body touches her bed due to the exhaustion from training.

 

Idol life was going to be hard. She knew. She chose it herself all those years ago, when she first stepped through the doors of SM Academy at 13. From then on it became a rush of dancing, singing and performing all sorts of choreographed madness in assurance that it was just training for today. Today, at the age of 18, Taeyeon debuted in a girl group. A group that she was made the leader of, and hoped that she would be able to somehow lead it into greatness. It was a longshot, but maybe one day they could hold a concert overseas!

 

Taeyeon let out a small laugh at her own expense. It seemed like such a far away dream. She was still young, and her hands were far too small to hold on to such huge ambitions, but maybe with the help of the other 8 girls she could do it. Maybe one day they could perform to a sold out arena outside of Korea, with the name “Girls’ Generation” printed on each and every single ticket sold.

 

It was ironic how because of her large dreams, she was kept wide awake and is now staring out over her dorm’s balcony at 2 in the morning. She felt so much pressure to succeed as the leader of the group, and she was scared. What if she failed? What if she let her group down? What if all that training would be for nothing?

 

She clenched her eyes and tried to shake the anxiety away, but to no avail. Her heart was already threatening to jump out of and fall over the edge of the balcony onto the asphalt 10 stories below. It seemed like she wasn’t going to get any sleep anytime soon.

 

“Oh wow it’s cold out here!”

 

Taeyeon’s eyes snapped open in surprise when she heard the voice speak out from right behind her but as she turned around to identify the owner of the voice her vision was obscured by a towel hitting her square on the face.

 

Wait, a towel? Who goes around throwing towels?! Taeyeon looked down and saw the object that Taeyeon had misidentified as a towel draped over her feet. It was a thick, fuzzy blanket and it was very welcome in this weather.

 

“What was that for Sica?! You nearly gave me a heart attack!” Taeyeon chastised her best friend as the blonde just sat down opposite her on one of the chairs, eyes fixed towards the sky and zero remorse on her face. Jessica’s petite frame was already enveloped in a blanket of her own.

 

“You were shivering. You shouldn’t be out here so late at night. Especially dressed like that. It’s too cold.” Jessica simply stated, not even bothering to turn to look at Taeyeon.

 

“Well neither should you then. What are you doing out here?” Taeyeon retorted, but draping the blanket around herself as she did. Taeyeon was only wearing a pair of thin pajamas, effectively making her underdressed for the chilly night air.

 

“Couldn’t sleep. Saw you standing out here spacing out and wondered if there was room for two.”

 

“I wasn’t spacing out! I was just…thinking.” Taeyeon said with a huff, moving to sit down on a chair that was adjacent to Jessica.

 

“Thinking about what?” Jessica asked and she barely spared a side-glance at Taeyeon as she did. Honestly if she was going to act this disinterested why did she even bother coming out and asking questions?

 

“Things.”

 

“What kind of things?”

 

“Everything…kinda things.”

 

“Mmm.” Jessica made a sound as if she understood exactly what Taeyeon had been talking about, but the leader had no idea how she could have.

 

Jessica was Taeyeon’s best friend in the group. As the two eldest members, Taeyeon somehow found it easier to open up to the American as compared to the other girls. Sure she loved them all the same, but she was worried that they might find her unapproachable. Taeyeon isn’t exactly the best at expressing her emotions so she could usually come off as stoic or uncaring at times, but maybe that is the exact reason why she got along so well with Jessica. Jessica was just like her in that sense, and Taeyeon always felt like they had a special connection between them that didn’t need any explaining.

 

“The stars are really bright tonight.” Jessica said, and Taeyeon watched as a small dreamy smile stretch across Jessica’s elegant features.

 

“They are aren’t they? I thought I was just imagining it.” Taeyeon agreed, finding herself slightly transfixed by Jessica’s features that was being gently caressed by the bits of moonlight that managed to find it’s way through the tall trees surrounding the balcony.

 

“Maybe it’s because we debuted today? So it’s like, maybe those bright stars symbolize us. Maybe our future is going to be as bright as those stars up there.” Jessica dreamily said, resting her chin on her hand that was being propped up on the balcony.

 

“Wow Jess. That’s a very romantic way of looking at it. Who knew you were such a sap?” Taeyeon couldn’t help but laugh at the scowl Jessica threw her way following that statement.

 

“I grew up on Disney movies Taeng. I have little kid dreams too!” Jessica pouted and folded her arms across her chest, prompting Taeyeon to break into another round of laughter at her adorable friend.

 

“You know what? I guess I do too.” Taeyeon said with a small smile once she managed to stop laughing. Jessica’s little romantic reasoning behind the reason the stars were shining made Taeyeon realize that sometimes it was okay to dream and let her mind wander to the future.

 

“Let’s go in Jess. Try to get some sleep.” Taeyeon suggested while getting up from her seat and the blonde immediately sprung up after her to hook her arms around the leader’s. Jessica rested her head on Taeyeon’s shoulder as the latter fumbled with pulling the glass sliding door open with the added weight of Jessica putting her off balance.

 

“I don’t feel like sleeping yet though Taengoo. How about you?” Taeyeon felt Jessica’s breath tickle her ear as she asked it.

 

“I’m not particularly sleepy, but it’s 3 am and we have a busy schedule today.”

 

“You’re right. You go on ahead to bed. I’ll just watch some TV first.” Jessica said and separated from Taeyeon, and the latter immediately missed the warmth and the smell of her friend’s shampoo.

 

Taeyeon watched as Jessica sauntered over to the couch and in the living room and the TV to some random channel. She knew that as the leader she had to be wide awake later today when the music shows start interviewing her about her group but for some reason she found her feet gravitating towards the living room instead of the bedroom.

