[ tw: character death ]

Sometimes, or well, most of the time, things don’t go the way we want them to.

Papers are graded lower than we’d hoped for, a loved one doesn’t recover from illness as quickly as we’d hoped for them to, and people we love often don’t love us back, at least not the way we’d like them to.

This was pretty much clear as crystal for Nam Woohyun at the age of twenty four.

He’d done relatively well in school, but there was always those disappointing grades. His uncle found out he had cancer, then when they had thought he was on the road to recovery, he suddenly got worse. And he was madly in love with a man who didn’t love him back, at least not like a lover.

He’d come to terms with the cruelties of the world however. Being in love with someone for over five years was terribly painful, especially having to be around them twenty-four seven, but he’d gotten used to the ache in his chest.

Nam Woohyun loved Kim Sunggyu to the moon and back, but he’d learnt throughout the long years he’d been smitten with the elder that it just wasn’t meant to be. Woohyun had always known he liked men more than women, and from the moment he’d set eyes on Sunggyu it was like his heart chained itself to the elder male. Sunggyu, however, liked women, that was clear to see, and over time Woohyun had managed to come to accept this, and he was slowly trying to pry his heart away from Sunggyu.

It was about three years ago that he’d confessed to the elder while completely drunk (thanks to Dongwoo and his magically reappearing stash of vodka) and to no surprise the elder had turned down his feelings - Woohyun was just Sunggyu’s best friend, and that was how it would have to stay. At first it hurt like hell and Woohyun feared he’d have to leave Infinite - he couldn’t be around a man who didn’t love him the same way every hour of every day of every week. But he’d pushed through, and he was doing okay.

His heart still beat for Sunggyu, and he doubted it’d ever stop beating just a little bit for him, but he knew he was slowly coming to accept that they’d never be together, and that it was time for him to move on and stop hoping for some miracle.

It had been six years now since he fell in love with Kim Sunggyu, and he’d finally found someone who made his heart stutter just that little bit and his cheeks flush when they looked into his eyes. They were older as well, but they seemed just as keen on Woohyun as Woohyun used to be on Sunggyu.

Woohyun liked him, and with time he knew he could grow to love the man.

It had been a year since Sunggyu’s feelings for his best friend had changed.

Two since Woohyun had told him about his feelings.

God, did he wish he’d said something before now, before Woohyun had found someone else. The way Woohyun smiled at him was the way he used to smile at Sunggyu, and he’d not realised just how much he loved being the only person to receive that smile until it was directed at someone who wasn’t him.

He missed the way he’d catch Woohyun staring, or the way Woohyun would pretend to roll closer to him in his sleep and cling to him. He missed the way Woohyun’s eyes used to sparkle when he looked at Sunggyu with such pure love in his gaze that Sunggyu was surprised no one else had known about his feelings for Sunggyu.

But he didn’t have any of that anymore.

Woohyun had moved on while Sunggyu was left realising just how much he cared for Woohyun, and how over time that caring had grown from a simple friend love to a passion that burned in his core, and now spat green sparks of envy as he watched this other man take his place in Woohyun’s heart.

But it was too late.

A year passed and though Woohyun was keen on the new man whose eyes shone brightly for him and whose smile was so different when directed at him he found no matter how hard he tried to love him completely, he couldn’t rid Sunggyu from his heart, and it was eating away at him. The guilt and pain of loving but wanting to be loved and hating the love he already felt was slowly gnawing away at every inch of him.

His bright smile was rarely seen anymore, and his eyes had lost their shine.

It wasn’t long before people began to notice.

His relationship with the other man ended badly, leaving them both broken and hurt, riddled with guilt and pain, Woohyun didn’t know how to handle how he felt.

Two months passed and Woohyun was no longer able to go to his schedules, he didn’t eat, didn’t sleep, and he found himself more lonely than he’d ever been before, unable to find any light at the end of the tunnel anymore and his feelings which he’d managed to push down and hide for so long and had felt fine about were now making his entire body hurt with longing and he couldn’t take it anymore.

It’s funny how badly timed things work out in the end.

Sunggyu had planned on telling Woohyun how he felt the evening it happened. It was as if everyone knew it was coming but at the same time wanted to deny that Woohyun would ever do it.

No one knew he’d ever leave.

No one knew where he got the pills, or how long he’d been gone before he was found, but it was Sunggyu who found him as he went to tell him how he felt, hoping to end the youngers pain.

It seemed Woohyun had ended the pain himself, but he’d ended himself along with it.

No one regretted not helping him earlier more than Sunggyu did as he broke down beside his best friends cold body, hands clutching at his shirt and tears blurring his vision.

It was like losing a part of him, he said at the funeral, voice choked. He still hadn’t told Woohyun how he felt, but then was his last chance as he turned from where he stood in the front of the church to the coffin that lay open behind him, and spoke the words he’d meant to tell Woohyun.

“Woohyun-ah… There was never a moment in my life when I felt as happy as I did when I was with you, and though it took me too long to realise, too long to ever say anything, because I was scared, I’m not scared anymore. I’m not scared to tell you I love you, and that it’s my fault I didn’t tell you sooner, that I could have prevented this if only I wasn’t so terrified of my own feelings. I’m so sorry it ended with way, but we’ll be together again soon, I promise.”

That night his eyes drooped, slowly closing as he lay curled up in Woohyun’s bed, dressed in one of his shirts and pair of shorts, his pillow clutched to his chest, and the small bottle of pills, now empty, kept ahold of tightly in his hand.

This was horrible to write but I felt I had to. Writing is my personal outlet after all. I know my writing recently has been pretty sad, and I was going to end this happily for a moment, but it didn't work out that way I guess. I'm sorry :c