Do you ever just feel so much pain in your chest that you feel you might die? I feel like I have it everyday now. 

I already feel like I'm a substandard human and female. I'm reminded of that everyday I look in the mirror. The fact that I have a boyfriend now makes it worse. I'm hyper aware of everyone of my flaws and the fact I can never change them. I know I'm an ugly and have a personality.

Today I ed up pretty badly with him. He was upset and doesn't want to go on our date. I'm already dealing with the fact my friend was practically molested by her ex and my mind is completely shredded already. I wasn't thinking clearly and I just did something stupid with out thinking. He was upset and we didn't talk all day, just walking past each other. Worse part is he was in my house. 

I'm going to punish myself for being so stupid and for constantly telling myself to watch my actions and words but I messed up. He told me he was pissed off. I deserve it. He's hurt me before but I up the most in our relationship. 

He won't accept my apologizes and if he wants to break up with me I wouldn't blame him at all. I'm a terrible person and don't deserve him in the slightest. He's amazing and I'm just a dirt stain compared to him. 

I could never say any of this to him he'll just get more pissed off at me and want to break up for sure. He doesn't need someone as broken as me in his life. I'm just a stupid child and he doesn't need me ruining his life. 

I wasn't going to cut myself or something like that. This isn't a farewell letter but I just felt I wanted to get this out.

 I don't know what it is but I have a soft spot in the back/middle of my head and it hurts most days and makes it hard to lay down or sleep. I have passed out before because of the pain. I'm going to the doctor to get it checked out. 

I told him I was going to punish myself for hurting him and he doesn't want me to cut myself because he'll be more pissed off and he won't forgive himself if I do. He never said anything else. I'm not just punishing myself over a boy so don't judge me for that. I'm punishing myself because I finally see how much I hurt people just by my presence.  

I apologized to him and everyone over and over and hit my head against the bathroom wall. The back part not to leave a mark. It hurts a lot now and I'm not going to be able to sleep. I won't tell him this tomorrow I'll just say I stayed up all night or something.

I have been silently crying for a while now in bed so sorry if I miss spelled some things because I can't see very well. I don't have to worry about my boyfriend finding this because he doesn't read my updates here anyway unless I ask and he doesn't know about the blogs. 

I wish I could tell him I'm sorry in person and I don't deserve his affection but he'll get mad at me for saying that. I love him to the moon and back. He's my first love and I will never find anyone that makes me feel this way again. He make my eyes sparkle and I'm just nothing compared to him. 

I'm in love and I can't loose him. 

This is painful…