 

“What are we watching?” Taeyeon asked as she occupied the empty space beside her friend. As Taeyeon saw the look of joy and happiness that graced Jessica’s face as soon as the latter realized that her leader friend was going to keep her company, Taeyeon knew that she made the right decision to sacrifice her sleep.

 

“A documentary on sharks.” Jessica answered simply and Taeyeon watched as her friend brought her feet up and moved into a more comfortable position so that she was lying down horizontally while facing the TV.

 

“I don’t really like sharks.” Taeyeon admitted.

 

“Why not? Watched Jaws too many times?”

 

“Nope. Don’t think I’ve even watched it once. I just can’t swim.”

 

“Oh. But doesn’t that mean you’re afraid of water, and not sharks?” Taeyeon could hear the amusement on Jessica’s voice and she found herself smiling as well.

 

“Sharks live in water though. If a house looks scary wouldn’t you be afraid of it’s inhabitants as well? I can’t swim, so sharks can easily eat me.”

 

“I don’t think you’d make for much of a meal.” Jessica laughed and she received an annoyed slap on the ankle from Taeyeon in return.

 

“I’ll teach you how to swim.” Jessica offered, bringing a wide smile onto Taeyeon’s face.

 

“Really?! You would do that?” Taeyeon found herself excitedly seeking for confirmation.

 

“Yeah. Wouldn’t want my Taengoo to be eaten by a shark.” Jessica poked at Taeyeon’s side with her toe as she said it, but Taeyeon immediately had a flush on her cheeks from Jessica’s choice of words.

 

“My Taengoo….”

 

The pair continued to watch the rest of the documentary in silence, with Taeyeon being too preoccupied with repeating Jessica’s words of endearment in her head while simultaneously wondering why those words were affecting her so. Eventually her brain gave up trying to make sense of things as fatigue started to creep its way into her system and win her over.

 

“Jess…”

 

“Hmm…?”

 

“I’m sleepy.”

 

“Then go to bed.”

 

“I’m too lazy to move to the bedroom.”

 

“Then sleep here with me.”

 

Taeyeon turned to look at Jessica and found herself captivated by the warm smile her friend was flashing her. Was Jessica always this pretty?

 

“You’re hogging all the cushions though.” Taeyeon whined and pointed to the mountain of cushions stacked underneath the blonde’s head.

 

“C’mere.” Jessica motioned for Taeyeon to scoot over closer and before she knew it she was lying down in front of Jessica, with the younger girl spooning her from the back, arms wrapped tightly around Taeyeon’s waist. Taeyeon felt secure. Protected. Content in this warm embrace and she immediately felt her eyes droop shut. Curling up like a cat in the tiny space between Jessica’s body and the edge of the couch and nuzzling herself closer to the blonde.

 

“You’re a great leader you know that?”

 

Taeyeon couldn’t open her eyes due to the fatigue, and she wasn’t even completely sure if she had heard right. Taeyeon let out an inquisitive hum, encouraging Jessica to repeat what she had just said.

 

There was a small shift in movement behind her, and Taeyeon tensed up slightly when she felt Jessica’s warm breath whisper straight into her right ear. “I said, you’re a great leader Taeng. I know you’re worried about the future and about leading us, but we all believe in you. I believe in you. We’ll do fine.”

 

Taeyeon just smiled and patted the hands joined around her waist in response. Of course Jessica knew. She was her best friend. It was no surprise that the blonde knew exactly what was bothering her.

 

“Yah. You better not let me fall off this couch while we’re sleeping.” Taeyeon cheekily threatened, and she felt a feather-light giggle tickling the back of her neck.

 

“Don’t worry Taengoo. I’m here for you.”

 

And with that, Taeyeon allowed herself to fall asleep in Jessica’s arms. Confident that her best friend wouldn’t let go, and confident that she’ll always be there for her. At that moment, right before falling deep into slumber, Taeyeon memorized the feel of Jessica’s body pressed so perfectly against hers and realized that there was nothing she couldn’t accomplish with Jessica by her side.

 

 

 

************************************** 

 

February, 2009.

 

 

“Taeng? Are you okay?”

 

That sweet voiced laced with worry coming from outside her door made Taeyeon quickly wipe her tears off with her sleeve. She didn’t want her group to know that she had been crying. Most of all, she didn’t want her to know that she had been crying.

 

“Yeah Jess. I’m fine.”

 

Faking her current state of emotions through her voice alone was a difficult task, but Taeyeon knew that her puffy eyes and tear-stained clothes wouldn’t be so easy to conceal. All she needed was to not allow Jessica to come in. She didn’t want to be seen like this.

 

“Can I come in Taeng?”

 

Taeyeon’s throat seemed to close up at that moment, leaving her unable to say no.

 

“Well I’m coming in anyway.”

 

Crap.

 

The bedroom door slowly creaked open, and Taeyeon immediately cast her gaze downwards so that her face was obstructed by a curtain of hair. She could hear the soft footsteps approaching the bed, getting ever closer to her. Eventually, she felt the bed dip slightly next to her as Jessica took a seat on the edge of the bed.

 

“I’m fine Jessica.” Taeyeon reinforced before her friend could say anything.

 

“I didn’t say you weren’t.” Jessica responded.

 

Taeyeon could feel Jessica’s small hand come to rest on her back and start rubbing slow, soft reassuring circles. It was almost as if Jessica was slowly unwinding and unraveling the defence that Taeyeon was trying to put up and by the umpteenth passing the leader finally lost her composure and turned to the blonde next to her, wrapping her arms around Jessica’s slender frame and nuzzling her face into the crook of her neck.

