So, I wanted to get this out of my chest.

I've been kinda down for the past few days or so. I don't know if it's because I'm stressed or whatever, but I haven't really been showing it. I've been telling my friends how I still haven't moved on from my breakup (Is it normal to not be able to move on after 12 days?), but somehow I've been conveying it in such a way that makes it seem like I'm kidding, or that I'm fine, when I really am not. They probably still see me as the happy, sassy (or more like b*tchy), person who makes the lamest jokes, and probably doesn't have a single problem. Too bad I'm not. At least I'm not happy (because I'm still a b*tch).

I miss my boyfriend ex. I want to talk to him, but I tell myself that I shouldn't. I know I'm going to find it harder to move on if I do. Nevertheless, the thought of talking to him still lingers on my mind, and my internal debate continues. 

I've also been seeing a lot of couples lately, which makes me absolutely bitter about my current situation. Yes, I'm jealous. Yes, I want to have a relationship where I don't have to go online to see/talk to him. It kinda hurts. 

Okay it hurts a lot.

What hurts even more is that I know I'm never gonna have that kind of relationship. I'm mean to people (even when I don't mean to be), I'm not the smartest person out there, I'm fat, and I'm loud. The first part, just sunk in not too long ago. I want to stop being so sassy, and for once be the nice person who's really nice to everyone, no matter what. I want to be that person who still smiles even when the world throws everything at him. But it isn't easy. All throughout high school, I've been known for sassing almost everyone, and being blatantly honest about mostly everything when it comes to others. My friends are used to it, but sometimes they perceive what I do as something mean. I can't blame them. Looking back, I am disgusted with myself. 

So yeah, right now I feel absolutely crappy, bitter, jealous, etc. You get the picture. Anyway, I hope whoever you are reading, you're life is going well. Thank you for reading this irrelevant rant.