Okay, I've been keeping my mouth shut about this since January. And I wasn't going to say anything at all because I was afraid that no one would believe me and I was worried that I was just being paranoid. I'm still scared that no one will believe what I have to say because it just seems so impossible, and I don't want anyone to think I'm making it up or that I'm trying to appear as if I'm better than the rest of you. I'm not better than any of you. I'm someone who hates being the center of attention, so for me to come out and say this is a lot for me. At first I thought I was crazy or paranoid, but Leeteuk's words at SS6 just shocked me and made it more real. 

As you know, Leeteuk just recently came back from his 2 year enlistment, and the 100th Super Show just happened barely a whole day ago. His speech shocked everyone, of course, but it shocked me in a totally different way. If you didn't get to hear what he had to say, basically, he revealed that he had suicidal thoughts earlier this year. Of course, this broke everyone's hearts. But it shocked everyone in a way, no one really knew what he was feeling or what he was going through. But a big part of me knew he was suicidal. I trust that you all know that earlier in the beginning of 2014, in the start of January, his father killed Jungsoo's grandparents, and then himself in another room of his home. 3 family members at one time. During that week, I wanted so desperately (as would any of us) to be there and comfort him, hug him, and to tell him everything would be okay. The freaky part is that, sometime during that week, after the funeral and he had to go back to finish his enlistment, I had somewhat of a dream that I was talking to him. The conversation was like listening to a radio with a terrible signal. It was in all Korean, and I'm not fluent in Korean at all, so at first I thought it was jibberish. I was trying to ask him if he was okay. He said he wasn't okay at all, and he was telling me that he was in a very bad and dark place, he cried and said he didn't see a point in anything and said he doesn't know what he did to receive a punishment like this. I told him that everything will be okay and to think about the family he still has, and his friends, group members, and to remember us. I said that we all care about him and love him so much, and that we didn't wait 2 years just for him to never come back. I begged him to take care of himself and for the time being, to stay away from guns (since he was in the army, there are a lot of weapons available to front line soldiers like guns and knives and such, and I was scared he would use a gun on himself, which is very disturbing to think about). 

Remember earlier at the start of the year when it was predicted that an idol would die? Of course it eventually happened, to EunB and Rise (breaks my heart still). But when everyone first heard, we all got so paranoid, and that thing with Sehun, and everyone was worried it was gonna be Sehun. I truthfully was not worried about him at all. For months I was worried about Jungsoo (Leeteuk), and when I heard that it was predicted an idol would die, I was absolutely terrified that it was going to be him. I kept hoping and hoping it wouldn't be. Some friends told me the didn't think he would ever do that, but after what I had experienced, I was scared and beyond worried. When the incident happened with his family, I woke up to that news at 7 am. I didn't want to wake up again to news that he had shot himself or something (and it still gives me chills that he actually thought about doing that). Later on, I convinced myself that I was just being paranoid, and I was probably going crazy.

Now it's probably the craziest coincidence ever, but I was shocked to hear him say what he said, and what he said was basically the conversation we so called had. And this is coming from an Athiest who doesn't even believe weird stuff like this is even real.

• "Seems like this is the first time I said these words. I wanted to succeed, didn't want to lose to anybody. So I worked hard like crazy, and at a certain moment, it was really working out like my plans, what I longed for passed by smoothly. When I enlisted, I thought it will pass by quickly! Things that I never thought before happened. I thought of why such things happened to me. What wrong did I do.. I wondered why I was given such a punishment. In those tough times, I thought about if I should end my life. But further on I thought, I had family, members, and fans who loved me deeply. Maybe cause of you I could carry on. In the past I was really greedy, SJ can't lose to other groups, we can't not get number 1, I thought that we have to get it, couldn't lose the drive. But now I have let it go. Being able to enjoy with members and fans is a very blissful thing too. Like I have found happiness again from everyone, it will be good if fans can also see us find happiness again! Because we are family, right?"
• ~Park Jungsoo (his ment at SS6)

Do you think this is crazy, because now I feel like I'm really losing my mind. Am I crazy?!!! I don't even know anymore! Is this some crazy coincidence that I'm looking too much into? I have no freaking idea. But am I making it up? No! And it frustrates me that everyone was so surprised by what he said (such as "how could we not have known?" "This news breaks my heart"). And I'm sitting here like, "how could any of you not have known? How could any of you not have felt the same things I felt? Or knew the things that I knew?" I don't even know what this is. I keep trying to get my mind off of it, but every time I see something about this on tumblr or whatever, I just go crazy because it's basically old news to me. It didn't surprise or shock me because I didn't know, it did because I already knew. 

If you've actually read this far, well then I applaud you. Because I don't think what I'm saying makes any sense at all. I have been keeping all of this in all year, and now that everything is coming out from his side, I felt like I just had to say something about it. If you're confused or think this is weird or crazy, then good because I feel the exact same way. And people who aren't lying shouldn't feel the need to say so, but I am truthfully worried that someone will think I am lying, which is why I never said anything all this time. Also because I didn't believe myself, so why should someone else? 

Okay, I think I got everything out, and if you're freaked out or confused, again, I feel the same as you. It's just that at first I thought it was all in my head, but to actually hear him say it, it just made it all too real for me, and even more confusing. 

I'm going to stop ranting and such now, because I feel like I've said too much already. Bye bye now and feel free to ignore me, because I don't mind.