 

“It’s so hard Jess… just so stupidly hard!” Jessica just kissed the crown of Taeyeon’s head, trying her best to soothe her friend’s muffled whines. The sudden change in scenario didn’t phase her one bit.

 

“There there Taengoo….now what did the evil management people do to my poor little angel?” Jessica cooed and the girl in her arms just let out a cry of frustration in response.

 

Taeyeon finally pulled her face away from Jessica and blushed in embarrassment when she realized that she had stained her friend’s shirt with her drool and crying. Flustered, she immediately made a couple of vain attempts to wipe away the wet spots.

 

“They’re angry at me.”

 

“Oh? And why is that?” Jessica asked in a soothing voice, hand still softly rubbing reassuring circles into the shorter leader’s back.

 

“I made a dumb decision that cost them a ton of money. Remember how we stopped to eat ddeokbokki last night before shooting that CF? Well, we weren’t supposed to. We were supposed to go straight to the shooting site.” Taeyeon started to explain, and Jessica attentively tried to listen.

 

Taeyeon took a few haggard breaths before continuing. “I made the call to eat, since it was already 10pm and we hadn’t eaten anything since 6 o’clock that morning. Turns out the company we did the CF for weren’t happy that we were late and demanded some money back. Of course, Management wasn’t too happy with that and blamed it on me being an inadequate leader. We’re just tools for them to make money after all.”

 

At the first sign of Taeyeon breaking down again, Jessica immediately moved forward and enveloped the smaller girl in a tight hug, as if she wanted to squeeze out all the sorrow and pain Taeyeon was feeling.

 

“You’re not an inadequate leader Taeng. We believe in you, and we’d follow your directions over the Management’s any day.” Jessica whispered into the weeping girl’s ear. It hurt Jessica to see her best friend in this much pain, and it frustrated her that she couldn’t do a thing to help.

 

“You really think so?” Taeyeon asked while looking up at Jessica’s face, her watery eyes meeting Jessica’s frustrated ones.

 

“Of course you idiot.” Jessica assured her and Taeyeon smiled a wide content smile that seemed to wipe out everything else around them so that in Jessica’s brain it was just the two of them, gaze interlocked. A small hand was brought up to Jessica’s face, and the American was surprised to find Taeyeon’s small thumb rubbing the crease between her brows softly.

 

“What are you doing?” Jessica asked in confusion, a small tint of red forming on her cheeks.

 

Jessica’s eyes were watching Taeyeon’s lips a little bit too attentively to pass as normal but she was brought back to reality by Taeyeon’s once melodic voice, now cracked and raspy from several hours of crying. “You’re frowning. Don’t do that.”

 

Jessica’s gaze immediately softened and she observed Taeyeon’s smile do the same. “I’m sorry Taeng. I’m just frustrated that you get the brunt of the blame all the time. I know you’re the leader, but I wish I could be of more help.”

 

“Then be the vice-captain of the team Sica. It’s an unofficial role, but be my vice-captain. Support me when I can’t stand.”

 

“W-what? Me?? But…there are other members who are more suited for the role aren’t there? How about Tiffany? She gets along with everyone better than I do!” Jessica suggested, flustered by the sudden demand.

 

“No Sica. I want it to be you.” Taeyeon’s determined eyes met Jessica’s uncertain ones, and finally after only a few brief moments the latter lost the battle. Jessica sighed and smiled slightly.

 

“Alright. Alright I’ll be your vice-captain.”

 

“I’m pretty sure you’re aware that this means you can never leave my side right? It’s a verbally binding contract.”

 

Jessica just laughed in response and ruffled the kid leader’s hair, making the latter yelp in surprise.

 

“I got it. I’ll never leave you.”

 

“Good.”

 

“Want to go outside and watch some TV? Let the other members know you’re still alive in here.” Jessica suggested and laughed at the look of horror Taeyeon gave her.

 

“Are you kidding me?! Look at my face! I can’t let them know I’ve been crying! Don’t tell them I cried!” Taeyeon pointed to her swollen eyes and made playful swipes at Jessica when her best friend started giggling.

 

“Isn’t it the vice-captain’s job to cover up for the leader? I’ll just go on ahead then, you go and freshen up.” Jessica said as she got up, turning back to give the leader a sly wink.

 

 

 

****************************************

 

May, 2012.

 

 

 

Message from Jessica: “Do you think people would actually want to wear my designs tho?”

 

Message sent: “Of course they would! You have an amazing sense of fashion!”

 

Message from Jessica: “It’s settled then. I’m going to start my own fashion label! ….Sometime in the future I guess. I really don’t think I have the time to do it now.”

 

“Tell Jess I said hi and we miss her.” A sudden voice spoke up from right beside her, causing Taeyeon to jump in shock and drop her phone.

 

“Pani! You scared me! And how did you know I was talking to Sica?” Taeyeon whined while bending down to pick up her phone, inspecting the tiny gadget for any signs of damage while simultaneously throwing a suspicious look to her groupmate.

 

“Of course it’s Jess. It’s not like you have any other friends.” Tiffany nonchalantly remarked while flipping through the pages of her beauty magazine.

 

“Ouch. That is true, but still. Ouch.” Taeyeon replied, half tempted to throw a cushion at Tiffany for the jab, but she knew that would just lead to Tiffany retaliating and she really didn’t want to be involved in a pillow fight with the maknae sleeping soundly on the bed.

