Dear Hyukjae,

Let me start this letter by apologizing to you.  Sorry for being a these past few weeks.  Sorry If it seems that I don’t wanna be near you, nor do I wanna talk to you.  It’s such a cliché to say that it has nothing to do with you and it’s all about me.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. We’ve been together almost every day since we started doing SS6 and D&E 2^nd tour.  Believe me, those are the best days of my life.  Regardless of how tired our bodies, at the end of the day, I still get to spend my nights with you.  I treasure the many trips we have abroad, those few hours on the plane, just us being quiet, without a care in the world.  Those are the moments that I feel like we’re not someone from Super Junior, just you and me, just plain Donghae and Hyukjae.

Yeah, Donghae and Hyukjae… what a silly thought, right?  And damn it! It makes me crave for normalcy more than ever.  I cant stand the fact that I have to go on concerts, pretending that everything we do is fan service. I feel like why do I have to lie when I really want to hug you? Why can’t they see that I really get jealous when you’re with Siwon or Heenim?  I do wanna please the fans, but it breaks my heart that people think what I feel for you is nothing but a show. 

I do appreciate Yesung hyung being around.  He lets me wallow in my misery without anyone noticing it.  He is my distraction while I self-distruct.  I thank Heechul hyung too because I can see that you two are getting along fine.  I miss hanging out with you.  Believe me when I say that there’s not a day that I don’t think about you or hug you, or cuddle, or be silly.  I really miss being with you.

However, I can’t… I don’t know why. It’s stupid really, because you never demanded anything from me.  You said that whatever it is that we have is special.  No need for labels, and no need for other people to understand it.  And I thought I’d be ok with that, and really, I was…I still am… but, how long will this last?  How long will I be able to hug you in front of the camera and in front of screaming fans, without crying because it’s just too much?  It’s not really about the lies… it’s just the whole ing situation we’re in.

And we’re leaving soon for our military service.  Am I gonna last without seeing your face for 2 years?  I know it’s so childish of me… but what if we both realize that we wanted different things after 2 years? I’m not doubting my love for you, neither yours… but these are legit thoughts.  Questions that I know that if I ask you know, and whatever answer you’ll give me won’t be enough.  Because honestly, nothing will be enough for me right now.

It’s not enough that you’re just a few feet away from me and smiling while looking at something in your phone.  It’s not enough that sooner or later, I wont get to see your smile, smell your perfume, or punch you when you don’t answer when I’m literally shouting at you. It won’t be enough how many I Love Yous you tell me…because I can’t seem to find it in my heart and mind that what we have is more than enough to cover all my insecurities and doubt.

I admire you for being patient with me.  I love you so much for not giving up on me.  I love you more today than yesterday and probably more tomorrow.  My love for you is slowly killing me.  I’m reduced to the fact that my life is really all about you.  I just wanna explode…

See, this is why I cant face you right now.  BKK is a mistake.  I let my guard down and looked where it got me.  Im back to craving reality by living it in a make-believe world.  When I said “Duet” and pointed you as D…it wasn’t a mistake… You are D&E, rolled into one.  I won’t be the Super Junior Donghae without Hyukjae.  I can sing and dance, I know that… but it wouldn’t be the same without you.  You make the Super Junior Donghae alive. 

I love you… That hasn’t change.  I need you, more than ever… But give me this space… Let me sort out all my insecurities, my doubts and everything else in between.  I just need to find myself…I just need to be able to know that I’ll be ok… that we’ll be ok…

I miss you… Please be with me, no matter what.  When I go to bed, please wait till I go to sleep, then kiss me goodnight.  I miss that… If you can stay with me till morning, please do so too.  If you see tear marks in my face, wipe them gently… Hold me, just like before… never let go of me… My mind may be stubborn, but I know what I want… and it’s you… always been you…

I love you till eternity,

Haek