A/N: OTL I actually had this written months ago but I forgot to post it....whoops xD. This installment is mainly youngjae-centric with platonic!2jae

~

Youngjae shouldn't exist.

Or rather, Youngjae should've died long ago, with his brothers and sisters shortly after birth. And even if his survival as an enfant was a fluke, statistically speaking, he still shouldn't have made it. Not as a rabbit shifter anyways, alone in the wild. He had all the odds stacked against him, and luck could've carried him only so far.

It was particularly unexpected especially since his luck had already been ty before birth. For a rabbit shifter family to willing choose to live in the wild, as rabbits, could only be due to the most desperate of situations.

It was true, most shifters spent most of their time, and their life for that matter, in their human forms. There were those here and there who simply enjoyed the wild better, though a good majority of those were also rogues who more often than not had a blatant disregard for the Code.

The rest, however, were forced into it by circumstance.

In a situation of poverty or loss, taking your family out to live in the wild suddenly becomes much more appealing than attempting to dig yourself back out of debt, or poverty, or whatever bad situation you’d landed yourself in. In the wild, money and material possessions weren’t necessary for survival, only instincts and a rich habitat to hunt and feed in.

For animals of prey, however, circumstances would have had to been dire. Rogue shifters weren't even the main concern; rather, the probability of being picked off by a real predator was ten times higher than being murdered in cold blood.

The only reason Youngjae survived was because of Granny. He knew that. In the chaos of this siblings and parents being picked off one by one, Youngjae had somehow been the one to escape, tearing off blindly and didn't stop running until he was completely spent, unable to move a single inch forward.

It had begun to rain, too, and all Youngjae managed to do was to stuff himself miserably into a small hole he found at the bottom of a tree, soon fast asleep from exhaustion.

And that's how Granny found him. Still asleep, fur matted and nose buried in his own fur. Another reason why Youngjae shouldn't have been the one to survive; his instincts . He was always slow to wake, slow to react, and especially drowsy in the mornings. These things combined only spelled trouble, because it was fear and the ability to immediately flee that kept prey like him alive.

And so, when Youngjae finally awoke, he had already been carefully placed inside of a small wicker basket, caged in by the firmly secured lid on top. Of course, he’d panicked, stirring up a ruckus inside by trying to bust his way out, but the lid held on tight.

When he finally worked himself to exhaustion, he was shocked to make out the cooing noises from above, a frail but still kindly voice attempting to soothe him.

It was from then on that Youngjae returned to civilization.

~~

Youngjae heaved a sigh of relief when the last stake was in the ground, his tomato plants finally all propped up carefully. Many were already growing heavy with fruit, bending their stems and branches. Soon, they’d be ripe enough to eat.

Youngjae felt that familiar feeling of satisfaction wash over him as he surveyed the rest of his garden. It wasn’t anything particularly spectacular, but Youngjae was damn proud of it. The inn used to belong to Granny before she passed away, and so this used to be Granny’s garden, but Youngjae had slowly expanded it after her death. It had grown to the point where it could support much of the inn’s demand for fresh produce in the warmer months.

More than anything else though, it was something Youngjae could call his own. It was his contribution, something only he could pull off.

Just as Youngjae was considering whether or not his cucumber vines needed more fencing around, he was interrupted by an urgent voice.

“Youngjae-hyung, Jaebum-hyung wants you to come inside!”

Youngjae stood up, sending a frown towards Yugyeom who was standing by the door.

“Why? I’ve still got two hours till sunset, and I’ve already went around to check rooms this afternoon.”

“Mark-hyung said there may be two rogue shifters approaching, Jaebum-hyung just wants to be safe.”

Youngjae’s frown deepened momentarily, but he quickly forced down the disappointment, schooling his expression to fit his usual cheerful self.

“Okay, I’ll be right in! I’m just gonna finish this real quick, okay?”

Yugyeom looked a bit apprehensive.

“Jaebum-hyung sounded pretty urgent.”