 

Taeyeon, Tiffany and Seohyun were in a hotel room located somewhere in China to promote their new sub-unit, TaeTiSeo. Taeyeon heavily disliked the name when she first heard it, as she kept insisting that there should be a “Je” in there somewhere. A vocal sub-unit without Jessica seemed absurd, but what was even more absurd was that she had to travel around to different countries while leaving her best friend behind for long periods of time.

 

Message sent: I miss you Sicaaaa. T.T

 

Jessica was one of the few people in the world who has the fortune of being on the receiving end of Taeyeon’s aegyo. She doesn’t show it to many people, but even the stoic Kim Taeyeon can be cute sometimes.

 

Message from Jessica: I miss you too Taengoo! This stupid couch is so damn huge when you’re not here to share it with me! Yah. I was watching a documentary on sea lions the other day with Yuri and I told her how seals kinda remind me of that ajusshi that always comes by to deliver our pizza. Yuri didn’t laugh. The nerve of her.

 

Taeyeon smiled at the text message and felt her heart flutter to know that her best friend seemed to miss her just as much as she did. But what was that? Yuri? That spot next to Sica should be reserved for Kim Taeyeon and Kim Taeyeon only.

 

Message sent: I can kinda see the resemblance. I would have laughed! But wait, Yuri? Are you replacing me Sooyeon ah??

 

Message received: Trying to, but not succeeding. Nobody is as fun as you. Sooyoung keeps making fun of the people on TV and Sunny always falls asleep. Yoona is never home and Yuri is just so ditzy I think she’s watching something else entirely in her head.

 

Taeyeon accidentally lets slip a loud ahjumma laugh as she read the message and was immediately shushed by Tiffany. The both of them tensed up slightly when they heard Seohyun shifting on the bed, but they let out a sigh of relief when she didn’t wake up.

 

“Keep it down Taeng!” Tiffany chastised in a whisper, and Taeyeon nodded sheepishly. She couldn’t wait to be back home.

 

 

***********************************************

 

January, 2014.

 

 

“She’s been in there for quite awhile hasn’t she?” Yuri asked the room in general, wearing an expression of concern while gesturing towards the door in the corner that lead to their manager’s office.

 

“Gee, you don’t think Sica unnie is in trouble do you?” Seohyun chimed in, eyes fixed on the door as well.

 

“Maybe management finally realized that she’s been forgetting her choreo lately. I mean, even we’re not sure what’s with her.” Tiffany started to assume. The brunette was busy doing her cool down stretches in front the large mirrors lining the walls of the dance studio, but it was obvious by the way her eyes kept flicking back to their manager’s office that she was worried too.

 

“It kinda feels like her heart isn’t in this anymore, don’t you think?” Yoona said in a slight whisper, not wanting to make any false deductions but her need to voice out her opinions getting the better of her.

 

“Do you think it’s because of that fashion label she’s starting? Maybe she just needs to adjust her priorities.” Yuri jumped in with Yoona’s reasoning, and the rest of the members started to gossip and throw assumptions around in hushed whispers.

 

Seated on a chair on the far side of the room was their leader. Taeyeon just sat alone, throwing daggers at the other girls from across the studio with her eyes as she grit her teeth.

 

Taeyeon had to admit that her best friend had been acting out of it lately. They rarely spent time with each other anymore and as much as she wanted to deny it Jessica has been doing horribly on stage. The American kept forgetting her choreo, lyrics, even their schedule. As their leader Taeyeon was responsible for giving Jessica a harsh talking to that was long overdue, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. Jessica was her rock and best friend and she felt nauseated at the thought of confrontation.

 

 

Unable to take anymore, Taeyeon got up and made her way towards the other girls. Almost as if they could sense the impending animosity, they immediately quieted down and just watched as their leader approached them, bringing with her signs of fire and brimstone.

 

“If you girls have the time to be gossiping over here….” Taeyeon started, taking harsh breaths trying to calm herself down. She did not like getting angry at her groupmates and friends, but she absolutely despised people talking about Jessica behind the latter’s back. The other girls just held their breaths waiting for the impending hammer to drop. It didn’t happen often but when it did, Demon-Taeng was ridiculously frightening.

 

“….Then I’m sure you have the time to continue practicing the chorus of Mr Mr.” Taeyeon finished and the other girls’ eyes went wide.

 

“But Taeng we just finished practicing didn’t we?! I’m hungry!” Yoona started to whine but was immediately silenced by the death stare that Taeyeon gave. Yoona had a right to whine however. The girls had already been in the studio for several hours to practice and they were exhausted.

 

“C’mon Yoona. Let’s just do it.” Hyoyeon sighed and dragged the doe towards the center of the room, leading the other girls to follow suit.

 

Taeyeon felt immediately guilty for acting that way, but she was always caught playing favourites whenever Jessica was concerned anyways. This was hardly a new development.

 

 

**********************************

 

July, 2014.

 

 

 

Taeyeon hurriedly tapped her key card onto the digital lock that has dutifully kept unwanted outsiders from entering the Soshi dorm but is now keeping her away from a fresh change of clothes. The radio program that she was on had run a lot later than she expected and she was now late for dance practice at the SM studio a few blocks away from where she currently was.

 

Once the lock finally clicked open, the leader barged in through the door almost breaking into a full sprint towards her bedroom. As she bolted through the living room however, she was met with a sight that made her stop dead in her tracks.

 

“Sica?!” Taeyeon asked uncertainly, eyes about to bug out of her head. Why was this dummy still in the dorm?

 

“Hey Taengoo! Wanna watch some Laws of The Jungle? C’mere and take a seat.” Jessica chirped, inviting the leader to join her by patting the space next to her. It was obvious that the American was oblivious to her leader’s current state of urgency.

