His dark locks reflected the 4 o’clock sun perfectly through the window. He had a large smile on his handsome face, and a clear complexion. He wore a simple green apron and cap, the uniform for the café he was currently working at. I watch as he hands money to a customer, a beaming smile, his eyes forming small crescents and his teeth pearly white. I see his attentiveness and concentration as he takes the next customers order.

I’m afraid to confront him.

His perfection still stops my breath and beats my heart, something that no one else will be able to do. Although he may still seem the same, I can tell that in his gestures, he has matured and experienced a lot more than when I knew him before. I miss him. I missed him.

I take a deep breath and muster courage to enter the shop.

               The bell on the door rings as I step into the coffee shop. Its mid-Saturday, on a chilly November afternoon, so the store is relatively busy. He doesn’t notice as I walk towards the back and take a seat, not even bothering to order. I continue to watch him from afar. The memories resurface and I start to recall the entire reason why I promised myself I’d never meet him again.

               “Are you Seuljin?” a handsome boys face comes into view. “Yes” I quietly reply, blinking and looking up from the book I was studying. “I’m supposed to be your seat partner.” I look up in surprise and my face turns red in embarrassment as I start shuffling my stuff that was splayed on the empty desk next to me. “Are you a transfer?” I ask him quietly as he puts his stuff down on the newly cleared desk. “Yeah. My name is Kim Hanbin. Nice to meet you”. I looked at his nametag. ‘Kim. Han. Bin.’ ‘Kim. Han. Bin’. He stuck out his hand and looked at me pointedly. I grasped it and suddenly a flood of warmth flowed through me. I flash a small smile at him. “Nice to meet you too Hanbin-ssi”. His smile in return was blinding,  and for a moment, it took my breath away.

               It was the second year of high school, and he was the first boy in my life to make me feel that way. His smile is the same as it was before, brilliant, and breath stopping. He ruffles his hair and adjusts his cap before addressing the next customer in line. The customer was a young girl, and even from here, I could see her flirting with Hanbin. A frown slightly appears on my face as I watch her hair twirl around her fingers.  The frown turns into a scowl when I see Hanbin treat her in a friendly way. Of course, I was used to the attention he would get, but that could never truly take away my jealousy.

               “Good morning Seuljin” Hanbin said as he took a seat next to mine. I looked up from my studying and greeted him with a soft good morning as well, my heartrate starting to rise. From the corner of my eye, I watched as his perfect form lean back into the chair. He started waving to the girls that were crowded at the classroom door. “Hanbin, calm your fan girls.” I say quietly as he winks at one particularly pretty girl. I roll my eyes at his gesture as he looks over at me with a smirk. “Seuljin-ah you’re just jealous” Hanbin said to me. “You know, it’s amazing how I’ve only been at this school for 3 months and I already have a fanbase.” I shake my head in disappointment “Don’t get too cocky” I say, “im not part of that club.” Hanbin pretends to look hurt. “You’re not my fan?” He asks in a joking manner. I smirk at his acting, his pout making my heart skip a beat. “You’re just my friend Hanbin-ah”. Hanbin smiles, and my breath stops again. He ruffles my hair good naturedly, and I feel like electricity has shot through my body. “That’s good enough for me”. I can’t help but smile back, and suddenly, my day became a whole lot better.

               Even back then, girls fell at his feet, and it didn’t help that I was also developing feelings for him. The way that he talked, the way that he held himself – he was smart, charming, kind, and handsome all at the same time. I hated the fact that my heart pounded every time he sat down next to me. I hated the fact that his smile would make me dizzy. I hated the fact that his voice took over my daydreams. Most importantly, I hated the fact that I couldn’t stop myself from feeling these emotions.

               I take out a book and pretend that I’m reading when in reality, I’m watching Hanbin make a caramel macchiato for the pretty customer. I want to take that caramel macchiato, but I resist, knowing that showing myself to him would not be the best idea in the world. Both for his sake and my own. Instead, I bury myself into the book I had brought, not really concentrating on the words on the page, my mind wandering.

