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/hides after/

Song Minho

Glances

Looks away

Then glances again

And looks away again

I mentally cursed myself and craned my head to see if Mrs. Park was still facing the chalk board. I sighed in relief when she was. I slowly turned my head, and looked at him subtly pass my shoulder. He was chewing the tip of the pencil while his brow was scrunched in thought.

What could he be thinking so deeply?

I absentmindedly chewed the tip of my ball pen as well and looked away for the nth time that morning.

He drew me in like a magnet, no matter how long our distances were: there was a pull. There was something that was pulling me towards him--- something very strong; something I do not understand and neither could I comprehend.

 The pull melts me into a puddle of goo when I see his smile. I do not understand, still, why my heart erratically gallops like a horse with a Ferrari engine when I see him--- the wholeness of Kim Jinwoo.

Sometimes I find myself walking past his locker purposely just to see him, even just his side profile.

The shrill sound of the school bell shook me out of my thoughts, and my eyes immediately searched if Jinwoo was still in the room. My heart plummeted when I knew he was not there in his seat anymore, so I hastily put my things back into the bag.

I was about to scurry off out of the room when a yellow and black pocket book caught my attention. It was hidden under the desk of my seatmate, but the corner of it stuck out. It felt like I was purposely being shown to it. I surprised myself by picking the book up and looked at its cover.

How to make senpai notice you 101 (FOR DUMMIES…LIKE YOU)

I snickered at the title of the book. It’s ridiculous, I thought. Yet I pocketed it and zoomed out of the room.

I sat on a bench during lunch time and started to read the book I found on my first class.

1.)  Embarrass yourself in front of senpai ;D
A hundred percent guarantee he/she will notice you.

My brows immediately met in between just by reading the first step. This is ridiculous. I closed the book and inspected all the details to see if it was a legit published guide book. My brows scrunched even more, and my lips marred in a frown in utter disbelief.

“Hi, Mino.” My head snapped up from a sweet voice, and there I was, on a bench, my mouth slightly hanging open as I watch Jinwoo hyung pass by slowly in my vision with sparkles surrounding him as he waves at me with that knee-wobbling smile etched on his beautiful face.

 

I love his eyes.


“Hello, hyung.” It was a good thing I managed to stay calm and collected when I greeted him back. I also managed to return a small wave at him, which I immediately made a small victory dance in my head.

W-wait! Did he see me gawking at him? If he did, then that was embarrassing!

Wait! Did I just do Step 1 unintentionally?

I opened the book again and groaned in frustration. I buried my face against the book. I leaned my head back, letting my hand dangle the book limply. I looked up at the sky. Why am I doing this? I did not need to make Jinwoo hyung notice me. We are already friends ever since he transferred next to Taehyun’s.

This is crazy!

I put my palm over my face and purposely and heavily drag it down while I groan. I took a big whiff of breath before I head towards my next class--- with Jinwoo hyung

====================================

In the midst of the clinking noises of spoon and fork against its plates, dad’s voice loomed over the noise; swallowing it down with just one syllable of his.

“So, Mino son… How is school?” He inquired; his voice cool as usual. He looks at me briefly before glancing back his attention to his food.

I chewed my vegetable finely before responding to him. “School is fine, dad.” I nodded after.

He nodded along with me as he chewed his food as well. I waited for him to speak to me again, and I readied myself when I saw him swallow his food with ease and wiped his lips with the table napkin.

“Will we be meeting someone special soon?” I could detect the hint of playfulness in his voice. My dad had always wanted me to have a special someone and bring the person home for them to meet, yet I still could not find the right person.

I caught the way my dad glanced over to my mom with a subtle grin which my mom also responded with a wicked gleam in her eye too.

“Hmm… I am curious as to who my son’s heart go badump badump to. Like how your father was so affected to me.” She laughs softly and holds my father’s hand on hers on the table.

Before they could go all lovey dovey married couple on me, I looked at them indifferently.

“What’s the rush, dad? If I find the right person then I will take her directly to both of you, but for now let me just enjoy my high school year relationship-free.”

“Oh, honey…” My mom coaxed. “We are not rushing you, okay? Your dad must be just having his male menopausal stage.”

“I am still in my mid-40, honey!” My father exclaimed, astonished and embarrassed at the same time although it was just us. My mom just shrugged him off with a wave of the hand before turning her sole attention on me.