 

“Sica why are you still here?! Shouldn’t you be at practice? It started 45 minutes ago!” Taeyeon asked, flailing her arms for dramatic effect. She had no idea how the girl in front of her could so calmly play truant.

 

Jessica just stretched her arms up and yawned before she answered the question. “ Yeah I don’t think I’ll be joining you guys. I have a meeting with a designer in about a few hours and I don’t think I can sneak out of the studio on time if I go.”

 

“What? But Jessica we have a concert in a few weeks! Don’t you think you have your priorities slightly mixed up here?”

 

“But it’s all songs that we’ve done dozens of times before! I’m sure I don’t have to go to every single practice session.” Jessica tried to reason, crossing her arms in front of her subconsciously in self-defense.

 

“You say that, but didn’t you make a mistake on our last performance?”

 

“It’s not my fault I tripped over the lights! I didn’t know it was there!”

 

“If you had attended the dress rehearsal you would have known! Instead you went off on another one of your fashion ventures and joined us late!” Taeyeon noticed her own voice was growing louder as a result of her frustration, but she was slowly reaching that point where she couldn’t care.

 

“Look Taeyeon. What point are you trying to make exactly? It seems like you have a lot to get off your chest.” Jessica asked as she stood up, meeting the leader in the eye.

 

“You heard what the board of directors said. If you don’t show initiative you will get kicked out of the group!”

 

“They won’t really do that Taeng. They weren’t serious.”

 

“What if they were Sica?! What if they….” Taeyeon stopped mid-question as she came face to face with her own fears. “What if they force you to leave?”

 

Jessica was silent for a moment as she took in her best friend’s shuddering shoulders and gritted teeth.

 

“Then I’ll leave. Maybe I’m done with being an idol.”

 

“What?” Taeyeon looked up to search Jessica’s eyes for a hint of a lie, and tears nearly spilled out from her own when she couldn’t find it.

 

“You heard me Taeng. Maybe I’m done with all this.”

 

“But…what about your promise? What about your dreams? What happened to the Sica who would look at the stars and dream of big things? What happened to living out a Disney movie?” Taeyeon shakily asked, trying to hide her hurt and confusion.

 

“Maybe that Sica grew up Taeyeon. Jessica Jung came into the company to train when she was 11 years old. What kind of childhood could she have had?! What kind of stupid Disney dreams was she hoping to live?” Jessica bitterly spat out, eyes not meeting Taeyeon’s.

 

Taeyeon started to visibly shake now and her knees started to quiver. Hot tears finally trailed down the leader’s cheeks and she threw her ego out of the window and started to beg. For the first time, the prideful Kim Taeyeon was begging someone to stay. “B-but…we….you can still save this Jessica. It’s not too late. Don’t let them kick you out. Please come for practice. You’re the vice-captain of the group. You need to be—“

 

“I’m not the vice captain of anything Taeyeon!” Jessica cut her off mid-sentence and a stunned Taeyeon could only stare at her best friend with shocked, wide eyes.

 

“Stop pushing your made up roles to me. I didn’t even have any say in that decision! You don’t need my help to guide the group! You’re doing fine by yourself so just get off my back!” Jessica shouted and stormed off before the stunned Taeyeon could even retaliate.

 

Taeyeon stood rooted to the spot as Jessica stormed pass her to grab her coat and car-keys, and she didn’t even flinch when her best friend slammed the door on her way out. That would be the last conversation Taeyeon would ever have with her best friend for a very long time. And Taeyeon could only silently whisper into the air and she wiped her tears and gathered strength into her legs to move and get on with her schedule.

 

“….but I do need you.”

 

 

***********************************************

 

September, 2014.

 

 

 

Taeyeon struggled to get out of bed as she could barely open her eyes. She had stayed out late to record another OST and could only get back home and into the warm embrace of her bed at the wee hours of the morning. A quick glance to her phone and she realized that she had overslept. The group was due to be at the airport in a couple of hours because they had to fly to China for a fan meeting.

 

Cranky and sleep-deprived, Taeyeon trudged her way from the bed towards the living room, where she was hearing a commotion of some sort. As she got there, she noticed her fellow members huddled in a circle, conversing in a manner that was far too loud for how early in the morning it is.

 

“Well, it’s good that you guys seem so well-rested. You could have at least woken me up if you’re going to talk this loud. Seohyun can you please wake Jessica up? We don’t want to miss our flight.” Taeyeon instructed while trying to suppress a yawn. She noticed that the blonde American wasn’t there in the living room and immediately deduced that she must still be asleep.

 

As she started to make her way towards the kitchen to fix herself a much-needed cup of coffee, she noticed the maknae hadn’t moved from her spot and she just had her gaze fixed onto Taeyeon. It was odd because Seohyun would always move immediately to follow Taeyeon’s instructions, so this sudden change in demeanor worried the leader.

 

“Seohyun? Is something wrong?”

 

“J-Jessica-unnie isn’t here.” Seohyun choked out, and Taeyeon just tilted her head to the side in confusion.

 

“What? Where is she? We have a flight to catch today! Urgh she’s always so irresponsible.” Taeyeon muttered in slight panic, taking a few sips from her cup of coffee in a vain attempt to still her nerves because the caffeine only had an adverse effect.

 

“I don’t think Jessica will be joining us on our flight today Taeng.” Sooyoung spoke up, and slowly approached the leader to hand her a piece of paper that the others must have been gathering around to read earlier.

