I just got the news. My granny died. She just died. Like, a few hours ago. 

And the reason I'm blogging is? I don't know how else should I channel the negative energy in me now. I last saw her sixteen days ago. I last heard her voice five days ago. When I called her I never thought it would be the last time I hear her mutters. When I heard her singing the night I slept over at her house I never thought it's last time I would hear her singing lullabies. The last time I helped her to get up I never thought it would be the last time I helped her. The last drink I brought for her, I never thought it would be the last time she drink from my hands. 

Oh my god, I'm tearing up right now.

My aunts live with her and I can't imagine how they felt when they saw her lifeless. I read a lot of angst but it's nothing compared to what I feel now. I feel different, and I can't believe it. It feels like a lie, like it's all a damn lie. I can't believe that the grandmother I have been visiting once a year every year (because we live so far away >.<) is gone. I know the day would come, but couldn't believe that she has to go just a few days after calling her.

And the fact that I can't go to her funeral makes me bawl more. My mom and lil brother is leaving for the airport now, and we can't afford bringing all of us, and I have school in the 12th of Jan. To think that all of my cousin would be there tomorrow at the funeral but me and my lil sis. My older sis is already there because she studies there so it's not a problem for her. I can't attend my grandmother;s funeral, the one who had taught me how to flip eggs properly, how to take care of the flowers in my garden. 

I just can't believe it that she's gone, and I can't come to her funeral.

I'm not posting this to gain sympathy. I just need to tell somebody about it. I don't want to tell my friends about. Being sympathized just make me sadder. Posting it on a site where I'm anonymous seems like the best thing I could do. Bye guys :)