Remember, new speaker, new line.
Hmm, some spelling errors.
Use the spell check next time saengie, to make sure :)

You had two "flashback" - one at the start of the flashback and another at the end of the paragraph. There is another flashback continuing after that, which doesn't really make sense if you write "flashback" after the first flashback paragraph, if you know what I'm saying. You need to read out again, and edit your work before posting to correct any grammatical errors or phrasing. Your vocabulary is great. There is just a small problem - you used the same words, "innocent" twice in a sentence. Not really proper, but there is always the thesaurus ! :)
Remember, always edit your work first.

writing*

Wow, honestly! Your one-shot here is very very well written! Though it's almost like a transcript of what the MV is about, isn't it?
Then it can't really be an inspiration, because it's just what the MV's about, isn't it?
Anyhow, we're here about writiing quality, and I'm impressed. Great job dongsaeng :)

Dongsaengie, firstly, your Foreword needs fixing up.
Don't use too much colours and your layout is a bit ... unorganised? Mian.
One way to attract subscribers is how you set out your Foreword, and yes, it requires time and dedication. If you are too lazy to work on your Foreword and would prefer to jump straight onto the story itself... it wouldn't really make sense, would it?
Keep practising on your Foreword - use fewer colours (especially neon colours and background ones...) and stick to that one/two colours. Three max.