I know that there is a very high chance of no one ever reading this. And this is practically nothing compared to what the others I know on here are going through. I'm only like one of those kinda 'crazy' people who just can't keep their mental state in check or what ever. But I just have to let it out before I go crazy and do something I might regret. 

I have no idea what's happening to me, but the darkness is coming back again. That rage, the want to just hurt something or someone. Small lil things will just trigger me into a fit to just scream or just punch that person or thing that had caused that trigger. You guys do not want to know the full details of what I imagine sometimes I would love to do, lets just say the sadistic part of me will revel in the blood and pain that I would inflict. I've never had it this bad before, and usuallynits just for a short span, a few days, maybe a week or two, maximum a month. But it seems that this has been a slow slow slow slow process, like the darkness is just there, waiting for the right moment to come back and make itself known.

I can't focus on anything, its been impacting my work & studies. Even my manager had pulled me aside and told me that it's not only affecting me, but the team as well. Studies wise, I practically dropped all my subjects this year. Yes, I have not even taken a paper at all this semester.

The social smoker that I am, I've picked back up the bad habit, now needing the burn of the nicotine more and more just to keep me calm. What's worrying me real bad is that, this time round, I have no bloody freaking idea what's making me this way. I have my speculations, but I doubt it is even connected to the train of thoughts I have in my mind.

I need to be away from people, away from the familiar skyscrapers that litter my entire whole country. Away from the bustling of the city. A way to calm and tame my demon once again. Cause I know if I continue to keep this rage and deatruction at bay, it'll come back to haunt me, and I do not want to go back ten years when I was in my late teens. Cause everyone knows its bad to hurt, torture and maim anyone or anything. And I do not see that rage that might be taken out on myself will ever satisfy me like it used to years ago. 

No I do not have suicide thought, and, no, not right now, do I have any thoughts to self inflict on myself any pain. Its just me having the need to want to inflict pain on others. Physical pain. Why..?? That's what been keeping me up the past few nights.

This is beyond frustrating, especially when I have to out up fake smiles and fake interest in things that makes me want to just.... 

I have no idea where my sanity has run away to, to have my demons come back again to haunt me. The only things that's, keeping me sane are reading, listening to them 6 guys, and grapple onto what ever memories I have with my nephew & niece by Skyping with them as much as I can (they have migrated to bloody Dubai & God knows when I get to meet them again)

Enough of the ranting and venting, need to put this into good use and hope I can channel it into my work, and catch up.