So what's this thing again? Blog? Yes. Blog it is.

So what will I leave here?

Is it okay to leave my emotions, problems and thoughts?

I shall start then.

I don't know what to expect this New Year.  It has been the 3rd of January here. I feel like I started my New Year wrong. I am always wrong in my parent's eyes. I'm still full of anxiety and depression. There is still this feeling of nervousness and fear. What can I do if you can't have someone to rely on? I feel like I wanted to cry at the same time wished that I never lived before. 

I confined myself in this dark place in our house. They opened the lights. I hate it. I hate being in my house. I never called it home. I never had a home. Here I am, surrounded by my cousins who are watching T.V. They are judging them. I hate it. I hate the fact that they are judging them. I hate it when the people judges us. And mostly, I hate it when they judge me. They probably  know nothing.

She called me. The one who sometimes I hate being with. The one who made me like this. My mother. She cares for me. She loves me. I don't know.  I know nothing about love but I know everything about affection. For once, I never felt that she had given me the affection that I want. I gave her nothing in return, instead a cold way of treating her like my own supporter. I never rely the needs of love and affection to her. I never did. 

To sum it  all up, I am still living in fear, anxiety, hate and depression. I haven't change at all. I still like it when I lock myself in a dark room. Leaving the world in it's own problem as well as leaving myself in my own problems.

I need someone.

Someone who will accompany me to walk in my journey.

Someone who will make me feel I existed. Someone who will teach me how to love.

Someone will love me for who I am.

Someone who can hold me up through all my downs that Im experiencing at this very moment.

But then again, I am living in reality. And these things can only happen in my fantasy. I wouldn't let them colide with each other. Because if I did, it will surely screw up my life.

In the midst of living,

Peejay