So sorry for posting a rant on here. 

Do ignore this if you want but I seriously need someone to yell at me and tell me how to fix life and just someone to talk to. 

I'm actually such a horrible person (no like seriously). Like why did god make me such a ? Why cant I just always say nice things and never say things that hurt people? 

I don't know what was wrong with me, I guess I was upset about something or I was just moody (or I'm just horrible). My older brother came to visit me today (like he always does everyday) and he was talking to me, telling me about his day. He's such a sweet guy, seriously idt you'll ever find a guy as sweet and gentle as him, he's so caring and he's always thinking about other people. 

He always starts with taking out a notebook and pencil for me, because he knows I love to write, and he also gave me a picture of our younger brother. I have three brothers in total, one older and two younger. The one right after me doesn't live with us because he's abroad chasing his dreams but he always keeps us updated. And my older bro always brings me the letters he sends to us to share our joy. 

 You know its so nice of him to share his day with me. I almost never leave so I don't really know what's going on with the world outside this white room, and he's like the only thing that connects me to everything. My friends visit me sometimes but they're busy with their own life and I feel bad when they have to see me just here, laying on my bed all sick and needled up and looking like I'm half dead. 

Usually I'm so interested in what my brother tells me, he's a really good story teller. He told me about how his new boss is really cute and a little clumsy but a good boss (he's only a few years older than my bro and I ship them yo~) and he also said that my youngest brother got a 100 on his math test and showed it to me. He also said something about learning how to cook hamburgers (you know, the one w/o the bun) and that he almost burned the whole house down. 

But I guess this was when I serious became a . Idk why (actually I do) but I just....yelled at him. Outright screamed at him so loudly. He was saying something about cooking was so hard and how he wished he didn't have to do the stuff he does to keep the house clean and that he wished he lived a life without struggles and hardship. Wishes he lived a different life. It's something everyone says, like who wouldn't want to live a life thats easy and everything is done for you. 

But I completely snapped at him, exploded. I said something like "how could you say something like that when he doesn't even know what 'struggle' is or how hard it is to actually live a life where you don't feel needed. Don't even feel like you're alive, where you're just standing there by yourself while you watch the world around you." And called him many bad words and idk...just so many words that I cant say. 

He was shocked. By then he was standing up and frozen as he stared at me screaming and coughing and crying. I hasn't cried in so long I think he didn't know what to do. It mad me so angry to see him helpless, like he's suppose to know what to do all the time. I screamed at him to go away and to never come back. I yelled and struggled an hacked. Before I knew it the nurses were everywhere and I felt someone pinch me somewhere and I guess I fell sleep or fainted. I don't remember how it became all black and dark. 

But when I opened my eyes the next day, every word I threw at my brother came back to me and I crumpled again. Mina is one of the nurses who stays with me at night and she knows me well, but I think even she was too scared to touch me because I was always such a strong pillar and she's never seen me cry. Poor girl, she's only in her early twenties. 

I said so many words, so many painful words. I don't think my brother will ever forgive me. No..I'm lying, I know my brother will forgive me. He's just that kind of guy thats too nice for his own good. And I'm killing him, breaking him into little pieces just bc I'm sick. I'm horrible, absolutely terrible and now, I think I understand why god gave me the sickness I have now. I was probably a horrible person in my past life too.

Its 11:30pm and he didn't come and visit me today. I think I deserve worse than my sickness. 

Should I call him and apologize? I feel like I'm taking advantage of him bc if I do call, he will forgive me. Maybe I need to feel the pain for a while to learn from my mistake. But I never got to tell my youngest brother how proud I was of him for getting a 100 or how I hope my older brother gets to become closer to his boss or teach him how to adjust the oven so it doesn't burn the hamburger...