The corners of Youngjae’s mouth stiffened, but he still managed to keep his grin.

“It’s fine, it’ll only take a second! Promise!”

“Okay…” Yugyeom said reluctantly, clearly still hesitant to go inside without his hyung. “Do you want me to wait for you?”

“No, it’s fine. Oh come on, I’ll be fine! It’ll literally take a second,” Youngjae reassured Yugyeom, flashing him one of his winning smiles. Finally convinced, Yugyeom retreated inside with one last worried look over his shoulder.

As soon as Yugyeom was out of sight, Youngjae’s smile dropped. Sinking back down to the ground, he sighed, rubbing his hands over his face tiredly.

Of course. Just as he was beginning to forget, all of his worries had to come rushing back.

Youngjae knew he was the weakest. No matter how you looked at it, Choi Youngjae was the weakest link in their makeshift family of seven. What in the world could he do as a rabbit? Tending a garden was about the extent of his usefulness.

If they lived in a safe, peaceful world, it wouldn’t be so bad. But unfortunately, they lived in a time of uneasy race relations, a time where strangers were people to be wary of and not befriend. Strength and power were the things that allowed you to survive. Make yourself vulnerable, and your life just may be over.

But if he was just merely useless, it honestly wouldn’t be so bad. Bambam, for example, wasn’t much use in fights either as a monkey. But at least he had the ability to wreak some havoc, to cause a distraction. And in a worst case scenario, he had a good chance of getting himself out and fleeing to safety.

Youngjae on the other hand, was just a liability through and through. He was the one the others needed to go out of their way to protect. Fight? He probably couldn’t even run away properly. He was the one that endangered everyone else with his weakness, and Youngjae hated himself for it.

And that was why he felt so guilty for still feeling resentful.

He was already fully aware of his weakness and the burden he placed on those most important to him. He had absolutely no right to feel upset, but still couldn’t help the twinge of annoyance whenever they treated him like glass.

Everyone was so careful around him, especially Jaebum-hyung. Jaebum had the been the one to set the rules, after all. Youngjae was never allowed to leave the premises of the inn alone, in case a rogue shifter happened upon him. More often than not he wasn’t allowed on trips to town, for fear of confrontations with hunters. And of course, he wasn’t allowed outside after dark unless accompanied by another.

All these restrictions made sense. They were for his safety, and of course it was because they cared for him, because they loved him. Youngjae knew all this on an intellectual level, which was why sometimes the guilt was even more overwhelming than the resentment.

It was a vicious cycle. Youngjae would resent being treated so carefully, but then he would always feel guilty for being resentful in the first place. And then he would just resent being useless, and the cycle continued.

“Youngjae-ah!”

Youngjae jerked, so caught up in his thoughts he hadn’t noticed time passing again. This time it was Jaebum himself that had come to fetch him.

“Come inside, we’re planning to eat dinner together anyways. Jinyoung made the carrots you picked today, should we see if they’re any good?” Jaebum called out, winking cheesily and Youngjae couldn’t help but return his smile, though it didn’t quite reach his eyes.

“Okay!”

~~

Turns out, it had been a false alarm. The two shifters Mark spotted might have been rogues, but they’d given Safety Inn a wide berth, soon passing on without making a stop.

And for whatever reason, that set Youngjae off.

No, he didn’t throw a tantrum. He didn’t have the guts to throw a tantrum, and it wasn’t like he had any grounds be upset, either. He already had enough guilt, the last thing he needed was everyone looking at him all hurt and upset and knowing he was the cause.

Instead, Youngjae snuck out at night. The urge had been inexplicable, but if he was to be honest with himself it had also been building up for a while. He needed to get out, breathe fresh air he hadn’t yet before, on his own.

Yes, he knew it was stupid. He knew it was childish, but he’d reached his breaking point. He would probably regret it later, but right now, he couldn’t care less about the consequences.

Youngjae’s heart thumped wildly as he crept across the lobby, carefully listening to see if anyone stirred, before slowly slipping out the front door.