She removed her hand from dad’s and put it over mine.

“You know, honey. We do not mind if you are…” She paused and waved her hand animatedly as she makes faces, obviously not sure whether to say it directly or use alternate names.

 

I sighed and put my spoon and fork down. “If I am what, mom?” I challenged her to say it directly, but both parents said in unison.

“…attracted to the same gender.”

“Gay.” He said it through a cough as he pretends to wipe his lips on the table napkin. 

My mom immediately whipped her head to dad in a flash and threw the sharpest daggers at him. She said something to him agitatedly, but all I could hear was her hisses.

I cleared my throat to stop the commotion in the dining area.

“I am not gay, dad…” I declared and a pass a brief look at dad then at mom “…nor attracted to the same gender, mom.” I spoke with finality---putting a period in their unbelievable thoughts.

.

I slept that night with uneasiness swirling in my stomach. I hardly slept that night, and the last words I uttered kept replaying into my mind like a broken record.

With those uneasy thoughts, Jinwoo hyung’s face appeared into my mind. I did not know why, but my heart ached from what I said during dinner.

                                                                ========================

Jinwoo hyung invited me over to a concert. While waiting for our friends, we ate ice cream on the bench beside the ice cream stall.

As we talk about the things that happened on the past week, I mentioned to him about the conversation I had with my parents over dinner. And mention--- I mean I told him every detail.

I looked at him after taking a minute or two by telling him the details, and I saw how his eyes were looking at the ice cream cone. His eyes that I adore were gloomy--- the kind when clouds thicken, darken, and cover the radiant sun and the blue sky.

I wondered what he was thinking about that spoilt his face in a frown, but I opted for keeping my mouth shut and looked at my ice cream gloomily as well.

“So, what did your parents say after?” His voice seemed distant and tired.

I turned my head to him and saw him looking at me, patiently waiting for me to answer. I just shrugged, keeping my eyes only onto him. “They just nodded, and we continued eating without a word.”

He opened his mouth to speak when a shrilling yelp caught both our attention, making us whip our heads to see a girl, on her knees on the ground. I automatically went into action and rushed over to the damsel who obviously tripped onto the ground.

“Are you okay, miss?” Jinwoo hyung spoke, standing across me.

I carefully put my arm across the girl’s shoulder and gently laid her up. Her hair was neatly tied in a ponytail, so I immediately noticed the tears staining her cheek.

 

The girl wiped the tears on her cheek and spoke hoarsely and lowly that it was hard to catch.

“I-I am fine…” She hiccupped while rubbing her eyes. “T-Thank you.”  She looked up to the man holding her left elbow, which was Jinwoo hyung, and she smiled at him politely before nodding her head in gratitude. My eyes were glued to Jinwoo hyung when he morphed a small polite smile in response.

I was pulled back into a reality when I saw Jinwoo hyung’s brows furrow in confusion, and I realized that the girl in distress was actually waiting for me to respond. I ducked my head to look at her, and at the same time her once tear-stained cheeks were now coated in beet red.

“U-uh... T-thank you…” She spluttered. Her cat-like eyes bore into mine, taking my face into her memory, too long to my liking, yet she immediately looked away with a pout.

Both of us helped her to stand up, and asked if she was capable of walking alone. She nodded shyly, and I admit she kept her eyes on me the whole time through her peripheral vision. I could sense. A guy also has his intuition, plus I was looking at her as well, purely concerned.

After minutes of persuading to be brought to the clinic, she kindly declined by waving her hand and shaking her head at us. Respecting her decision, Jinwoo hyung hailed a cab for her while I kept holding to support her.

She thanked us again after I assisted her into the taxi cab.

Later that night, the loud cheers of the crowd filled the whole arena, and everybody was jumping along with the beat, banging their heads, and raised their hands as high as they could just so the performers on stage could see them.

We were situated on the center VIP section. When someone from the group hopped towards us, Jinwoo hyung immediately went on his toes and raised the yellow crown light stick as high as he could in the air, and he screamed. I was hoping his vocal chords did not break.

I watched him as he flailed the light stick in his hand along with the beat, as the guy in front of us rapped. I watched him as his eyes immensely bore into the performer adoringly. His eyes swirled with so much adoration, and his smile was full with happiness and so wide; that made my heart so envious.