               “Boo!” Hanbins voice resonates softly in my ears. “Why are you always reading books?” Hanbin asked as he snatched my book out of my face. I jump in surprise and my face flushes slightly red. “yah! Don’t scare me like that!” “Hmm… The love life of Kim So Jinn.” He says, reading the title. “Give it back!” I say, but he puts the book just out of my reach and starts teasing me. “So you like romance novels huh?” Hanbin asks. My face flushes redder and I motion for him to return my book. He hands it back to me but not without studying me briefly. I flip open to the page I was reading and try to ignore his curious eyes. “What do you want Hanbin?” I ask in a calm and steady voice. I had gotten used to what kind of feelings he gave me and I willed my heart to stop pounding so hard. What he said next I didn’t expect.  “What kind of romance story do you want?” Hanbin asks in a low voice. I shrug, and briefly meet his eyes before looking down again. “I don’t know, maybe I want a happy one?” I reply in a steady voice. Hanbin shakes his head, but I see him smiling. “What a romantic” Hanbin says, laughing. I can’t help but grin at his laughing face. “Tell me then, what kind of romance story do you prefer?” I ask. Hanbin thinks for a moment. He looks at me and my heart skips two beats. He thinks for a moment before answering. “One where I feel alive.” He says finally. The younger version of me looks at him confused, and he just ruffles my hair again.

               Smiling at the memory, I put my book down and begin writing. A love story. One in which people feel alive.  I snatch a look at Hanbin as he takes the next customers order with courtesy, and the line starts to dwindle as the rush of people coming off work slows down. He looks tired and worn out, even though it was only halfway through the shift. A pang of sympathy and longing goes through me and I almost get up and step into the line to cheer him up when I remember what he had said.

               “What I hate most is meeting someone I never want to see again.” He had been talking to a girl a minute before and he didn’t look happy about the reconnaissance. “Who is she? Your ex?” I asked in a quiet voice as we started walking in the opposite direction. “Yeah something like that, I told her I never wanted to see her again and now she’s followed me to school.” He said, his voice dripping with annoyance and a touch of pain. “Oh wow…” we sit in silence, a thousand thoughts running through my mind.

“Is it ok if I ask what happened?” I asked him. A long silence followed as he looked off into the distance. I scuffle my shoes on the pavement, making noise to fill the emptiness. It feels like an eternity when he finally responds. “You don’t want to know” Hanbin said softly. He looks me in the eye, and his gaze tells me something different. He looks at my face and his is filled with guilt, grief, and pain. At that moment, I nodded not wanting to press the matter further, knowing that I wouldn’t like what I would hear.

               I should have asked him what happened with his ex, because that was the first sign that our relationship would go downhill. The first of the secrets, the first of the insecurities, the first of the doubts all started from that moment even though we weren’t even dating. I shake my head at the memory and return to the task at hand. I didn’t even bother to glance over at Hanbin because I know my heart will start to beat again. I pick up a pen and start writing the love story, feeling the words flow out of my hand and onto the paper. I wanted to be a writer. I still want to be a writer. But I had to face my past before I could do so.

               “Hey!” I exclaim as Hanbin snatched my notebook out of my hand. It was full of odd short stories that I never finished, with his name doodled all over it. “What are you writing about?” He says with a silly smile on his face. “It’s none of your business! I want to be a writer!” I exclaim, jumping up and down as Hanbin held the book over my head. He jumps onto a bench nearby and starts flipping through the pages until he stops at the page where I drew something. My heart drops to the bottom of my stomach as he reads the page out loud. “Hanbin plus Seuljin equals heart.”

               It was as if time had stopped. He looks at me in a mischievous way and I look down, blushing. He takes the pen from my hand and writes something next to it. He ruffles my hair and walks away, leaving me red-faced and dizzy, heart beating a million miles a minute. Carefully, I flip to the page he was on, holding my breath. In a messy scrawl, his words were on the paper, clear as day. “How about you go out with me Seuljin?” A giant smile spreads across my face and I turn towards his retreating body on the field. “YES!!!” I shout, my heart filling with joy. My phone buzzes and I get a text. “Let’s have a date tomorrow. -Hanbin”

               My phone buzzes, bringing me back to reality. It’s nearly 8 and I should be getting home. The text from my roommate clearly shows that she’s worried. “Its ok, I’m going to be late today” I text back. I put my phone down and continue my love story, adding twists and turns, making the relationship alive. I look at Hanbin and he looks tired, obviously worn out from the long shift. That face was one I’d seen way too often, one that replaced the happy ones in his younger days.