The night air hit him instantly and Youngjae took a deep breath, almost greedily drinking in every smell, sight, sound.

This made it seem like he hadn’t been outside at night in ages, which wasn’t true at all, but this was a first on his own, and the adrenaline pumping through his veins heightened his senses by tenfold.

Youngjae began walking, but as he reached the edge of the inn’s property, he hesitated slightly.

Before, Youngjae would’ve confidently said he was the one most familiar with the area. After all, he had roughly a ten year advantage on everyone else. When he lived here alone with Granny, he’d explored every nook and cranny of the surrounding woods and open fields.

But now, he was hesitant. It’d been a while, and truthfully, even with Granny he’d never been out after dark. Everything looked different illuminated only by the moon and stars, and Youngjae suddenly found himself second guessing his decision.

And another pressing matter: should he proceed as human, or as rabbit? He’d be more vulnerable as a rabbit, yes, but his human form was also ten times louder and more clumsy.

Deciding to proceed as human for now, Youngjae took a deep breath to steady himself, and then set off.

~~

In the end, Youngjae didn’t wander far. The inn wasn’t exactly in sight, but if he were to walk just a minute, its dim lanterns lit out back would be visible.

It wasn’t the distance that mattered, but the act.

Now, he was sitting on the low branch of a tree, legs dangling, back leaned comfortably against the trunk. The breeze felt so good on his face, and the stars were so bright.

Youngjae slowly zoned out on the stars, everything else around him fading into the background as he marveled over the twinkling lights so high above. His thoughts began to drift, absently thinking about how free they were, but so far away, so lonely in the night sky.

Somehow, Youngjae felt like he could relate to the stars. Which was a dumb idea, because he was a rabbit shifter and those were massive balls of flame and heat, but still.

From here, the stars didn’t look lonely at all. There were so many of them clustered in the sky, blinking and winking and twinkling in time with each other. They looked almost mischievous, playful in how they slowly moved across the sky as the earth turned.

But in reality, Youngjae knew that none of them really were winking, or blinking. They were only burning continuously, bright hot balls of energy suspended in space. And none of them were really close at all, but incredibly alone in the endless expanse of pitch black darkness.

Many of them probably had planets orbiting them, or moons and asteroids, drawn in by their light and gravitational pull. But those planets would never come into contact, just slowly circling and keeping a carefully calculated distance.

Youngjae thought that had to be the worst feeling ever. To be surrounded by others, others whom you knew would never leave your side, but still feel so utterly alone.

And when a star died, when its relentless burning finally was unable to be sustained any longer, it could take days, months, even years for others to be able to see and know. Light may be the fastest, but in some cases, time was still faster.

And even more than loneliness, Youngjae feared being left behind.

~~

Lost in thought, Youngjae didn’t even notice when his eyes began to unfocus, his mind slowing until it sank into unconsciousness, his eyes slipping shut.

The next thing he knew his breath had been knocked straight out of his lungs and he was falling, jolted from his half-asleep state by the sudden rush of air and a shadow blocking out the stars.

Youngjae didn’t even have time to panic before his back hit the ground. But somehow, it didn’t hurt, his body slowing just before impact and thus softening the blow, his only reaction a surprised yelp.

Fear finally set in when Youngjae heard the sound of heavy panting from above him, the feeling of something’s hot breath blowing out onto his face.

But then, the fear dissipated as quickly as it had come.

“Jaebum-hyung…” Youngjae said weakly.

Glinting yellow eyes and a low growl greeted Youngjae, the familiar black panther stepping away from its position above him to allow Youngjae to sit up. It circled Youngjae a few times, growling menacingly with its tail lashing behind, before finally melting away into the shadows.

Jaebum re-emerged moments later, looking just as furious as Youngjae had expected.

“What in the world are you doing out here? Do you know everyone’s up and out looking for you right now? What if we didn’t find you first? What in the world were you thinking?”

