to the man who stole my heart, i loved you very much.

it's been awhile, i guess. i really don't know what to write in here since i'm not good at words, but i want to express myself by writing this letter for you. i've written a lot for you, but i have no plans of letting you read them. i'd rather let everyone read than for you to actually see this letter. coward as you may think, but i have always been like that. 

you came like a hurricane in my life. i was a mess, and you were too. we were both damned. i was a depressed kid, who always thought that she wasn't enough and that dying would be the only option. while you were the boy who wanted freedom, thinking that you've been encased in a cage for too long. i stopped caring about life, and so did you. that is probably one of the reasons why we suddenly clicked with each other even though we've been classmates for years.

we've had our common likes: we both like to eat, we both like snsd and kpop (even though your bias is jessica, and mine is yoona), we both liked literatures, we both liked the songs of the vamps, we both liked fairy tail, and so and so forth. we've had the same interests, and we talked about a lot of things. the day came when you suddenly started texting me, and soon, i always looked forward to replying to your messages. but of course, as individuals, we're both polar opposites. i liked to talk, but you liked to listen. i am so conscious of time, but you are not. they say opposites attract, but i guess, not in our case.

i liked talking to you. i liked how our messages would go from one topic to another, and how you'd tease me and call me funny names. i liked how you acted towards me. i liked how you'd tickle me randomly, i liked how i'd catch you looking at me during classes then make funny faces that would make me laugh secretly, i liked how you'd scribble in my notes with random writings and drawings, i liked how you'd randomly hold my hand and made me lean towards you that made me stop writing notes for our math class, and i liked how you'd talk about me to other people. i liked you. 

i liked your qualities and actions, but i loved everything about you. i loved how messed up your personality was. i loved how you'd scrunch your nose over something that you didn't like. i loved how you'd crease your forehead whenever you're solving a math problem. i loved your accent when you speak in english. i loved the way you become one with the guitar, playing melodies that would stay in my heart forever. i loved the way you make my heart flutter (i swear to god you are the only one who was able to do that to me). i loved you. 

i don't know what happened, but in a blink of an eye, you were gone (but the weight of our memories together still bring me down). i don't know why, when, or how, but you just disappeared. we were at the , but the denouement came too soon. you left me hanging. you know i liked you, and i know that you liked me too. we just needed someone to make a move forward, but neither of us did. i guess i'm also at fault because i didn't tell you what my real feeling was for you, and maybe you were at fault too for not telling me how you really feel towards me. actions speak louder than words, but in some situations, words are needed to truly explain the meaning of the actions that were done. we were all actions, that we forgot the words we should tell each other.

i have been trying to move on from you, and i guess all the hard works have been paid off. you are still in my mind constantly, but atleast i don't miss you that much anymore. i am glad that school has started because even for awhile, i forget that you just broke my heart without you knowing. i regret not telling you that i loved you very, very much, but the damage has been done. i am broken into pieces, and it is partly my fault. i wanted to go back to the time when were both good friends, and i wasn't very conscious of my actions towards you. but now, everything will never be the same anymore.

we are now studying in different universities, and i hope you are happy. i hope that you are eating and sleeping well, especially now that you're residing in a dorm. i hope that you do well in your classes, because i know that you excel in the field that you have decided to take on. always remember that i believe you'll be a successful doctor, and always remember that i am here for you. i hope that your friends inspire you to work harder, because you still have a long way to go. i hope you don't forget me though, because even in a short period of time, you made me happy. you were my sunshine, and you took me out of that dark abyss. thank you very much for making me realize that it is possible to feel special even if i am a . i hope i was an inspiration for you too, because that would be the least i could do.

so long, my first love.

from the girl who loved you secretly