i am alone.

i am all alone, noone is there... just me and my pen.

all i have are my skills, all i need is my pen.

do i write? no. do i draw? no. do i text? no.

so what do i do all alone with only a pen?

well , i draw...somehow, but i don't rly draw nor write. i fill my lonlyness and make myself forget. osmetimes for loger sometimes for only a short period. But it works... As i need to protect my friends, i can't let myself show my wekness or my fears. I keep smiling i keep laughing, i keep putting on the its all right face. But what is alright? Nothing... But i am to that point where not even my feeling can show me a way out... why? Cuz i can't feel anything.

not happiness, not joy, not fear, not guilt, not envy, not love. no nothing.

i don't love anyone, i don't hate anyone, but i keep pöaying with others feeligs. 

i should feel bad, but i don't 

i should be guiilty for playing with people and their feelings, but i don't. i keep doing it, i keep hurting people, i keep making people happy, but why?

i don't dare hurting my friends cuz i care for them, but i don't rly manage to keep them away from hurt or danger. i try but i can't . i am too weak to even protect my leat bit of left feelings. ,y last bit of humanity.

i grasp onto that last straw of actual feelings , but don't even manage to keep it. That last straw is slowly fading to grey, now even that one loosing its color, loosing its meaning.

I am a fuc*ing teenager, so why don't i feel? don't i hate, love, like, want?

i should be having a crush, should be having troubles, should be having worries, but i don't i just dont have.

i have nobody i like, nobody i have a crush on, nobody i can't stand to the chore of my bones, nobody who i wish death.... 

but so doesn't anybody have me. 

i try to keep myself safe...but on the other hands would do and do everything for those last i care for... but what is the price? having a mind and heart of china... everything seems perfect, clear and white and even, but when you break into the inside all you find is grey and raw... You need a huge force to get inside and all you find is dissappointing.... so i just voiced myself why nobody tries....i still don't want it o be true....

all i want is somebody to love! something to be passionate about.... just something.

but as i still havent found anything i keep hiding myself behind predictable fluffy lovingly stories which keep my fake emotions in place, songs who cry my heart and pictures which keep my facade upright. so all i need is my pen, to not loose myself, as you could call it.

so please somebody be there soon to hold that pen, cuz my hand is keeping getting weaker... i don't know how long but it surely will end soon, and my wall will break down. where i don'*t know what to do... cuz i've been in this fake shell for too long.

how long? 8 years it will be soon....

happy anniversary to myself.