“Awww, ahjumma, pleaseee,” Taehyung whined as he stood at the front of the dukbokki stand. He was right in the middle of trying to get food, but the ahjumma and her friends refused to let him leave unless he heard them out.

“Oh, come on, just go on one date,” Ahjumma Choi tried to persuade him, “I heard he’s tall and handsome and he’s single!”

“Ahjumma!” Taehyung stomped his foot like a little kid, “I don’t know this guy! How can I go out on a date with him?”

“He’s right!” Another ahjumma at a nearby food stand piped in, “I heard that guy’s a lunatic! Downright crazy!”

Well, I don’t know if I can take your word for it, Taehyung thinks to himself, everyone calls me crazy too.

“I don’t know Ahjumma,” Taehyung sighs, running his hand through his brown hair, “I’ll have to see but can I please just have my dukbokki now?”

“Aish, you need to get back out there, Taehyung! This guy is perfect!” the ahjumma starts again, “he’s the youngest son of the Jung family. Honestly, it’s not going to get any better than that, especially not for a widower---”

“Yah, Soo Jung!” the other ahjumma, Ahjumma Lee calls out, “You can’t just bring that up like it’s nothing! Look at the poor boy!”

Taehyung tries to glance away from the ahjumma’s in front of him. The ahjumma’s words were like ice in his veins. He didn’t come here to get lectured by ahjumma’s on subjects they knew nothing about. He came here to get food and then he was going to go visit Jungkook.

“Aigoo,” Ahjumma Choi coos, her voice dripping with pity, “I’m sorry, Taehyung-ah, I should learn to keep my mouth shut.”

Taehyung doesn’t say anything but nods his head to show that he thought nothing of it. Although it was a total lie. Ahjumma Choi hands him the two styrofoam containers filled with dukbokki.

“Here you go, Taehyung-ah,” the ahjumma says, “and just...promise me you’ll think about the date?”

Taehyung wants to scream in her face. He wants to shout at the top of his lungs to the entire world that no, he will not think about a date. But he nods anyway, bowing a whole 90 degrees as he finally turns and walks away from the dukbokki stand.

“Aigoo,” Ahjumma Choi says as she watches Taehyung’s retreating back, “It’s so unfortunate to lose one’s husband so early in life.”

“You wouldn’t know because your husband’s still alive,” Ahjumma Lee scolds, “but some of us can’t just move on after such a loss.”

Ahjumma Lee watches Taehyung as he disappears around the corner.

“Sometimes there’s no coming back from that.”

******************

Taehyung made his way down the streets as he held his boxes of dukbokki, one in each hand. The sun was shining today and the wind was blowing. People that walked by him looked happy and carefree and Taehyung, not unlike every other day, wished he could join them.

But he knew that would mean giving up something else that was much more precious to him. He was not about to do that. Taehyung continued to walk until he finally reached the large metal gates that led into the large park-like area.

This was one of the only cemeteries they had in this part of Seoul. There was not a lot of space in this city so usually people were cremated but Taehyung had refused. Instead he payed the extra money and arranged for a plot in the cemetery.

He walked past rows and rows of concrete stones and the mourners sitting in front of them. He walked all the way until he was on the complete other side of the cemetery from where he entered. This was one of the most secluded spots in all of the cemetery. It was ideal for Taehyung except for one tiny detail.

It was right next to an iron fence that lead out right onto a road. A busy road where many cars drove and people walked by. It was usually noisy during all times of the day, except for in the early afternoon when everyone was still at work or in school and very late at night when the cemetery wasn’t even supposed to be open, but Taehyung still scaled the fence and jumped in anyway.

Now it was quiet and Taehyung was grateful. He didn’t want to have random passerby’s glancing at him and giving him weird looks. This was a private conversation. Meant for nobody else's ears except Jungkook’s.

Taehyung walked over to where Jungkook was. He placed the box of dukbokki on top and then sat down on the small concrete bench that was right in front of it. A large tree hung overhead creating shade for Taehyung and Jungkook as they talked.

“Hi, Kookie,” Taehyung spoke suddenly, “I brought you your favorite today, dukbokki from Ahjumma Choi’s place.”

Taehyung opened his own box and started spearing at the spicy red sauce covered rice cakes. He chewed for a little bit.