Youngjae dropped his head, that familiar shame and guilt filling him. Jaebum looked absolutely outraged, but also quite the mess. Hair mussed and sweat dripping from his brow, Youngjae could only imagine how long he’d been out here, and how long everyone had been looking for him. They must have been terrified, not knowing where he was or what had happened.

“I’m sorry,” Youngjae finally whispered, the syllables so soft they were almost entirely carried away by the wind.

But it was the only thing he could say. How could he ever explain himself, after all?

Jaebum’s fury diminished slightly at Youngjae’s pitiful state, but his anger had never been so easily soothed. He stalked up to Youngjae, pulling him up with both hands.

“Let’s go,” he said tersely while Youngjae only nodded meekly, eyes still downcast and avoiding eye-contact. Jaebum didn’t release his hand, keeping it in an almost too tight grip as he pulled him along back the way they came.

They were almost back to the inn when Jaebum took a quick glance over his shoulder at Youngjae, immediately freezing when he caught a glimpse of something reflective slipping from Youngjae’s cheek.

All anger was gone now, replaced entirely by worry and panic.

“Youngjae? Are you hurt? What’s wrong?”

Immediately Jaebum had spun around with his hands on Youngjae’s shoulders, peering at him worriedly as he looked him over for injuries, wrinkling his nose as he attempted to sniff for blood.

Youngjae was startled, immediately wiping a hand over his eyes.

“No, no, hyung, I’m fine, I’m fine,” Youngjae quickly reassured. “I’m not hurt, I’m fine.”

Jaebum let out a sigh of relief, Youngjae doing the same when he saw Jaebum relax. It had just been one tear that had managed to escape, and Youngjae hadn’t thought Jaebum would’ve noticed his expression in the dark.

“I’m sorry.”

With this second hesitant apology any remaining anger fully drained from Jaebum’s body, his shoulders slumping as he looked at Youngjae with weary eyes that were almost apologetic themselves.

“No, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you back there.” Jaebum suddenly sounded terribly fatigued, and Youngjae’s gut only clenched. He didn’t know if he could handle any more guilt.

“No, it was my fault.”

This time, though, Jaebum caught the flash of emotion across Youngjae’s face. He sighed, running a hand through his hair.

“Something’s been bothering you recently, hasn’t there?” Jaebum finally asked, looking Youngjae straight in the eye. When Youngjae only gaped, Jaebum let out a short laugh.

“I’m a terrible leader. Of course you wouldn’t run out here in the middle of the night for no reason. Of course there’s something bothering you, I’m an idiot for not noticing.”

Jaebum’s eyes had softened completely at this point, and Youngjae felt a tiny flame of hope flicker to life somewhere in his chest.

“Hyung…”

Jaebum only shook his head ruefully.

“Don’t give me any credit now, Jinyoung was the one who noticed you were gone. Said he thought you’ve been a bit distant lately so he was a bit worried, especially at dinner today. He paid attention, and it paid off.”

Jaebum suddenly snorted.

“He also told me not to yell at you if I found you, and look what I did. Handed specific instructions and still can’t get it right.”

Jaebum sighed, then set his shoulders, as if coming to a decision. Youngjae only watched on nervously, shifting his weight from foot to foot when Jaebum finally gave him a sideways look, smiling wryly.

“You know what, let’s not go back.”

~~

Jaebum eventually took Youngjae out even further than before, to an open field. Youngjae only followed behind tentatively, not knowing how to read Jaebum’s intentions.

Finally, Jaebum motioned for him to sit down, the two of them settling down side by side on the dewy grass. Jaebum reclined back, resting his weight on forearms while Youngjae curled in on himself, still nervous as he hugged his knees to his chest. The chirping of crickets and other night insects made sure they weren’t sitting in silence.

Jaebum tilted his head to look up at the stars, and Youngjae quickly followed his lead.

They just gazed up for a while, neither saying anything and slowly growing accustomed to all the night sounds around them.