 

As Taeyeon started to read what was written on the paper, her eyes slowly started to open wider in shock. The words were swimming around in her head and she couldn’t seem to process it. She felt light-headed and she would’ve dropped the cup of coffee she was holding if Sooyoung hadn’t rushed in to support her feeble wrist.

 

“W-what? What is this? Where did you get this?” Taeyeon sputtered a barrage of questions but her answers came not from the girls, but from a figure that had silently entered the dorm without any of the girls noticing.

 

“It is as it says on that piece of paper you’re holding Taeyeon. Jessica has been released from the group, effective immediately.” All eyes snapped towards the SNSD manager who looked like he was having a rough time himself. His clothes were disheveled and he must have forgotten to shave in the morning.

 

Taeyeon just stood rooted to the spot as if taking a single step would cause her to shatter to pieces onto the floor. She couldn’t move, and she felt the piece of paper that declared Jessica’s fate slip through her fingers.

 

“There’s nothing I can do girls. I tried. Believe me I did! It’s hard to say this but she did this to herself. The board has given her numerous warnings and she could have prevented this if she had just focused more on the group than her clothing line. It was more of Jessica leaving the group voluntarily than us kicking her out.” Their manager reasoned, but it might have been too early to pass that kind of reasoning towards the grieving girls as he suddenly had 8 pairs of eyes glaring at him.

 

“Where is she now? Where is Sica?” Taeyeon softly asked, voice shaking from her feeble attempts to control it.

 

“We think she left the house earlier in the morning Taeng. She must have found out before we did and didn’t want to face….well face this.” Tiffany explained, moving forward to softly pat the leader’s heaving shoulders.

 

“I’m so sorry to ask this of you girls, but we need to go. Hurry and get dressed because we don’t want to miss our flight. Our Chinese clients are paying us a hefty sum and—“

 

“Just like that?” All eyes were now on Taeyeon as she had just cut off their manager mid-sentence. They had never seen even a single shred of disrespect coming from their leader, so that tiny act in itself spoke volumes of how upset Taeyeon was currently.

 

“Excuse me?” Their manager tried to make sure he didn’t mishear her.

 

“I asked, just like that? After 7 years, you kick her out from the group using a piece of paper?! A ing ‘Dear John’ letter?! What are we? ROBOTS?!! You expect us to just get up and fly to another country when yOU JUST KICKED ONE OF US OUT?!” Taeyeon stormed towards their manager and everybody there was too stunned to say anything.

 

Taeyeon always wore a mask, and she never let her emotions show through except for when she was really at ease or when she was around Jessica. They had never seen this side of her and frankly they were amazed.

 

“Cut us and we bleed oppa! Can’t you see? We have emotions too! You can’t just…we can’t just….” Taeyeon had grabbed onto their manager’s jacket and for a brief moment the girls were worried that she was going to hit him, but what was even more surprising was the sob that came out of their leader.

 

Taeyeon? Crying? They have never seen or heard of that in the whole decade or so of them knowing her.

 

“Give her back.”

 

“W-what?” Their manager stuttered at the situation he was in. They knew he was innocent. They knew this was equally as difficult for him as well since he loved them and treated them as if they were his own siblings. He was just following instructions, but Taeyeon will be damned if she didn’t vent her frustrations on him at that point.

 

“Give Jessica back! Give her back please! Give Sooyeon back! I can’t—I can’t do this without her! Don’t take her away please! Just no! Nonononononono…” Taeyeon’s cries turned into helpless sobs as she slowly dropped to her knees while still grabbing onto their manager’s clothes. The other girls broke out into tears as well as they watched the unbreakable Taeyeon crumble into a begging mess at the feet of their manager, crying and wailing at the top of her lungs for her best friend whom she had neglected.

 

Sooyoung was the first to pull herself together and she gingerly walked forward to slowly pry Taeyeon’s delicate fingers away from their manager’s clothes. Tiffany joined Sooyoung in guiding Taeyeon towards the large couch where they used to always find Jessica and Taeyeon in the morning sleeping in each other’s arms after spending the whole night watching TV together.

 

Taeyeon felt 7 pairs of arms engulf her in a hug in an effort to make her feel better, but it only served to remind her that the only pair of arms capable of doing so was no longer around anymore. The last time Taeyeon had spoken to Jessica was a month ago when they had that fight, and Taeyeon felt foolish and childish for not making up with her sooner. Now Taeyeon had no idea when would be the next time she could hear Jessica’s sweet melodic laughter.

 

Taeyeon was lost. She was a puzzle that only Jessica could solve and when the latter left she took a piece of Taeyeon with her, leaving the leader forever incomplete.

 

 

*******************************************

 

January, 2015.

 

 

 

Taeyeon slowly stalked across the living room, not wanting to make a sound and wake the rest of her members up. Her fingers found the cold metal handle of the sliding door and she slid it open as quietly as she could and stepped out onto the balcony.

 

It was another sleepless night for her. It was common. She has been having trouble sleeping since Jessica left the dorm 4 months ago. She hadn’t taken the time to talk to the former member of the group although the rest of her members have constantly tried to persuade her to do so.  When Jessica was kicked out of SNSD, Taeyeon fell into depression and refused to eat, losing weight at an alarming rate and couldn’t perform because her gaunt body couldn’t keep up with the extreme brutality of idol life.

 

Taeyeon didn’t know how it happened, but at some point her depression changed into anger and frustration, and she blamed Jessica for breaking her promise. Jessica had left her alone with her own dark thoughts and doubts, and Jessica’s name being mentioned became the catalyst for Taeyeon to snap at the other members, so even in the dorms her name became a taboo.

 

‘I’ll never leave you.’ Jessica’s words kept echoing in her head and forgetting to be silent Taeyeon let out a loud, frustrated scream into the night.

