Hi guys, How is everyone on AFF today? Good?

Listen, I am not abandoning any of my fanfics or anything--- nor do I have writer's block exactly...

I just haven't had a mood to write these last couple days you know?

...Something happened at work and now I have just been heartbroken. I feel like I need to write a angst/hurtandcomfort oneshot... Maybe I will do that to help me a little...

Here I go telling stories just for those of you who are wondering where this is coming from~

I work with children you see, it is my passion honestly, and last year I was working with this little girl who was about four/five. This little girl is amazing and I adored her so much, and I believe she adored me. I got really attached to her the weeks I worked with her and I even started being close enough that I thought of her as my family! This little girl opened up to me about what was going on in her life and I had to be the one to comfort her which brought us closer. So this being said on the last day that I saw her I was sad that I was not going to see her for a long time, since it was a camp I work in during the Summer months. I truly thought that she was going to forget me in the school-months since she is just five, but I was wrong. This year she remembered me! I was so estactic and happy, especially when she told me that she thought of me and missed me a lot! Her older brother even remembered me, he's about nine now, and he hugs me whenever he sees me and everything it always makes me overjoyed! 

Alright now here is the reason for the heartache... 

Their mother was sick last year, I know because the little girl told me and I often comforted her for that and her parents' divorce amongst other things. They were going through a lot at such a young age, even though a lot of people wouldn't have known since both were ALWAYS smiling, playing, laughing...

This year the little girl unfortunately is not in my group however she still sees me often and will come to me during the recess-time and pool-time so she can have my attention/affection. She says she loves me and that sometimes she wishes she was in my group--- not because she doesn't like her counselors because trust me they are awesome! But she wants me too I guess. During the time she is with me she opened up to me and tells me all about her school-year but suddenly she dropped the bomb on me: 

"I haven't been as happy lately because my mom passed away." 

Just like that she revealed without any tears or dramatics. She just stated it like the weather, and I could hear the sharp pain and hurt in her voice, so subtly underneath the surface. 

I gasped and asked when did that happen... 

"In April..."

Could you imagine losing your mother at barely 6 and 9 (her brother)? And still be a happy child that no one would second-guess your happiness? I hugged her and asked if she wanted me to comfort her, she said yes but still no tears~ she said,

"I just miss her a lot." 

I told her "I know, but remember she is still with you, always watching over you." 

She giggled and responded: "That must really tiring."

I agreed and asked if she was alright. She didn't even hesitate to tell me:

"Yeah, it's just sometimes unfair. But I'm okay." 

This little girl I absolutely love and would do anything for her honestly... 

I just, I wish she didn't have to lose her mother. I understand some of you out there have lost one parent or both, or gaurdians, or just anyone you love... And I am truly empathetic. I know what lost feels like and I know how hopeless it seems. But just look at this child who has come to acceptance~ maybe she is just putting on a strong front however I don't think so because this little girl hides nothing from me if that makes sense. I am not her teacher or her parent~ if anything she thinks of me as her big sister or friend~ so she tells me exactly what is on her mind. 

By the way if you're wondering how we got to that part of the conversation it started with: 

Me- "So did you miss me any?" I laughed because I was merely joking. 

"Of course! A lot!" 

Me- "Really? Did you tell anyone?" I ask because usually children will say how they are feeling shamelessly since they have not been taught that it is "bad" yet by society~ which I think is wonderful and why I have a passion for working with kids. 

"No. I mostly keep that stuff to myself." 

I didn't need to ask why. I already knew it was because this little girl has been through so much. She isn't a girly-princess, she wears shirts featuring the Incredible Hulk and she acts like a lion instead of a house-cat. When she opens up it is because she trusts you 100% and HONESTLY: I DO NOT KNOW WHY SHE CHOSE ME.

That's how I see it. 

She picked me, out of so many people, to trust and love.

The thing about children is they have the ability to unconditionally love you, no matter your mistakes. Sometimes I discipline the children, and sometimes I get frustrated with them, but they ALWAYS come back to me with smiles telling me sweet-nothings of how they love me and all. 

Right now I am just in pain, over all the happiness I feel and excessive love. I want to protect my little girl from the world but then I realize she has not been taught yet how to fear the world. She accepts that her mother is dead but is still with her, she accepts that she is not in my group but that's okay because she still sees me, and she accepts that she is not a girly-princess she is instead a tomboy-princess who when is asked why does she wear "boy clothes" says: I just like them, it's okay. 

I love this little girl honestly, and her brother who is always a hyperactive ball of funny-energy. Right now I guess I am not only grieving for them facing harsh realities of the world, but I am now being confronted with no matter how much I love all the little kids in my life I know I will not be able to protect them from the world--- I am also learning that they don't need me to prevent bad things from happening. They just need comfort when it does happen and aide to help them learn what to do next~ They should never be taught fear or dependence. 

I just am a little in my own world so please understand if I do not update anything for a few more days... 

WOW this was long haha sorry/thanks for reading this all if you did :) I really just needed to get this all off my chest.