Youngjae didn’t know exactly how much time had passed since he first stargazed, but already, many of the stars had shifted positions. There were also fewer of them visible now compared to earlier, as the moon had finally decided to break through that one cloud it had been hiding behind.

It was the same night sky, full of the same lonely stars, and yet, already distinctly different.

Finally, it was Youngjae who broke the silence.

“Won’t the others be worried if we don’t go back?” he asked carefully, tentative to be the one to lead conversation.

Jaebum smiled slightly, shaking his head with his eyes still fixed upwards.

“Nah, Mark flew over us a few minutes ago, he’ll have told them we’re fine.”

“Oh,” Youngjae ducked his head, once again embarrassed. Of course Jaebum would’ve thought it out already.

They settled back into a so-called silence (well, so-called because an owl had taken up hooting nearby in addition to all the other noise from before). Instead, Youngjae’s attention slowly began to drift from the stars to the moon.

It was a waxing crescent, not very large or bright yet but still steady in its beauty and luminance. It calmed Youngjae’s heart, soothing his nerves and slowly, a feeling of peacefulness washed over him.

He didn’t know what Jaebum was thinking, or why they were sitting here. He didn’t know why they weren’t talking yet, and he didn’t know if he was going to be in big trouble (which he totally deserved).

What he did know was that he trusted Jaebum. With his life, unconditionally.

How else would he have calmed so quickly after being tackled from that tree?

Yugyeom and Bambam were probably more familiar with that particular side of him, as they’d been the ones who had happened upon the run-down inn first after Granny’s death. To say Youngjae had been a bit….well, jumpy, would probably be an understatement.

Back then, Youngjae flinched at every loud noise, had to fight the urge to flee at the sound of any potential intruder, and frankly, was just scared out of his own fur almost all the time.

It was what had been necessary for survival. His tendency towards flight was what saved him that time a duo of poachers had wandered through, looking for shifters to capture for their trade.

It took him a good couple of months to get used to having Yugyeom around, and even after that, a good few weeks longer before he truly slept comfortably in his presence.

But now? It wasn’t just Youngjae, but all of them could recognize each other in seconds, whether it was by sight, scent, or even by the sound of their footsteps. And once recognized, all barriers were let down immediately, survival instincts long nullified by the much stronger sense of security.

Even after being bodily knocked to the ground, even with Jaebum in panther form hovering over him with his teeth bared, Youngjae had only felt safe.

Just like now, when they were sitting in an open field, completely vulnerable with no close cover. A rabbit’s nightmare, really, but Youngjae only felt at peace under the moonlight, reassured by the presence of a panther shifter of all things.

Perhaps….he wasn’t all that alone, after all? But then why did he still feel so isolated?

“Youngjae-ah, you know we all love you a lot, right?” When Jaebum finally spoke again, his words were slow but deliberate, startling Youngjae out of his almost-revelation and pulling him back to reality. Jaebum shifted his gaze from the stars to Youngjae’s eyes, brow furrowed slightly in seriousness. “We’re all here for you, whatever it is you need.”

“....I know.”

The words caught in Youngjae’s throat. He suddenly felt like crying again, eyes growing moist and he swallowed in an attempt to keep them at bay.

Jaebum stayed silent, clearly waiting for Youngjae to explain.

“I…”

Youngjae swallowed again, still uncertain with how to proceed. Jaebum reached over to wrap an arm around him, squeezing his shoulders reassuringly.

Youngjae tried again, his words spilling out of him in a rushed but desperate explanation.

“I just...hate being a burden. I know, I know, no one else cares if I’m supposedly the weakest or whatever, but I...but I care. I don’t want to be the weakest link, I don’t want to cause you guys trouble. But even despite all that,” Youngjae’s voice hitched while Jaebum’s hold around him tightened. Youngjae took a shaky breath, attempting to steady himself, then continued on determinedly.

