e i g h t e e n 

Siwon-hyung was already ten when he first met the boy who would soon become his new best friend. His name was Hyukjae, Donghae proudly remembered, and he was almost as tall and big as his brother; but only almost. He was their next-door neighbor, their mommy had told him afterwards, while handing him Poof-poof, and he had jumped up their shared fence a week after they had settled in their new house to say hi and play.

Donghae had been five at the time. He was big, too, but not as big as Siwon-hyung. It made him a little sad, because he wanted to be big, too, but their daddy always told him he would grow very fast if he ate all his veggies and drank all his milk. Donghae liked milk, it was yummy; but veggies weren’t. He still finished them, though. Their daddy and mommy said they were proud of him when he did, and he was happy when they were proud of him.

The day he met Hyukjae, after he had successfully jumped up the fence without falling, all the smallest boy had picked up was that there was a stranger in his new garden, and that Bada had been demanding food for the past ten minutes already. She must be very, very hungry, he thought with a coo; ten minutes was a long time. He huffed and looked around, but there was no food ready for his poor dog. Donghae didn’t know what to do.

And, so, like any child of his age who suddenly felt helpless, he started crying.

Hyukjae looked up at him when he heard him sob, a little puzzled and momentarily distracted from their Pokémon game. He eyed the younger boy and curiously tilted his head to the side, then turned back to Siwon-hyung.

“Your brother is crying,” he stated as though they hadn’t all noticed already. “He’s cute though. What’s his name?”

Siwon-hyung protested and said he wasn’t, not at all, and that he was annoying and very noisy. Hyukjae only laughed and put his cards down onto the grass where they were playing, told him not to peek, then walked up to Donghae.

“Hey,” he called him. “Hey, why are you crying?”

“B—Bada, she –” the younger hiccupped miserably. “S—she’s hungry, and I—I –… No food for B—Bada –…”

Hyukjae frowned and bent down until he could look straight into his eyes. “Oh,” he said, nodding. “That’s sad. My dog Choco gets hungry, too, sometimes. But, hey, why don’t you go in and tell your mommy that Bada is hungry? Maybe she has some food to give her.”

Donghae did not think of that. He blinked and sniffed one more time, then nodded eagerly. “Okay,” he said. “I’ll tell my mommy.”

Satisfied, Hyukjae gently patted his head and then went back to play cards with Siwon-hyung, just as he rushed back inside the big house and shouted for his mommy.

*

Siwon-hyung earned and lost a lot of friends up until he was eleven and half – almost twelve, he claimed proudly –, but Hyukjae – Hyukjae-hyung, his mommy admonished him – was the only one who never stopped hanging out with him, even after he had accidentally spilled his strawberry milk. They went to the same school and shared a lot of classes, and they always headed out together in the morning. It was at fifteen minutes away from their home, which was very far, Donghae thought, but his older brother usually replied it was nothing for big boys like them.

The two older boys were always stuck together, and Donghae had wondered if it meant he was their new brother now. He wouldn’t have minded; Hyukjae was nice with him, almost nicer than Siwon-hyung. His mommy told him he wasn’t, though, but that they could be almost as close if they wanted; he didn’t fully understand, but nodded importantly as though he had.

Almost seven years old and already big enough to take over the world, Donghae wasn’t surprised anymore when he saw him playing in his house. He went in and out as though he lived there, and sometimes even had dinner with their family. Donghae thought it was kind of nice.

Hyukjae often played with him, too, when Siwon-hyung would be too busy with other big-boy-things or when he would get scolded by their mommy and daddy. He would smile at him a lot, with all his white teeth and his pink gums, and laugh very loudly, like he couldn’t stop himself, and also pat the top of his head sometimes. It felt very, very nice when that happened.

Hyukjae was a very nice and very pretty boy, Donghae thought. He never told him he was annoying or noisy, and he had pretty eyes, pretty gums, pretty smiles, and pretty laughs. He always used simple words when they talked so it was easier for him to understand. He sometimes brought him candies and new colorings. He almost never told him he would need to wait until he was older. He was pretty just like his bunny Poof-poof became after his mommy washed it clean and it looked all light blue again.

Yes, Donghae nodded to himself as Hyukjae laughed again and moved his Ken-doll-now-transformed-into-a-robot-because-I’m-too-cool-for-dolls in front of his Poof-Poof; he is very nice, and very pretty.

*

Donghae was fully seven when Hyukjae became his favoritest Hyukjae.