               “I’m home!” Hanbin calls through the front door at 1AM. I stumble out into the foyer to greet him, tired and worried. “Where were you?” I ask as he kicks off his shoes. “If you’re going to be late at least text me!” He rolls his eyes, waving away my helping hands and taking off his coat by himself. He’s covered and sweat and smells like alcohol. “Hanbin, did you go to a club?” I say incredulously. He ignores me as he heads into the kitchen and grabs a cup of water. I follow him and lean against the door to the kitchen. “Hanbin, what’s going on?” He ignores me again and shoulders me out of the way. I watch him grab some of his clothes from our room and slams to door to the guest room. I let out a sigh as I feel the weight of my worries and our relationship sink on my shoulders. I lean against his door and let the waves of anxiety bear down on me and let my tears fall freely.

               I should have known that our happy days wouldn’t last. That I should cherish them.

               “You’re Hanbin’s girlfriend right?” A girl says to me at a party. “Yea, we’ve been dating for two years.” I say to her with a small smile on my face. “Be wary. Hanbins a player and he likes to fool around.” The girl says to me. “My friend’s heart got broken because of him.” I smile and laugh. “Hanbin’s changed” I tell her with a smile “I don’t think he would ever lie to me.” The girl raises her eyebrows and walks away while Hanbin comes to my view and slips his hands around my waist.

               I give him a small peck and he smiles down at me. He takes my hands into his with a smile and laces his fingers around mine. I love how our fingers mesh perfectly together. “Dance with me.” He says, and my heart melts as it did the first time I heard his voice. We sway together in the center of the room, lost in our own world. His arm was wrapped tightly around my waist, the other, entwined with my hand. My forehead rested on his chest and I could feel his chin dipping into my shoulder. It was comfortable and it was bliss, and all the warnings thrown my way were discarded by the look in his eyes and his scent.

               Sometimes I think that if I’d taken more chances to know him better and to understand him better, things would have been different.

               “YAH!” I yell as he chases me around the school parking lot. We were both in our uniforms and we were the last ones at school. “Come back here!” His face was full of smiles and I was nearly dying from laughing. I have his cap and his diploma and when he catches me, I try to keep it out of his grasp. We had only been dating for 3 months back then but the look in his eyes told me that high school graduation meant a lot to him.

                “Have you decided if you’re going to college or not?” I ask as we stroll around the track, our graduation gowns in our arms. “No, I think I’m going to have to go straight to work.” He says, and I can sense a bit of disappointment in his voice. “I can’t afford college.” Hanbin says after a short pause. “I have to support my family.” I nod and then speak in a small voice. “I didn’t see your parents here today, are they busy?” I ask. He stops walking and I hear him breathe a sigh. “It’s complicated.” He says and from the tone of his voice I know he doesn’t want to discuss it further. “Okay. I won’t ask” I tell him. He smiles at me and I beam back at him, his smile making my day one hundred times better. “Speaking of parents, yours seem pretty cool.” I scoff and roll my eyes. “Half the time all they do is yell at me!” I say with a huff. He chuckles and ruffles my hair. “Oh so is that why you always yell at me?” He asks in a teasing manner. “Yah! You know I don’t mean it!” I say. He elbows me and I elbow him back. “Are you suree?” Hanbin teases. “I’m positive!” I say while running away from his elbowing. He chases after me and we fall onto the turf laughing and giggling, giddy from the freedom after high school. He rolls over and sits up so he is hovering on top of me. The look in his eyes is one of deep love, desperation, and regret? He bends down, and we share our first kiss, my very first kiss, and I feel the butterflies in my stomach explode. His lips are warm and soft, like his hands, making me feel safe, secure, and most importantly loved.

               The giggle of young high schoolers on a girl’s night out pulls me out of the memories and I watch with annoyance as they all flirt with Hanbin. He smiles back, immediately brightening up with the pretty girls and my heart flutters again at his expression. A part of me wishes that smile was meant for me and only for me. Seeing his smile in this setting made me realize how crazy and head over heels I was for him, how willing I was to overlook his mistakes.

               “Baby, I’m sorry, it won’t happen again.” It was the fifth time he said these words and I had believed him again. I was lulled by his calm but raspy voice, the warmth of his embrace, and his scent, tinged with alcohol and something floral I couldn’t place. I knew very well that he would go to a bar with another girl again. I knew very well he would have with another woman again. I knew very well he was going to throw things at me the next night. I knew all of his mistakes and yet I knew I would forgive him. “I know.” I mumble, my broken heart unable to say the right words. I sense him smile before I fall asleep, with a tear trickling out of my eye.