 

It helped. For the moment. Screaming was better than crying. At least the burn in didn’t damage her pride as much as her tears did.

 

“Yo! A bit of warning next time will you?! I nearly jumped off this roof in surprise. Not exactly the best way to go I can tell you that much.”

 

Taeyeon nearly jumped out of her skin as she whipped her head to the source of the sound and found Sooyoung standing at the opposite end of the balcony with a lit cigarette cradled between her index and middle finger.

 

“Soo! What are you doing here?!” Taeyeon asked flabbergasted, disbelieving that she did not notice her tall friend standing there.

 

“Um, hello? I was here first. Besides, I think I’m the one who should be asking you that. What’s with the banshee impression?” Sooyoung asked as she casually took a puff from her cigarette, blowing smoke into the night air.

 

“It’s nothing. Just can’t sleep.” Taeyeon muttered.

 

“Then by all means take that privilege away from the rest of us why don’t you? Want one?” Sooyoung sarcastically said before offering her carton of cigarettes to Taeyeon who heartily refused.

 

“You know I don’t smoke anymore. It rots your insides. Horrible for your health.” Taeyeon was half-lying. The real reason she quit was because Jessica asked her to one night a few years back, telling Taeyeon that she did not want her best friend to die so soon thanks to ‘tiny little cancer sticks’.

 

“I know it’s bad for my health, but why is it between the two of us, you’re the one who looks like she’s dying?” Sooyoung asked and she knew she struck a nerve by the way Taeyeon’s shoulders twitched.

 

“I don’t need this right now. Goodnight Soo.” Taeyeon muttered and got up to leave but was stopped by a hand on her shoulder.

 

“No no. Don’t go. Stay Taeng. Please?”

 

It was the disarming pleading in Sooyoung’s voice that stopped Taeyeon from leaving, and it was the warm smile on her friend’s face that made her stay.

 

“I miss talking to you Taeng.”

 

“What are you saying? We talk all the time.”

 

“I mean not as a leader. I miss talking to you as a friend. It’s been forever Taengoo. I’ve missed you.”

 

Taeyeon was slightly taken aback by Sooyoung’s words and as they made her way into her brain, Taeyeon could only nod in agreement as she started to realize it herself.

 

“I admit, I forget there’s a difference sometimes Soo.”

 

“How’re you holding up? We’re all worried about you y’know.” Taeyeon smiled a small smile upon hearing Sooyoung’s words.

 

“I know. I’m sorry to worry all of you but it’s been….it’s been hard.”

 

“Are you still angry at her?” Sooyoung asked and Taeyeon wasn’t sure whether she needed to be truthful or not. Taeyeon could have lied because Sooyoung was obviously giving her the option to, but she knew that Sooyoung knew the answer as she asked it anyways so she decided to be truthful for once.

 

“No. Not really. But being angry hurts far less then being sad.”

 

A small surprised squeak escaped Taeyeon’s mouth when she felt the taller girl suddenly ruffle her hair in an almost violent manner. Before the kid leader could ask what that was for, Sooyoung had already started speaking.

 

“You dummy. Why are those two your only options? You could try…I dunno. Being happy for her? You should talk to her. She’s actually content with where she is now. I might even go as far as saying she’s happy!” Sooyoung berated the leader who was still wearing an expression of dumb shock on her face.

 

“I can’t just suddenly talk to her….”

 

“And why the hell not? You know, that’s exactly what she said. You two are so alike in that the both of you have the biggest egos of anyone I know, and I’ve met Kanye West for crying out loud!” Sooyoung asked while swinging her arms around in an exaggerated manner, dusting the area with ash from her cigarette.

 

“I still can’t believe you called him Kanye-sunbaenim to his face. He had absolutely no idea what you were saying!” Taeyeon chuckled at the memory of a star-struck Sooyoung making a fool of herself at a charity dinner they attended years back.

 

“Shut up! At least I didn’t spill my drink on Justin Bieber like our resident airhead did. Yul was lucky the weirdo was already shirtless to begin with.” Sooyoung smiled as she watched Taeyeon break out into her signature ahjumma laugh at both the fond memory of Yuri being her usual ditzy self and Sooyoung calling Justin Bieber a weirdo.

 

“You know what? As obnoxious as it is, I miss that.” Sooyoung said as she observed her leader try to catch her breath from laughing too hard.

 

“Miss what?” Taeyeon asked while doubled over with tears in her eyes, still feeling the after effects.

 

“Your laugh. It’s been more than half a year since you’ve laughed you know that? Ever since you and Jessica stopped talking. We were afraid that you forgot how to.” Sooyoung said and if it was any other situation Taeyeon knew that the shikshin would have been pumping her fist in triumph for being the one to make Taeyeon laugh, as if it was a game.

 

“Yeah. I guess I did.” Taeyeon said with a small smile and giggled as Sooyoung jokingly elbowed her ribs. She wasn’t alone. Even if Jessica was no longer in the group, she could depend on the other 7 members to be there for her. They were a family, and maybe it’s time for Taeyeon to finally let them in.

 

“Hey Soo?”

 

“Hmm?”

 

“Pass me a cigarette would you? I have a few things inside me that I need to kill.”

 

 

*********************************************

 

February, 2015.

 

 

Taeyeon had no idea what she was doing. Here she was sitting on the large plush couch trying to watch TV at 2 in the morning. She hadn’t done this in a long time, particularly because she was afraid that it might trigger some memories that she didn’t feel like remembering. But here she was, television set on one of Jessica’s favourite documentary channels, triggering memories and remembering everything.