“Despite all that, I still, I still feel upset when you guys are so careful with me. I already know it’s because you guys care, and it’s for my safety, but I can’t help it. And I hate not being able to help it, I hate feeling this way, and I hate not being able to change anything at all. At the end of the day I’m still me, and I hate it.”

Youngjae didn’t know when exactly the tears began to fall, but fall they did, all his pent up frustration, insecurities, and fears finally finding their release. Jaebum only continued to hold him, rubbing his back in soothing circles as he began to cry in earnest, breaths coming quicker and quicker until he was sobbing.

Youngjae didn’t know for how long he cried, but seemed like eternity.The entire time, Jaebum didn’t say a word, but to Youngjae it still felt as if Jaebum was the one holding him together, and if he let go he would surely fall apart.

Finally, his breathing evened out, breaths slowing and tears drying.

And finally, Jaebum spoke.

“I....I’m not good at this, Youngjae-ah. But I hope you know, and I’m speaking for all six of us, that you’re not a burden. You are you, and we love you as you are. We…. wouldn’t be a complete family without you. We don’t want you to change.”

“As for the rest….you have the right to get angry and upset, you know. That’s not my exclusive right, no matter how bad my temper is.”

This got a weak laugh from Youngjae, and Jaebum smiled.

“If there’s anything you ever feel upset about, you can talk about it. You’re right, none of us have really considered your feelings with all this, even if safety is our top priority for everyone. But now we’ll know, and we can work on it. You don’t have to feel guilty, Youngjae-ah. You can get angry once in a while, too, if that’s what it takes to let us know. You don’t need to bottle it up.”

“You do that too though, hyung,” Youngjae pointed out, sniffling slightly as he struggled to fully recover from crying. “You get angry, but you always bottle up the most important stuff.”

“Yeah. I do,” Jaebum admitted, a bit sheepish. “And it’s not good. We’ll work on that together, how about that?” Jaebum raised an eyebrow, earning another small laugh from Youngjae.

“Okay.”

With that, it was like a huge weight had finally been lifted off of Youngjae’s chest.

He didn’t have to feel guilty. It was okay to feel upset once in a while.

It would take a while for him to truly believe these things, but it was a start.

Things weren’t all okay yet, but they would be.

Soon.

~~

“What kind of seeds are those?”

Jaebum squatted down beside Youngjae, interestedly watching the younger slowly plant the handful of seeds he had in hand. The sun had set hours ago but Youngjae was still outside, diligently working under the light of the new bright lamp they’d purchased two weeks ago.

Something else new was that they’d all started making a habit of spending more time with Youngjae out at night. Jaebum, especially, now often sat by the garden after sunset, just to watch Youngjae work.

“It’s a secret,” Youngjae smiled, eyes disappearing as he laughed.

“Oh come on, I can keep a secret.” Jaebum hedged. Youngjae inserted the last of the seeds into the dirt, then carefully watered the entire area.

“Done.” Youngjae wiped off his hands, satisfied.

“What is it?” Jaebum asked again, persistent.

Youngjae only shook his head, still teasing.

“Yahh, I’m the hyung here!”

If words didn’t work, then Jaebum had no other choice but to go physical. But just as he was about to go in for the headlock, Youngjae had sprang away nimbly, bright laughter ringing through the night air.

“I told you it was a secret! Come get it if you can!”

~~

Jaebum did end up catching Youngjae, but he never managed to get the answer out of him. Youngjae only insisted that it was a secret, and they would all know when the time was right.

A month later, under the full moon, all seven of them stood outside in awe.

A row of gorgeous white flowers in bloom greeted them, gently swaying in the night breeze.

They were moon flowers, Youngjae had explained. Flowers that only bloomed under the moonlight. Seemingly so alone in the darkness, but illuminated to be so bright by the reflected light. And besides, even if they were the only ones to bloom at night, they still had each other.

But as beautiful as the flowers were and as bright as the full moon was, what was perhaps most stunning that night was the smile on Youngjae’s face.

A/N: Leave me a comment if you enjoyed! Next installment will be markson.