***

I guess it's my fault for being so cautious around you and not being able to trust you enough. I always needed to hear that you loved me ; but I could barely say it myself. I questioned your love for me because frankly, I don't believe in love - yet I dream of it.

I'm stupid. Because I dreamt for that perfect place with you. Where you don't love me any more or less than I do. Where I can love you with a whole heart. Not an ugly, bruised, broken one.

It’s not your fault that everything turned out like this --it's mine.

I was frightful and insecure. I couldn't forget the pain of that previous love and you got the blame for everything. His mistakes burdened our future.

He scarred and tainted me. I was worried day and night that I would get attached to you to be betrayed again. So whenever you talked to other girls or about other girls, I acted cool - like I didn't care when truthfully, it was ripping me apart inside. I bet you don't know that I'm the most jealous person in the world- that I died inside whenever you touched her, hugged her. I know that you don't know. Because I acted like it didn't hurt.

I could tell by the look in your eyes. You wanted me to say something when we got home. You wanted me to say that I was jealous. But I knew that, so I didn't. I'm prideful.

I acted like I had no interest in you. I pushed your hugs and signs of affection away and declared that I didn't want your kisses.

What for?

Maybe it was a sad attempt to keep my guard up and protect my heart.

I know I shouldn't have done it this way, but I did. Truthfully, I wanted some loving too. But because of him, I was scared to trust you and be let down and massacred into pieces again.

Besides, I don't really believe in love, remember?

I bet you don't know that I cried every night thinking about you. I'm the best at hiding my real emotions over that stolid facial expression of mine. In front of you - hell in front of everyone, I could be the most expressionless, nonchalant girl in the world. But I bet you don't know that the cruel words I say to you build up in my mind and torment my chest for hours until it erupts into hot, volcanic tears.

When it comes to acting like I am okay, I play the game better than anyone else.

Nothing is going to change when I say this - but you really do not know how much I love you.

I bet you don't know how much I'm hurting inside because you left, how I die inside daily because I know clearly that for the last couple of months, you just gave up on me and moved onto her

But again, in the condition we were at the rate we were going, we couldn't help but break apart.

None of this is on you. I guess even I was waiting for you to break it off with me. But I'm going to be okay. Because the burden of neither satisfying you nor tearing you apart is now lifted off of my shoulders. Be with that someone that made you so happy

Of all people, you deserve it.

Still... I bet you don't know how much I loved you.