Hi girls

it has been a long time right?

I hadn't wrote to you in a bit because I was super busy, but i have like half a day free and i decided to write to you to at least explain...I'll be short.

where the hell have I been?

I told you i was about to start a course, it is like a master, but not exactly one since it will give me credits but not a title. 

Why am I even doing it?

It is free, but i'll have to pay to stay in another city where the course will continue. I meet new people there , but i already had to sleep in 3 different beds in less than a total of 15 days. Workshops seem cool, but I apparently don't give much of a . I'm doing it because I'm too much at home, no friends, no social life, no happiness lately, only myself and my fears. I have to go out, to learn and experience, to try and fail (apparently people does these things and i'm people). I've put a lot fo effort into decideding to do this, even if i'll probably feel like now and then, even if I keep feelign like I don't fit in and that I won't be of much help in there, plus workshops ! I did only one, and i'm scared of the one i'm about to start tomorrow...they give you a load of work, you even have to decide what to do and create and then you have to work day and night for it in a short period of time because they want to put on a show at the end. WTF, I'm not an architect, not evne in my heart, and for me architectural things are a pain in the , because I'm not passionate about it and I really find some lessons boring, it can't be helpes...i'm ignorant and boring and bored.

Still can I be like this? You can't survive when you don't like a single thing around you, so you better find something, or at least work towards something even while not lovign it, else you'll become a plant, and not evne a pleasant lookign one.

Will I survive and reach the end?

Probably. I always do, it's what i do better, I let things pass on me, i survive and get to the end, I'm just afraid that i'll feel forced to finish it since I started it, and  it would , as always. But I can't keep runnign away and shutting others out.

I'll survive and i'll come back with a better luggage for my life, i'll have more tears in it and i'll have more smiles, i'll have more memories, the good and the bad ones and I'll have some detail stuck in my heart until my departure form this earth. I want to gather some courage from this experience, for now i've met amazing people really, they are nice and funny and kind and so smart and full of experiences.  I feel so small compared to other colleagues, apart from beign the younger there, in body and mind.

They had life experiences they met cool people and they know many things i ignored.

I've learned already few things I didn't know and that will be useful to brag about in those adult chats you have in a sad boring office, in at least one period of your life.

I felt like and cried my eyes out feelign completely useless and stupid, learnign also that cool people can be real es and that I HATE when someone thinks they are in some position to tell you what to do, even if they put on the cool mask of the "i'm sayign this for you, just be strogn and try doign things". Those are the scariest, just them all and keep thinking what you think and do your things, because everyone needs to be free to reach their goals at their own pace.

I drew few sketches for a museum that maybe won't close in the end, and I learned something about the artists I didn't like before. Maybe those sketches will end up in a book...maybe someone will appreciate our crazy work, and we'll feel happy holding such a book even when we won't have a reason to meet anymore.

I also realized I can do some things I've stopped doing in years, afraid to have panic attacks that this time didn't come.

I started to think that maybe this thing will help me in other things in life, so I'll endure all the my brain will surely put me trough. I'll try to be understanding and opened to learn as much as I can, and I'll try to change my way of making friends because I end up always pushing them away, but these guys are cool people.

what about AFF THEN?

this, is the reason I wrote to you, and then ended up blabbering...but I needed to let it out, it's ok if no one read it...I wanted to write a bit.

i won't disappear. never! I promise. last chapter was posted from Orani after all, no? I was in the midst of the first workshop. If i managed to do it then I can do it again. These weeks maybe will be super hectic and crazy...gah stupid summer school...these architects always are a pain in the . But if I'll have some free moment I'll write a bit and update the story. Not regularly, and maybe i won't reply to your comments...which i read and that made my heart contented...really I love you guys *^*

INYC has absolute priority over other stories, but i'll still cherish my other ideas too...in 3 months i'll have free time, else i'll wake up at 6 especially to find time, since if I stop writing I'll feel empty and sad. I miss you guys like crazy, I miss suju too, and even the comeback was hard to follow and I almost cried when I saw them on stage, but I only had 4 minutes to fangirl all by myself.

let's keep in touch...write to me if you miss me too so that I'll feel less lonely. Yes real life people often makes me feel lonely, I need some fellow fans to cheer up when everything seems grey...so please, please, don't abandon me. I know it to wait this much...but life comes first, if I don't want to end up depressed and scared of the real world. I'm 26 and I have to be an adult and find a job and stuff like that...

*sighs*

let's talk again soo...

love you a lot ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

let's just talk about how pretty our babies look

i mean

come on

UGH CAN YOU STOP...

and i'll stop because I can go on forever... T-T (plus my internet is too slow i can't even open pictures >__<)