               Its 9:45 PM. Hanbin is eyeing me from a corner and I hide my face behind my books. “Café is going to close in 15 minutes!” I hear him clean more tables near me as I put on a hoodie and pack my things. The last people are trickling out of the café and I’m the last one to go. I deliberately take slow steps as Hanbin retreats back behind the counter and busies himself with cleanup and close shop. I don’t want to leave because I want to stay in the warm café but mostly because I want a last glimpse of Hanbin before I walk out the door. I’m not sure if I’m coming back. Just as I pull open the handle, I hear someone’s voice call out to me over the bell. “Hey wait!” I freeze and turn around, not believing that Hanbin called out to me. “Here” he states simply, handing a hot beverage to me. “Your favorite.” Speechless, I keep my face clear and take the drink. “It’s great seeing you here.” Hanbin says sheepishly as I get a good look at his haggard face. The bags under his eyes are dark and his youthful charm has been replaced by the face of a man who has known hard work. “How have you been?” I ask in a quiet voice. He shrugs. “I get by, I’m doing well.”

“Your mother?”

“Passed away”

“I’m sorry”

“No need to be.”

“Your father?”

“Better.”

“Still alcoholic?”

“Yeah”

“Your sister?”

“In high school”

“Is she doing well?”

“Ten times better than I ever did.” I let out a curt laugh.

“Will I see you around?” Hanbin asks. “Maybe.” I say, and his small smile makes my heart flutter yet again. It was the most genuine smile I had seen on his face since I’ve known him. “Come by and say hi.”

I turn around but stop in my tracks.

“Hanbin?” I have to know.

“Yeah?”

“Did you ever really love me?”

“I do.”

“Really?”

He motions to the cup in my hand. “Drink it and you’ll find out”

I nod and turn back to the open door and step out into the chilly night air.

I take a sip. Green Tea.

               “Jagi, what do you want?” Hanbin asks hand in mine. It’s our second anniversary and we were spending the day together. “Hmmm… I don’t know” I say, swinging our arms. “I’m getting iced coffee.” He says after a couple seconds. “I’ll get a green tea latte.” I say. Hanbin smiles and pays for our drinks and we sit down and wait for our order. He looks divine in the morning sunlight and absentmindedly I reach over to sweep his hair out of his face. His hand grasps mine before it touches his forehead and he looks at me with an odd smile. “Your hair was blocking your eyes.” I tell him before he has a chance to ask. Hanbin rolls his eyes, sticks out his tongue, and ruffles my hair and gets up to get our drinks. We decide to stroll around while sipping them instead of sitting in the café.

               We near a playground and like the 5 year old kids we were, we run to it, throwing our finished drinks in a nearby trashcan. We both go for the swings and have a competition to see who can swing higher. “Hanbin, I dare you to let go!” I yell. “I’ll let go if you do!” He shouts back. ‘Fine! When you reach the highest point in your swing, jump off!” I close my eyes and I let go, letting the sensation of flying take over me before I hit the ground. I look at Hanbin who is squatting next to me and he has the largest smile on his face. I can’t help but smile as well and we both get up and dust off our clothes. We walk around before we find a set of telephone poles. Hanbin runs around and finds the other end of the pole.

               “Can you hear me?!” Hanbin calls out. “Yeah, can you?” I yell back. “Me too!” We giggle at how weird our voices sound before Hanbin speaks up. “Hey Seuljin, I have to tell you something.” “Yeah?” I reply. “I’m only going to say this once, so listen closely.” “Mhmm” I say, waiting for him to continue.

               “All my life, I’ve been rather lost with myself. I didn’t know who I wanted to be, I didn’t know what I wanted to do. But after being with you, those insecurities and uncertainties melted away. You made me really think about who I was, you made me consider who I wanted to be, and you gave me a completely different perspective on my life. I just wanted to say thank you, and that I love you, from the most sincere part of my heart.”

               His words made me smile and my knees go weak, because for me it was the same. He brought order to my chaos, he wiped away my fears. He was my home and my source of comfort. “All I can say is, thank you for becoming part of my life, Hanbin. I love you too”

               The memory puts a smile on my face and brings tears to my eyes. I wish I could be as happy as I was that day.

               I’d promised myself never to meet him again, but I think the promise was meant to be broken.  I take out my phone and press the number I promised myself never to call all those years ago.

“Hello?” Hanbin’s voice is the same as I remember it.

“I remember. The drink.” Hanbin stays silent but I hear him breathing. “I just want you to know, I forgive you.”

I hear a small sigh of relief from the other line, and when Hanbin replies his voice is full of gratitude.

“Thank you, Seuljin.”