When you first left, I wondered how I was going to live on. You were my twin, my brother, my other half. How could I go on? You were always by my side and then suddenly- you were gone. I was selfish when you died. How dare you leave me alone, how dare you kill yourself and leave me the only child. But I came to my senses. I thought if I had helped you more, if I had paid you more attention, if I had asked are you okay more you wouldn't have done it. Then I realised you wouldn't want me thinking that way. You would say it wasn't my fault, it was inevitable. No one can escape life's decision of when it thinks you should go. I understand why you said that now, but I'm still angry at life for taking my only sibling away from you.

Today I visited your grave, alone, like I've done for the past three years. I washed it down, gave you fresh flowers, pink and white cymbiduims like always. I stayed there for a few hours like I always did talking to you. Did you hear me? I hope you did. I miss you a lot, do you know how much you've missed out on? I finally don't have to stay with appa any more, so I'm safe now. I think you prayed for me to be safe, and it worked. You know, sometimes I feel like you're still with me, following me and keeping me safe. You did say that you would live on through me and that I should live my life for you, so I think that you are. I hope you're not living through me when I go to the toilet. Haha, I'm sorry. You know that my humour isn't the best. But still, especially sitting alone in our family house in Daegu, I feel like you're here with me. Can you stay with me? Please? It feels good to know that you're keeping me safe, and I feel a bit less empty when I think you're there next to me.

I leave to go back to Australia tomorrow. I'm sorry I didn't stay long, but I just can't to be here alone. Too many memories of you. Speaking of memories, I still have that bracelet. I never take it off, even if the teachers tell me to. I can just hear you calling me a pabo right now and hitting my head in that way you always did. Thinking of memories like that of you make me smile, even if they make me miss you. I'll try to come and visit more often, when I have the money. I might even bring Lacie and Chiara next time, I'm sure they would love to meet you. You would love them too. Thank you for looking after me, the fifteen years when you were alive and the forever now that you are dead. I miss you so much brother.

신여준, 사랑해. Shin Yuhjoon, I love you. May you always rest in peace.

Love,
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