 

She was lonely. She missed her best friend.

 

In fact, Taeyeon wasn’t even sure if she could be called a best friend anymore. She was ashamed, because she spent so many weeks blaming Jessica for deserting her when in actual reality the desertion worked both ways. Taeyeon had left Jessica alone, and it was the ego inside her that she tried to kill that was preventing her from picking up the phone to call her blonde American friend right now.

 

It felt weird, almost erse, to be sitting on this couch alone. She could almost mistaken the cold caresses of the air conditioning above her with Jessica’s light touches, and the way they used to softly caress up her arm as they laughed at the television screen. She wasn’t even aware they had this many cushions on the seat because Jessica always hogged them all. She switched the channels when the image of a shark appeared because there was no Jessica to kiss her forehead and remind her that she was safe on land.

 

Message Sent: “Hey there.”

 

Her body must have moved off it’s own accord because she did not even process the action. As if it was acting on a rehearsed instinct her fingers had managed to type out a message and found Jessica’s name from her contact list.

 

Message from Jessica: “Hey yourself.”

 

Her heart stopped. What now? What was the next step? How did they used to communicate? She did not expect Jessica to respond at 2am, let alone respond that quickly.

 

Message Sent: “What are you up to?”

 

Message from Jessica: “Nothing much. Just watching TV. You?”

 

The reply came almost instantaneously and it somehow caught Taeyeon off guard.

 

Message Sent: “Same”.

 

After waiting a few moments Taeyeon realized that her reply didn’t exactly give Jessica much room to respond, so she sent a follow up message.

 

Message Sent: “I heard your fashion line is going well. Congratulations!”

 

Message from Jessica: “Thanks! It’s not doing too bad even if I do say so myself.”

 

Another pause, and Taeyeon wanted to yell because of how awkward the conversation was. She was scrambling her brain for an appropriate response when her phone vibrated again.

 

Message from Jessica: “I heard from the girls you started smoking again. Is it true?”

 

Taeyeon gave the carton of cigarettes on the table in front of her a suspicious side eye and wondered which one of her members ratted her out. It must either be Seohyun or that airhead Yuri. Still, there was no sense lying at this point.

 

Message Sent: “Yeah. But only sometimes tho. On certain occasions.”

 

Message from Jessica: “Oh? What kind of occasions exactly? From what I’ve heard you’re smoking more frequently than Sunny and Sooyoung. :P”

 

The emoticon at the end of the last text caught her off guard, and she couldn’t help but smile. If she knew Jessica, which she does very well, she knew how tough it must have been for her to add that in. That was Jessica taking a step forward towards reconciliation, and Taeyeon felt obliged to meet her halfway.

 

Message Sent: “Only when I miss you too much.”

 

Message from Jessica: “Oh.”

 

There was a small blush on Taeyeon’s cheeks as she reread the message she just sent to Jessica. She hated being this mushy, but with the American it somehow felt right.

 

Message Sent: “Sica, I just want to say I’m so sorry for what happened. Things shouldn’t have gone down the way it did, and I’m sorry because I’ve been acting so immature.”

 

Message from Jessica: “And I’m sorry for breaking my promise and leaving you Taengoo. I just needed to chase bigger dreams and escape for awhile. Can you forgive me?”

 

Message Sent: “Of course! Only if you forgive me tho.”

 

Message from Jessica: “Consider us even. :)”

 

Taeyeon almost bounced off the couch in joy as she read the reply. Things were okay. They were going to be okay.

 

Message Sent: “You know what Sica? You’re right. The couch does seem a lot bigger when you’re on it alone.”

 

Message from Jessica: “Are you hinting for me to come over Taengoo? ;) ;)  Am I still allowed there?”

 

Message Sent: “What?! Of course you are! The girls still love you!”

 

Message from Jessica: “Really? And how about you?”

 

Taeyeon froze as she read the screen of her phone, the TV long forgotten and ignored. Her heart was beating a million miles a minute, and she kept erasing her message because she was not sure how to word it correctly.

 

Message Sent: “I’ve always loved you.”

 

Taeyeon squeezed her eyes shut as she heard her message go through. She was kicking her feet in the air and squealing like a little kid. If the other members could see their stoic leader act this way they would never let her live it down. She nearly jumped when her phone started vibrating again signaling a new message.

 

Message from Jessica: “Get the popcorn ready. I’ll be over in 20 minutes. I feel like watching a Disney movie tonight. ;)”

 

And with that Taeyeon immediately jumped up off the couch and skipped towards the kitchen to make popcorn, stopping to toss her carton of cigarettes into the dumpster on the way.

 

Her best friend was back, and she couldn’t be happier. 

 

 

 

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

There! I finally managed to get Taengsic out of my system! This is my first Taengsic fic and I have to say, it was a whole lot of fun. I hope nobody got too offended that I made some of them smokers though. I wanted to add in an air of realism and my Korean friends all say that there are a tonne of smokers in the country so I thought "Hey, it's possible that they are smokers isn't it?" And sorta just rolled with it.

Maybe with this done and out of the way I can finally concentrate on finishing my Sunbyung fic Fixing The Sun that I'm going to unashamedly promote here! 

Sorry for any grammatical or formatical mistakes I may have done while writing this. The one shot has nearly 9000 words. I re-read everything but I'm almost certainly going to miss some things hahahaha!

Thank you so much for reading, and do leave an upvote if you enjoyed the fic, and a comment in general. Please comment. I like getting feedback. It helps me improve my writing. Since I study music and songwriting is going to be in my semester it would be nice to have proper feedback on my writing skills. :D