Am I Really Falling for You? by chocobella

Just a fair warning, this is my first review so the grading may be harsh. 

Title: 3.5/5 (70%)

Although the title fits your story, it is a little long. There could be a way to express the same theme in a fewer amount of words. It would make the title more intriguing. Unfortunately, your title resembles those that explain the entire plot. Now that I’ve read your piece, I see that’s not the case but the initial impression was still negative.

Description and Foreword: 8/10 (80%)

The main description was nice. It gave adequate information without too much info-dumping. You could stand to make it more compelling in order to capture someone's attention. The quotes were good because they showed us the relationship each girl had with her bully and how they feel about them now.

As for the character profiles, they really don’t add much to the characters. I know you have a lot of characters but readers will easily tell them apart through your writing. The profiles say nearly the same thing about every girl and every guy.  

The prologue was useful like the quotes. It really gave me an idea of theboy's  cruelty. It was a little confusing when there were no spaces between scene changes. It looked like you had the same two people exchanging nonsensical dialogue. Just add a space when you switch characters. 

Design: 5/5 (~100%)

As long as design does not make reading challenge, it deserves full points. Your poster is charming and the background is simple. The font in the first chapter is different from the other chapters though.

Mechanics: 20/20(~100%)

Compound: “Seohyun ditched the fair and went to the University’s library.”

So basically, a compound sentence is two simple sentences mashed together.

If you continually use just these two structures, your writing can become very stale. Since you don’t have much description, it’s not a big issue but I think you have a lot of potential to avoid it completely. Just use other types of sentences.

Complex sentence: Even though Yoona was falling half-asleep, she couldn’t but help notice when something silvery fell out of a guy’s pocket.

Compound-Complex sentence: Seohyun loved books so the university library, which was absolutely enormous, was her dreamland. 

You could also bring your scenes to life by elaborating on your descriptions. Use more imagery to contrast against the detail.

Detail: Taeyeon fell and scraped her knee.

Imagery: The sharp sting of pain hit her almost immediately.

Plot/Story Flow: 17/30 (56%)

The plot didn’t work for me. It was fine up to the kidnapping but then I could no longer suspend my disbelief. Why did they not call the police? What do they think they can do for the victims? Are the Queenkas involved in the kidnapping or are they immature enough to actually put someone’s life at risk over a petty grudge? But most importantly, why did they not call the police? You don't have to take it out but I would advise you to look it over. 

The flow was uneven. Certain parts would lag while others pertaining to plot, would rush. Especially in the beginning when each girl got their 10 sentence scene. In some cases that could work but since you had nine girls it only became tiresome not to mention predictable.

For example, when the girls encounter the boys again. Those were really short yet they all told the same story. Girl runs into bully; bully is still a jerk. Then, we move to the classes. The girls are excited about their classes but then they get stuck with the bully. And finally, all of them getting sick. All of the outrage and shock had been out by the fact that I knew exactly what was going to happen. A real shame since some of the best dialogue was through there. 

I could see legitimate improvement as the story progressed. You added more details and slowed some scenes down, but still, it's not good to have someone read one thing nine times. With multiple points of view you cannot be repetitive.

Following that, there are certain times where the character’s speech becomes repetitive. When they are introducing themselves to the class or speaking to the principal, you don’t have to type “Annyeonghaseyo ______” eighteen times. Simplify things and just say “The girls introduced themselves.”

Be it through repeating details we already know or just showing us something we’ve already seen, repetition is the quickest way to kill interest. I’m not saying it will kill your story but it will kill your flow. (And so will author notes. If you must say something, do it at the end.)

Characterization and Development: 9/15 (60%)

Like I said before, even though you had a lot of characters it wasn’t hard to tell them apart. Their personalities weren’t polar opposites but I could still assign different traits to each of them. At least for the girls. So far, all the guys are jerks (save for Kibum) because you haven’t gotten the chance to develop them. To be honest, I was surprised you didn’t do more with the guys in the nurse’s office.

One thing I did like about your development is that you almost always used indirect characterization. Instead of telling us you showed us. This way, the characters made more of an impression and it was easier to remember their traits. You could stand to diversify your means though. I’ll explain it with this:

Speech * Thoughts * Effect on others * Actions * Looks (STEAL)

These are the forms of indirect characterization.

You depend quite a bit on speech. The characters say pretty much everything they are thinking which subtracts from the realistic quality. Sometimes people hold back. Instead, you could show their thoughts through facial expressions or body language (eye rolling, smiling). It's more subtle.

Effect on others is a great one because you can show how the characters react. I really liked the scene with the Queenkas at lunch because you described the different ways the girls responded to the situation. Hyoyeon and Taeyeon went nuts while Seohyun asked for peace. Those were reactions that developed your characters. Since you aren't in first person you can't use thoughts but you can still use actions. You've done an adequate job with looks. 

The relationship building hasn’t really started and it shouldn’t have. The guys have not proven themselves yet and the girls should not be ready to like them. Good job staying consistent with the characterization.

Now, I’m going to go back to the kidnapping which none of your characters are taking seriously. Not even the victims. Kidnapping is dangerous and often leads to death. By using kidnapping in your story, you should utilize the intensity of the situation to really display the character’s true personalities. Unrealistic or out of character reactions damage your entire story.

Originality: 7/10 (70%)

With SuperGeneration, it’s really common to see all of them falling in love and all the girls being family and the guys being family. That does require a little more suspension of disbelief but it’s still okay to do. Falling in love with your bully/childhood friend isn’t the most original thing but that doesn’t bother me much. It all depends on how you handle it.

Enjoyment: 3/5 (60%)

I’m sorry. Your story moved too fast in terms of plot and dragged quite a bit with characterization. There were many pieces that worked well alone but did not fit as a whole. Hope this helps you though.

Strongest areas: Mechanics and Character Consistency

Areas to improve: Flow and Character Development

Overall score: 62%