“GD!!” He screamed like the rest of the people in the crowd as the said name was doing a performance along with Taeyang. I know because some also screamed Taeyang. I looked up and saw a fashionable male, who could really model in Vogue, rapping his heart out intensely while he interacts with his fans.

                                                             =============================

The next day I went into line for the audition of new members for the Performing Arts Club. I was going to rap for my audition. Nervousness crept into me like second skin, and I keep exhaling and inhaling deep breaths to calm myself.

As my name was called, I withdrew a huff before going into the auditorium.

 

I started banging my head slowly with a tap of my foot, taking in the downbeat of the song and in one fluid moment; everything I practiced for days came naturally out of me. I rapped like I was born to. I closed my eyes to feel the intensity and the message of song while I rapped. Jinwoo hyung’s image visited my mind again. I smiled; my heart beating erratically, I could hear it from my own ears.

When I opened my eyes, I saw the judges’ approving nods, and my smile widened even more.

I went out of the auditorium with a huge smile on my face, the sign of pure victory carved from inspiration and hardwork. I was fortunately accepted and would start practicing, for I would be having a performance on a school event. It felt so good that I could feel I can touch the sky.

I spotted Jinwoo hyung turning around the corner with too many books in his arms, towering his height. I made a quick run towards him and carefully collected several into my hands.

“Hey, Mino! I can manage to carry those!” I sort of took more than half of his baggage.

 

I rolled my eyes incredulously at him and turned my heel towards him.

“Yeah, right. And I would love to see you toppling over, Jinwoo hyung.”

He catches up to me, glaring holes into the side of my head, which I absolutely find heart-swelling because I feel like his attention was only to me, but I hid it with a smirk.

“Focus your eyes on the path, Jinwoo hyung.”
 

I glanced at him through the corner of my eye and saw how his ear was tainted pink when he looked away, still frustrated. He mumbled some words along the lines of “I can manage” “stupid” “I am not weak” “definitely not clumsy” “psh Mino” “tss”  “I am focused” “very so”
 

I just pursed my lips to encase the laugh tempting to escape my mouth.

“What are these books for, anyway?” I inquired as I put the heavy books down on the table gently and silently as I could--- it was a library, after all.
 

“I need these for my research, but then the librarian told me it was too old, so they stored it in the storage room, and I had to get it downstairs which I am very thankful, by the way.” He put the books down after I did. I took a seat adjacent to his and cocked a smug grin and leaned closely to him.

“And you told me you can manage, huh?”
 

He did not look at me, but I detected the faint pink that colored his cheek, that I love to pinch. With my face having a close proximity to his, I could not help but take in his features. He was too beautiful to begin with. From the way his long lashes flutter down to where his pink lips lay and pucker in thought were beautiful.

Jinwoo hyung was the epitome of beauty.

I snapped back to reality when I received a hard nudge from him which I had to conceal my yelp, making my face scrunch hideously from pain. He had done it purposely; I know it!

“Isn’t that the girl last week? The one who tripped down?” He told me while pointing his pen towards the same cat-eyed girl from last week, sitting on the corner side.

 

I hugged my side, the spot where he nudged and managed a nod towards him.
 

He bit the tip of his pen; the thing he usually does when he was in deep thought.

The pain on my side faded when he spoke. “Your dad thinks you’re gay, right?” I nodded absent-mindedly.

“And you are not, right?” He did not give me the chance to speak, for he beat me to it. “Well, then, from the way she looked at you blushing and all during our first encounter with her. I think she likes you.” He turned his head to me and he paused for a moment, locking gazes with me.

He looked at me as if I was going to fade from his sight. I felt his eyes taking every inch of me within him. My heart somersaulted, but it plummeted after the very second he spoke: “And I think you will like her too. You, both, look good together.”

His eyes averted mine from the last three words.

I was out of words from what he said. I searched for words and what came out of my mouth had to be the dumbest thing I spoke.

“Do you want me to date her, hyung?” I spoke as low as a whisper, my heart completely baffled. 

His nod tore my eyes away from him and transferred upon the books laid in front of him. I nodded absent-mindedly moments later. No matter how my heart felt heavier than it weighed. I stayed, but in the core of my heart, I knew I could not stay forever.

                                                          =================================

I scanned my eyes for him through the wide area of the reception. My heart sank from the truth that he did not fulfil his promise. He did not come. I picked my phone from my pocket and thankful that Jieun, my bride, was busy talking with one of my relatives.


