000.

My name is Hansol. That's what my mommy used to called me. But that doesn't matter anymore. She's gone to heaven they said. I don't know what heaven was, though. I wish I knew because it seems like a nice place since mommy wants to leave me in order to go to heaven. I wish I could come with her too.

But of course I couldn't.

I am a stupid kid. I couldn’t even walk properly. With my two legs. I couldn’t even feel it. it just…there. Unmoving.

Once I asked mommy why I couldn’t walk while other kids can. And she always said that I was unplanned. I didn’t know what it means. But it sounded bad. Yet, I don’t want to make Mommy upset.

So I just stay quiet.

As always.

***

A weird looking man dropped me off at a nice looking house one day, three days after my mommy went to heaven. 'You live with your dad now.' that's what he said. I was happy. I could finally see my daddy. My mommy never told me anything about my daddy. 'He's gone.' That's what she always said and I wonder why would mommy lied about daddy.

But daddy was scary. He never smiles. Not when he sees me the first time, not when I eat dinner with him, and definitely not when he knows that mommy died so that I have to live with him from now on.

The dinner was scary. Daddy has a family, so I have another mommy and two older brothers. They did not smile at the dinner, nor did they talk. They just look at me. Probably wondering what I am doing in their house.

My new mommy looked mad for some reason. She glared at me a lot. Her eyes were teary and I looked down. I must have make her sad. I'm sorry mommy.

She then abruptly get up from her chair and leave the dining room. One of my new brothers followed her. My dad stayed there and he looked mad. I'm scared. I don't want daddy to hate me.

'This is your ing fault. You ruined my family!" he yelled before leave the dining room as well. I flinched silently. I'm sorry daddy. I didn't mean to ruin your family. Maybe mommy's right. Maybe because I'm too stupid. Maybe that's why daddy was angry. Maybe that's why mommy left me.

'Don't cry. Big boys don't cry.'

That was the first thing that Jisoo hyung said to me. He used his handkerchief to wipe my tears and gave it to me. I was confused. I thought he hated me for ruining his family.

'Don't worry. It's not your fault.' he said and for the first time, I saw him smile. It was nice and I feel all warm inside. And somehow I hope that I could get daddy and my new mommy to smile too.

***

It was February and my birthday is coming up. I am turning five this year. But it doesn't matter anymore. That's what my Daddy said. 'That's what everyone said.' said Daddy. He didn't even look at me. He never does.

But Everyone seemed busy though. They decorate the house with balloons and confetti. They even baked cake. It almost feel like someone is having a birthday party soon. I couldn't help but feel excited. I never been to a brithday party before. I have no friends and no one want to play with me because I am too stupid.

'It's Seokmin's birthday on the 18th.' Jisoo hyung had said.

 Oh. I looked down. It is my birthday as well.

'When is yours, hansolie?'

'Mine's too. on the 18th of the February.' I had said.

Jisoo hyung had jumped off the bed. 'Then we should celebrate it too! Then we can have double parties!' he exclaimed excitedly and before I can even say a word, he bolted out of our shared room.

I was confused. Why would anybody want to celebrate it? My mommy used to cry on my birthday and everytime I ask her why, she would always scream and tell me to leave her alone. I wondered why. I didn't dare to ask.

Everything was so different here. Jisoo hyung said that they celebrate each family members' birthday each year. They would have cakes, parties, invite friends over, and there will be a lot of presents. It seemed nice. I wonder how it felt to be able to celebrate your birthday each year.

That night I dreamed of teddy bears and birthday cakes.

***

It was the 18th of February now and my new mommy locked me up in the attic.

'Don't you dare making any noises, understand?' she said, and I nodded quickly. I didn't know why she lock me up but I didn't want to ask. I didn't want to make my new mommy sad.

For hours, I sat there alone in the dark.

Happy birthday to me

Happy sad day for me

I hug my knees tighter as I could feel my tears gathered at the corner of my eyes. I miss mommy.

Why you're still alive, hansollie

Happy birthday to me......

I must have fell asleep because when I wake up, I saw Jisoo hyung entered the room silently while holding a piece of cake.

'Happy birthday, Hansolie!'

It was the happiest moment of my life because for the first time, somebody was happy that I was born. I hugged my hyung so tight and cried. I miss mommy so much but at the same time I was happy. Somebody finally want me.

'Blow the candle, hansollie! Make a wish!' Jisoo hyung had said and I closed my eyes before blowing the candle.

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