“She said the most absurd thing today, you’re never gonna believe it,” Taehyung chuckled almost spitting out the dukbokki onto the grass, “she suggested I  go out on a date with Jung Hoseok. That’s right, that Jung Hoseok. The crazy one.”

The wind blew through Taehyung’s hair as he paused yet again to shovel a mouth full of dukbokki into his mouth.

“Can you believe that?” Taehyung asks, “Like I would ever go out on a date!”

Taehyung placed the dukbokki case down on the side of the bench that was currently unoccupied. He linked his hands together and looked down at them. He fiddled with the ring on his finger. The metal slid forward for a moment before Taehyung pulled it back firmly onto the hilt of his finger that connected to his hand.

“I’m a married man for crying out loud,” Taehyung mumbled. He glanced up yet again at the headstone in front of him.

In Loving Memory of

Jeon Jungkook

1997-2025

Caring Son. Amazing friend. Beloved husband.

Day by Day, We carry you in our souls.

Taehyung brushes a tear away from his eye. He shakes his head, reminding himself that he is not supposed to cry in front of Jungkook. The younger boy hated to see Taehyung cry, he had told him multiple times over the years. Instead, he smiles at the image in front of him.

“Kookie, guess what?” Taehyung starts, trying to change the subject, “I finally finished moving into that apartment we were looking at! You remember, the one closer to the studio?”

“I figured it was summertime, so I might as well, right?” Taehyung continues, “now we won’t have to pay that neighbor boy to shovel snow and leaves from in front of our old place.”

At least that was the reason Taehyung would let Jungkook believe as to why he moved. In all honesty, Taehyung just couldn’t stay in their old place anymore. There were too many memories there. Too many ghosts. But it wasn’t like this new place didn’t come with it’s own set of nightmares. In fact, it was probably worse. Jungkook had loved that place to death and they had slowly been moving their stuff in all of last year...that was until they couldn’t anymore.

“Ah,” Taehyung stops this train of thought immediately. He didn’t want Jungkook to know he was thinking this way, “I’m probably going on and on again!”

Taehyung glances back down at the ground, no longer finding the strength inside him to stare at the gravestone anymore.

“It seems I’m doing more of that these days,” Taehyung finally mumbles as he stands up again.

“Enjoy your dokbokki ok, Kookie?” Taehyung says with a smile again, “I’ll be back tomorrow.”

As Taehyung walks out of the cemetery like he did every day, he felt the same familiar wave of pain hit him and knock the breath out of him.

Rapid tears fell out of his eyes as he slowly walked home. Every single day he did this. He would buy food, bring it to Jungkook’s grave and talk until all hours of the day. Sometimes he would do it at night, but he had more free time on his hands nowadays. And every single time, once he left the cemetery and ventured farther away from Jungkook, his heart broke all over again, just like the first time and he cried until he reached their home.

That wasn’t to say the tears didn’t stop there. Oh no, when he got home, if anything, it got worse.

Taehyung had packed up and brought all of his stuff over to the apartment but before he moved in Jungkook had already had a lot of his stuff already there. He had wanted to move for work but Taehyung had his own that he had to stay behind for until he could wrap it up and join Jungkook out here. The apartments weren’t very far away from each other but the distance was still so agonizing that more often times than not Taehyung would just throw caution to the wind and stay with Jungkook in their new apartment.

That meant that everything Jungkook owned was still there, sitting in this apartment, taunting him with the visions of the past. Jungkook’s clothes were still in the closet, exactly where he had left them. His shoes were still in the doorway, the same place Jungkook had kicked them off. His jacket still lay on the backboard of the couch from where Jungkook had thrown it.

Everything was still here. Taehyung didn’t dare touch a thing. He knew as soon as he did, he would feel the aura Jungkook left behind and he would be bombarded with memories and feelings he just couldn’t handle right now.

Taehyung was so tired. His eyes must be permanently swollen from all the crying he had done this past year. That’s right, it had been almost a full year since Jungkook left and Taehyung could still not bring himself to get over it.

How could he when every time his mind wandered, it always found its way to Jungkook?

So Taehyung instead went to the bedroom. He passed by the bed where he sees a memory of Jungkook sleeping peacefully and he entered the closet where he sees a memory of Jungkook arguing playfully with him about what to wear for his upcoming dance competition.