He had been playing in the garden with Poof-poof, when a big bee came towards him and flew around his head. Scared, because Siwon-hyung had told him it hurt really badly, he hid his face into his arms and shouted for Siwon-hyung to help him while crying. But Siwon-hyung was in his bedroom upstairs, because he needed to get his backpack before going to play with Hyukjae in the park, and so he didn’t hear him. Even their daddy didn’t hear, because he was taking a nap and thought Siwon-hyung was looking over him. Their mommy was at work for the whole day. 

Then, just when he thought the big bee would sting him, someone quickly swatted it away. It made some bzz-bzz-bzz sounds, before it disappeared. He prudently opened his eyes when he thought it was safe and looked up, only to see Hyukjae, who was worriedly frowning at him.

“Hey, are you okay?” he asked. “Donghae?”

Donghae let his arms fall down by his sides and continued to cry, then ran and hugged Hyukjae really tight. He had been very scared, but Hyukjae had saved him from the bee. A hand rested on the top of his head and ruffled his messy hair, while the older boy chuckled.

It felt good.

Hyukjae was his favoritest Hyukjae.

*

Donghae was eight when Siwon-hyung and Hyukjae became friends with another boy from their school. His name was Zhoumi, he was Chinese, he came from somewhere that was called a Chinese name he couldn’t remember, he was very nice, and he smiled very, very brightly. Brighter than Hyukjae, even.

But Donghae still thought Hyukjae’s smile was the prettiest. He had told him once, with a very solemn face and with Poof-poof by his sides to support him, and Hyukjae had laughed, patted his head and then told him thank you, I think you’re very pretty too, Donghae. It had made him very, very, veeerryyyyy happy. He knew it wasn’t a word, but the one he wanted to use had an ‘x’ and too many ‘e’s’, so he didn’t know how to spell it.

In the middle of the school year – he had had a lot of green stickers so far, he was very proud –, Zhoumi-hyung started holding hands with a girl whose name was Victoria. She was very nice and pretty, too, but not as much as Hyukjae, and always cooked yummy things to eat when she came over to play with the other boys. Donghae liked yummy things very much, so he decided he liked her very much too. Plus, she always took care of him when he felt sad or lonely, so he liked her even more.

But he still didn’t know why they were holding hands. He had held hands with her too, and though it was nice, it didn’t put a big, happy smile on his face like it did on Zhoumi-hyung. Wasn’t Zhoumi-hyung scared of her cooties? He had asked Siwon-hyung, but he had started babbling and his face became all red, like his Iron Man, so he had given up and went back to his colorings. It was a new copybook that Hyukjae had given him, with lots of cute animals. His brother had then told him he would need to wait until he was older to understand; it had made him frown, because he really hated hearing that.

I’ll just ask Hyukjae, he had thought with a shrug.

*

“Why are Zhoumi-hyung and Victoria-noona always holding hands and kissing on the lips?” he asked Hyukjae one night, while he was helping him finishing his Nemo coloring. It was his daddy who had offered him this time, to congratulate him for his green sticker in math.

Even though Hyukjae was already thirteen, which means he was older than him, it didn’t seem like he knew the answer either at first. He tensed and looked all funny for a second, then stared hard at his orange pen, like it had stolen his cookie. And that was a really mean thing to do, Donghae knew.

“Uh, well… it’s because…” He grimaced and sent him a small look. “It’s because they like each other, you know? They’re dating.”

Donghae didn’t understand. “But why?” he insisted. “Why are they dating? Why do they like each other? Why?”

“Well, he’s… Vic is pretty, you know, and she’s very nice, and Zhoumi always smiles when they’re together because he likes spending time with her. And it’s the same about Zhoumi for Vic, you know?” He shrugged and grabbed a blue pen. “So they started liking each other and dating. As in, holding hands and kissing and being gross in general. She’s his girlfriend.”

“Oh,” Donghae nodded this time, because he understood almost all of it. The ‘gross’ part still confused him a little. Then, thinking hard, he adds excitedly, “Oh! But, but, I think Hyukjae is very pretty too! And Hyukjae is very nice, and you always making me to smile when we play, and I like spending time with you! Does that mean you like me and you are my girlfriend too?”

“I – what?” Hyukjae spluttered in surprise, then laughed. “No, no, you’re way too young, Donghae.” A pause, before he continued, “And it’s ‘you always make me smile’, silly.”

Frowning, Donghae pouts unhappily. “Why? I’m eight now. Eight and ten months already! Mommy said she still loves me even if I’m only eight and ten months!”

“Yeah, but that’s different, Donghae. It wouldn’t be right because –…”

“I want you to like me and be my girlfriend!” He started crying, and if there was one thing he knew, it was that Hyukjae hated when he cried, because he said it made him sad. “Please be my g—girlfriend,” he whined with fat sobs