Saturday, August 30; 3:47a.m

I can't sleep. I have been lying in bed, looking up at the ceiling. I tried lying down with Mom and Dad. I just lie there. My mind is racing more than usual. I usually think a lot but it has never hindered me from sleeping. I keep thinking about what happened tonight, and what will happen in the future; running scenerios in my head. I am thinking about the guy I met tonight. Wesley. How beautiful he was. pure perfection. flaw after flaw which built him to be him which is that perfection. Without his flaws, he'd be imperfect. The way he threw around swear words like they were first grade sight reading words. Brilliant. His smile. I cannot put into words just how divine it was. I wanted to him.

I think about when I saw Molly, Kyra, and Julia. They looked so eager to see me and it almost made me happy. Then I remembered... what Molly texted Shahmeer. "She just starts drama.. Don't worry I am on your side.. Nothing she has said is true, I know.." I thought she was my friend. And my heart tore to pieces once again.

I returned the wave and tried to smile but when I walked away I could feel tears forming. I held them in though. They looked so confused.

Now I am thinking..What they must think of me. What will they say about me at the meeting tomorrow. They must think I am just trying to start drama or something. I hate drama. But it seems to follow me around everywhere I gp, suffocating me. I can't breathe. But you know, as I always say, it is really none of my business what people think of me. And that is true. But, it can be hard not to just wonder... I wonder how going back to stage 2 will be now that I have isolated myself away from everyone and have vowed not to speak to anyone there. I hope nothing dramatic happens. It is absolutely driving me crazy not knowing what going back will be like. I try to imagine it but I know it's not how it is going to really be.

I need Zain. Oh! How I love him, and miss him. Yet we cannot speak and it is killing me. The only reason I am still alive is because of him. Because I love him and I know he loves me. And it tears me apart to know that we will never be together. I think about him often....

I must be insane. I know I am. The way I think. The way I put things together in my head. I need help. Yet I am too afraid to ask for it. I am slowly not sleeping, not eating, thinking uselessly,,,, I am slowly falling apart, piece by piece, and there is nothing that can stop it. I wish I could crawl inside a deep hole that leads to a portal that would transport me into space or nothingness, and never talk to anyone again. But I love people too easily and too much.

TRUST NO ONE.

-Keiti L.