Taehyung stripped his shirt off and grabbed the first t-shirt he found on the hangers. It was the shirt Taehyung had given Jungkook for his 25th birthday. They had been together for five years by that time and by the next year, they would be married. But on Jungkook’s twenty fifth birthday, Taehyung bought him a shirt that Jungkook had been eyeing for months. Every time they passed by the shop that sold it, Jungkook would stop for at least five minutes to stare at it.

They were low on money from renting two apartments so Jungkook couldn’t just up and buy it, but Taehyung had secretly taken up another secret job in the mean time that Jungkook knew nothing about. Taehyung was saving up to buy the shirt and give it to Jungkook as a birthday present.

It was a black shirt with the words Need New Haters, The Old Ones Are Starting to Like Me...written in white and red on the front. Those were Jungkook’s favorite colors and the saying made Jungkook crack up whenever he saw it. Taehyung laughed too. It was funny and Taehyung liked seeing Jungkook smile.

Taehyung clutched it to his chest as he sunk down onto the ground inside Jungkook’s closet. He crawled over to the wall and sat up on it. He stared at the shirt in his hand, reading the saying over and over again. Taehyung started to laugh. He laughed because he remembered the look on Jungkook’s face when he opened his present and saw the shirt laying there in the box. Jungkook had looked so dumbstruck, like he was surprised Taehyung had known he wanted it.

Taehyung laughed because of the fit Jungkook threw afterwards, jumping up and down crazily, like a monkey, clutching the shirt to his chest. He ran around to all their friends who had showed up, shoving the shirt in their faces and going on and on about how this was the best gift ever and that he had the best boyfriend ever. He kept on shrieking that they could it at the top of his lungs.

The whole entire scene was so funny and  Taehyung couldn’t help but laugh hysterically at the sight. The younger was an adult now but he still acted like an excited little baby bunny. Taehyung couldn’t stop the laughter that escaped his lips. He closed his eyes and clutched the shirt to his chest as he leaned against the wall in Jungkook’s closet.

He laughed and laughed until the laughter dissolved into sobs. Taehyung screamed as he hugged the shirt to his heart as tightly as he could. Fat tears rolled down his face and Taehyung could feel his head throbbing but he just couldn’t stop. His entire being hurt so badly. With his eyes closed, he couldn’t stop thinking about every image of a happy Jungkook he had ever witnessed.

Taehyung remembered every time Jungkook had come to pick him up from work. He stood outside in the rain with his large oversized umbrella waiting for Taehyung to walk out and run over to him. No matter how many times Taehyung had told him he could walk home on his own ,the younger still absolutely insisted on walking together. The younger would wrap his free arm around him and kiss him deeply, just like he did the first time they ever kissed. Every time it made Taehyung’s toes curl and his heart soar. Taehyung loved the boy in his arms so much and he thanked his lucky stars everyday that he had the chance to love someone this much.

Now, the only thing he had was memories. Memories that were slowly becoming tainted, drifting from happiness and joy to pain and hurt. Taehyung never pictured every minute of his life going by without the younger there with him. Every single second without Jungkook in it, made Taehyung wish that Jungkook had taken him with him. Taehyung didn’t want to be here without Jungkook. For weeks on end after Jungkook had first left, Taehyung would whisper to himself over and over again. Don’t go without me. Jungkook had left so fast that Taehyung didn’t even have a chance to say goodbye.

But Taehyung could still see him. He could see Jungkook standing there, watching him and following him as the days dragged on, molding into each other. It felt like he was losing touch with reality. Taehyung didn’t talk to anyone anymore. His own family was gone, and now the person he loved most in this world was gone as well. He hadn’t talked to his friends since the funeral and he couldn’t bear to see the hurt in their eyes if they ever saw Taehyung again. He wished that god would just give him a single moment of peace. A single moment where he wasn’t constantly thinking about Jungkook and the life they used to have.

Taehyung couldn’t help but think that was the reason. Jungkook was always the reason. Taehyung knew that if he had never seen Jungkook’s face in the first place, if they had never gotten to know each other and fall in love, then Taehyung wouldn’t be here right now. He wouldn’t be in Jungkook’s closet wailing at the top of his lungs and wishing that for just one second, Jungkook would come back.

Taehyung knew that if it weren’t for Jungkook, he probably wouldn’t be this way.

To be continued…