Hey guys,

First of all, I want to apologize for just, ranting to you before, and talking about rock bottom. But I am oh so very thankful for you guys who gave me such wonderful advice, and I wanted to give you an update on things.

So, since the break has started, my roommate went back to her aunt’s place, which is great, since I won’t be able to see her for a month.

And, I talked to a lot of friends, a whole lot, and they gave me advice. So, here’s a few things I want you to know  first:

The night when I hit rock bottom, I facebooked one of my friends because I honestly thought about hurting myself even though I knew I wasn’t going to do it. It’s one of those things, I wanted to die, but I couldn’t, because whenever I do think about my death, about killing myself, I would immediately think about people who would hurt the most. And…I started to think about my grandparents, and my parents. I started to think about how much of a failure my mother would feel—even though my mom and I don’t get along, she would hurt so much. But what would hurt the most would be seeing my grandmother cry, because she was the one that raised me.

But, I facebooked my friend (Let’s call her “V”), and we started skyping because I didn’t have my phone, and she was crying when I told her all the things I spent the previous hours thinking. But we talked, and as she was trying to stay strong in front of me, she kept on telling me about how my teachers still talk about me, how they still praise me, and how they still bring up my awkward quirks at school. She told me things, and made jokes until I laughed and until I told her I was okay.

And I thought I was…Until round two happened. Violent crying, telling myself that I hated myself, that I was useless, that I wanted to die outloud, trying to breath but I couldn’t because that’s the thing about depression, everything crashes again and again and again and again.

And then I facebooked several people, asking them to talk to me, in which many did (but I didn’t want to tell them what was wrong.) I facebooked my two friends whom I was close to because they lived nearby, but they were working, and didn’t reply until an hour later.

I was okay again, and I just, I had to breathe.

my best friend (the one who gave me the side kick speech) later replied to me (because she was at work) freaking out because I told her that I wanted to hurt myself, that I wasn’t okay, that I could barely breath because everything came crashing down so fast, because that’s how I felt. I don’t know if you guys can relate to this, but when everything crashed, I cried, and cried, and I had to talk myself out of jumping off my apartment building because everything hurt so much. She immediately was like, “I’M COMING OVER RIGHT NOW”

But I told her to come the next day, and well…She did. She drove 30 minutes for me, which is insane, and we started talking.

But before that, the next day, I thought I was okay, until my crying/sobbing spell came again. And this has happened so many times, and I didn’t know what to do other than try to tell myself, “Don’t cry, don’t cry, please don’t cry” by myself in my room, but the tears kept coming. So I called another friend who was free at that time. That friend is a guy, and he’s practically my best friend, and I feel like we would grow old together—him and his girlfriend, and me and my cat. I called him, and just started sobbing, because he’s the sane one. He knows exactly what to say and he always has a clear mind and just, he knows what to do. I was asking what I did wrong, and just, I wasn’t okay. But my guy was like, “Van, I am closer to you than I ever was with her, this will all pass. People change, and she changed for the worse.”

Then when I told him about her telling “A” (Let’s call her that, she’s the one that sided with her even though roommate hated her at the beginning) causes drama every year, and that I should ignore her—in which his girlfriend yelled, “YEAH, A’S A JERK” (Because A hurt his girlfriend in so many ways before) and he just kept on assuring me that I’m a good person, and that one day, we’ll all grow old together and just look back at this moment and say, “Yeah, they effed up a good relationship”. He then offered me to be his and his girlfriend’s roommate, in which I replied, “I don’t think I’m staying at my university.” In which, freaked him out because in high school, I was known as the girl that would succeed at uni.

But I told him something that was going to be on my mind for a while.

Later on, another friend (V) called me, and I started to talk to her. And then I suddenly told her a plan that I didn’t even think of, but that plan came out so smoothly from my lips that I couldn’t stop, and she was surprised, and she was so proud of me.

Later that night, my friend who did the sidekick speech came over (she drove 30 minutes for me, which is insane) and we started talking. I told her everything, I told her that I felt like I was being used, I felt that I was an awful person, and she just said, “Van, sometimes, we need to feel validated as a person, and that’s okay. You’re a good person, she’s not. Remember all the things you did in high school, how many underclassmen looked up to you, how much you volunteered. You’re like this because you’re a compassionate person, and it’ll be okay. Just know that you’re a good and compassionate person.”

And that night…I told her my plan.

Guys, I’m dropping out of my university.

I’m enrolling somewhere else to get a fresh start, so I’m just going to tell you why.

Ever since last year, I only go to the university that I go to now because college applications are really expensive, and I can’t afford such things to pay for it all, so I applied to one and got accepted. But in January, on portfolio day (show your art to colleges) the university that I currently go to, it didn’t impress me. They were just like, “Great job, NOW GO TO OUR UNIVERSITYYY!!!!”