My fingers smoothly flew from one letter to another from my visual keyboard. I pressed send as quick as I could.

From: Song Minho

To: Kim Jinwoo

Sent: 7:15 PM

 Where are you?

I waited and waited, yet there was no reply that came from him. It was supposed to be a happy day. After being in a relationship and being engaged for so long with Jieun, with the ups and downs in our relationship, we still have come to the point of being appointed to marriage.

Yet my heart ached for someone else’s presence. The ache that has not been filled after the day of high school graduation.

=========================

Days before my college graduation, Jinwoo hyung and I met unexpectedly in a Café. I immediately scoured the opportunity of seeing him again, so I offered him to have coffee with me.

“My treat.” I told him too gleeful than usual. I felt like a kid knowing that we were going to Disneyland after years of hoping for it.

He just smiled at me and subtly lingered his gaze on me. Jinwoo hyung had grown mature--- from being too busy in the office, maybe. Yet he maintains the beauty he still had back in high school. He now had shorter hair unlike from high school that his bangs would fall on top of his eyes. Now, his bangs was cut and now gelled to the back, sleek and neat. 

I missed him.

No other words can explain it.

“Hyung, have you ever experienced being stuck in between doing something you have to do and doing something you want to do?” I spoke moments after our catching up.

The thought kept bugging my mind for so long now, and I want to hear it. I want to clarify things out with myself.

He looked up at me through the rim of his mug. His eyes told me his answer. He did. He has gone through the same thing as me, and I think he knew what my first answer was.

“Is that person sure of what he is going to do?” He spoke, looking at me in the eyes after he set his mug down. Like the moment in the library back in high school, he did not give me the chance to speak. “If so, then he should do it. Sometimes, some things are just meant to be seen and not to be reached.”

I was speechless for a minute, and he was the one who broke the ice.

“Enough of emotional talks, Mino. You are graduating out of college already! Loosen up!” He smiled at me as if nothing happened. He scoured something in his bag, keeping a genuine grin on his face---something that reminds me of the night of the concert we both attended.

“I have two tickets to Big Bang’s reunion concert! Could you not believe it? Last time we went to their concert when we were in high school, and now we can relive it.” He laughed heartily and passed me a ticket. I took it, not knowing a grin has already carved in my face from the memory.

That night we have skipped the concert because it rained heavily. Then, coffee turned into liquors, and liquors lead us to being drunken asses.

We walked under the rain on our way home; our hands clasped together as we sing along to our Alma Mater’s song out of tune. The rain poured over us heavily, but I did not mind. It felt good. I felt better after all those times.

Having a fever because of this would be worth it.

We keep singing different songs after another song, and I playfully twirl Jinwoo hyung around like those fancy dances happening in the movies, and we laughed our hearts out like everything was meant to be for us, like everything was always happy for us.

“You are so good at rapping, Mino.” Jinwoo slurred, his eyes already hooded from being intoxicated.

I twirled him around again, and he landed straight into my chest. I kept him there for he fits perfectly in my arms. I even tightly coiled my arms around him, pressing both our heated bodies together. He absent-mindedly, or alcohol-mindedly, buried his face against my chest which made a contented sigh left my lips.

“And you are so beautiful, Jinwoo hyung.” I whispered against his soaked hair.

He leaned away a little bit to look at me, and he smiled like a little kid.

“Really?” He asked in a higher pitch that could be compared to a squeak.

I looked at him lovingly. My eyes held and expressed every feeling I had for him ever since we were in high school and nodded my head before whispering.

“Really.”

Alcoholic drink indeed brings out the truth out of people’s hearts.

                                                                ================================

The night after the wedding, I purposely went in front of Jinwoo hyung’s house. His silhouette can be seen through his window. He was watching a show screened in TV.

I just looked at him for a long moment. I stayed. I stayed for a while.

Although only to be seen and not to be reached, you will always be the star that gleams beautifully throughout my night sky.

I went home that night and discovered something that brought nostalgia crashing down onto me like a waterfall. It was the yellow guide book. I smiled sadly as I caressed the dusty front page.

I opened the book, and its pages turned into a light shade of brown, significance of its age.

I ended up on the last page of the book.

101: Man up!

Nothing feels good than being true to yourself.