As the guilty one, I can't speak up about how sorry I am, how concern I am and desperate I am inside for her. I've made a big, worst yet serious mistake. Which is even I can't forgive myself. So that's why I'm writing this, hoping any strangers to hear my voice and maybe, give a comfort. Because currently there is no one gives me any comfort. Not even one. I admit I need some.

So, here we go.

There is a friend, she's going to move into another school next week. So we, three of us have plan to celebrate or maybe hangout together on the weekend like we always do. I was actually so anticipate for that moment, can't wait to make a last memory with her, not until I ruined it. It's all my fault.

We live in a kinda secluded city, so there are so many people in our place drives motorcycles without wearing a helmet. Same goes as us, we go to anywhere, I mean somewhere near included our school by motorcycles except out to the highway. Without helmet. I know it's wrong and dangerous but in our place, it had been something like, tradition or or.. habit, to ride a motorcycle without worrying about safety. And actually there is so many accident happens but still, there is no death as I know.

So. We were on our way to school which is there is a traffic light. When it turns green, I made a right turn but because I didn't give a signal, my friend who was riding another motorcycle turned out to not make any turn. So she accidentally collided into my back tyre. So four of us fell badly on the ground but thankfully the road was not so busy at that time.

I felt my body rolling on the road, and I remember, I did hit my head but there was no wound to be found now. My body was hurting like hell, but I unconciously stood up and watch around. I started to walk to the side of the road with my right leg injured. It was so vague at that time.

I'm the cause of the accident but my two other friends got injured worse than me. This makes me feels worse, more guiltier. One of them, (I shall call her 'D' here) got cut under her chin. It was an inch long, and the cut was kinda deep. I started to see blood dropping from her chin, making me worried of her even I was losing my concious at that time.

My other friend, the one who wants to move school got her front tooth broken. There were so many blood coming out from and she was crying, saying her tooth got broke over and over. Seeing her, I really wanted to cry my balls out but there was no tears coming out. The accident I caused had made her tooth broke but she's going to change school. Maybe you can't understand, but to her, her visual is everything. Just imagine yourself with your front tooth got broke. How can she smiles, how can she take selfies in the future? (she's a selfie-mania) How? And I can feel she's very disappont with me.

There is one more friend. She didn't get injured so badly, she just fell on the ground right on her . She said she just can't bend her leg. Thankfully, she didn't get cut anywhere on her body.

Actually I did get injured on many parts of my body, but I think I don't have to say anything about it. Because it is just same as complaining. Well, I am complaining but at least I'm complaining about how concern I am for my friends.

This accident happened yesterday, and last night we were chatting. I apologized to them many times. But before that, I did apologize to them when we were at the clinic. Maybe we were face to face, of course they would say 'it's okay' 'it's alright' and 'we apologize you'. They must be so angry with me for being the cause of all the damages. And for all the pain they got.

D got 4 stitched on her chin, and when we were messaging, she said 'it's okay, you don't have to worry and don't be sorry'. How can I not be sorry. And of course i'm so worried for the fact how painful must it be to get stitched. Sigh.

I forgot to mention that we were chatting in a chat-group. So when the other one onlines, I asked for her condition. (the one who broke her front tooth) I asked what kind of treatment did she gets since I went home with my dad earlier than anyone else. But... She's not that pleased to answer. She just said something like 'just like that'. From there, I can see how mad she is with me. But when D asked her, I can see the difference how long her replies would be to D. So I just stay quiet, read their conversations without interfere. Until now, I can't even say anything to her nor message her because of my guilt.

Everyone else had wished her farewell, but not me. How I wish myself to be more brave and wishes her goodbye without having any guilt. But that will be rude of me, how selfish I am doing that.

I want to apologize to her until she forgives me, until she doesn't feel angry with me anymore. Unfortunately, it is impossible. 

How many years did we spend time together, laughing together, fangirling over kpop nonstop and many more. 'Will it be wasted just like that?' I thought.