While there was this university that was like, “Woah, this is amazing! You’re good at this, and what? You’re interested in this? You know, I really want you to go to our university because you have so much talent and you would go for so much cheap” and every time I went somewhere, I would just check back in, and when I was just walking somewhere, the head of the art department at their university was just like, “Van, you’re coming to our school, right?” (I was surprised he even remembered my name, because there were so many more artists!)

Not only that, but my friend (who is an atheist, this matters in my extremely long explaination) kept on talking about this school in such a light.

And the thing is, I honestly feel like God is just telling me “HEY, COME TO THIS SCHOOL ALREADY, HOW MANY MORE HINTS DO I HAVE TO GIVE YOU TO COME HERE?!”

But I’ve been debating about transferring schools for so long now, but I didn’t really have the motivation to because I had a job on campus, and all that.

And it’s weird that I’m bringing God into this, because I haven’t really been religious since my freshman year of high school. (Art school changed me for the good, because I’ve been more loving compared to my old days). And my best friend (side kick friend) was just telling me, “I haven’t been associating myself with Christian these days, but I forgot that there are some…How do I say this, liberal(?) Christians like you who actually love others and not just bash talk about them and only go to church” and I just told her my plan that I’m going to transfer universities.

I’m going to a Christian university. And I’ve been a bit nervous to go back to Christian schools because I was, in a way, bullied when I went to a Christian school in middle school. I mean, I didn’t have any friends because I would argue to the teacher that we should LOVE OTHER PEOPLE AND NOT HATE THEM BECAUSE OF WHAT THEY DON’T KNOW. And to this day, I don’t regret arguing with them.

Plus, it’s a smaller community, in which I’m used to, as while my university is like, 17,000 people and they just move us like cattle. While the Christian university is just 2,500 people.

I told my friends that I was going to get my license over the winter break, I told them that I don’t really know what I’m doing, but I had to get out of this right away, to get a fresh start. I told my friend that goes to that university to help me, and she was like, “If you don’t get your license right away, I’m willing to drive you there”.

And I really don’t think that I would’ve suddenly decided to do this if my boss wasn’t such a jerk to me the other day (he just, made me want to cry because he kept on going “Don’t waste my time, you’re wasting my time, you said you wouldn’t last time but you wasted my time” and then when I blew up, he was like, “Calm down, this is what your life is going to look like for the rest of your life once you graduate” and I just couldn’t see myself doing this for the rest of my life) and made me quit (since it’s an on campus job, I couldn’t work there if I didn’t go to said school).

Today, when I got home, I  just…I felt free. I felt like this burden that hinged itself on me for the past few months finally was lifted. And when I got home and hung out with my friends (in which have been coming practically everyday since my episode happened to make me laugh and to make sure I’m okay) and I just told them, “I feel like I’ve been crying for hours, but I haven’t” and they were confused.

But I do feel like I’ve been crying for hours. But now I just feel like there’s a relief that I’m free. I’m no longer burdened, I’m no longer in this agonizing pain.

I talked to a counselor today (for depression) and I told her all of this. She nodded, and said, “I know that I work at  the university, and I should advise people to stay, but you seem to know what you’re doing”.

And the thing is, I don’t know what I’m doing. All I know is that I’m going to a different school, that I’m going to change my life. I know that once my lease is up, I can flip off my roommate and move in with my actual friends that care for me (in which, I’ve known for 4 years now, and we all know each other’s bad habits) and that I’m going to a different university for a fresh start, and that I’ll be able to drive, and that everyone will be okay eventually. 

Maybe not now, but eventually.

And I know I will be okay eventually.

And I cannot be thankful for you guys who gave me such kind comments in my last blog posts.

Maybe I'll regain weight again because I've been losing weight at an alarming speed (I felt my hip bone, and I was scared for myself, I've also been able to fit into a size small/medium which is terrifying since I used to be a large (mainly because of my height)

And I’m not saying that going to a Christian school will solve everything, because quite frankly, it won’t. But it will give me a fresh start that I need, and boy…This weight, this pain that I’ve been feeling as of late….I can finally breathe.

I called my parents, and told them I wanted to transfer schools because I’ve been feeling sad. My mom was freaking out, asking me what was wrong and if it was because of my roommate (I didn’t tell her the roommate situation because I didn’t want her to cry knowing that I was living with such an awful person). I told her that I found myself crying often, and I was unhappy. And I could tell from her tone that she was worried that I was ually harassed again like I was in my freshman year of high school (she’s honestly the only one that knows the real reason why I changed high schools a month into my first semester) and I told her that I’ll be okay, and that I talked to a psychiatrist.

So today, I can breath.

And I’ll be okay, eventually.

And I’m just…I feel free.