Sometimes I forget I'm human and that these feelings are normal.

I just want to give up on life. I'm not allowed to have any joys. My family restricts me so much. I "shouldn't" listen to kpop because it and is terrible and koreans are ugly. I shouldn't laugh or smile because I have homework to do and I have no time for things like laughing and smiling. I can't go out with friends, because I should stay home with my mum whenever she needs help. I can't do anything. That's just a little bit. Everything I want to do, I can't. Everything I don't want to do, I have to do.

They get angry at me over nothing. And I just feel so useless, like a waste of resources. My mum shouldn't be spending so much money on my education or on me in general. She shouldn'y have to put food on the table for me. They don't care about me, so why should that do that? I know, some people are like "they only want the best for you." I thought that too. I believed that when I was younger. But, if they really did, why would my sisters always go out with friends and not let me out? It's like they're ashamed to be related to me. They don't like going out with me or anything. When I ask if I can go to an event with them, they're like "yeah sure." and then on the day they leave the house before I get home from school. 

I feel as though no one wants me to be around. I know I can be really annoying. But, if I'm going to be alone then I may as well stop talking to anyone and stop being sociable (as sociable as I can get). I shouldn't look at people, I should just go to the library during breaks and ignore people. Put my head down and read, do homework or listen to music. I might as well. People wouldn't notice if I wasn't around anyway.

I feel so used by everyone. I can't trust anyone anymore. I should have learnt my lesson the first time my "best" friend left me after my father passed away. But no, I just had to make more friends. I'm making my life worse than it could have been. I could have been a wallflower. I wouldn't have to put up with the endless teasing I get at school for being slightly different.

Every night I cry myself to sleep and think, how different would my life be if my father was still around? I think I'm over emotional this year as well, and it's not helping my studies. I'm so over it. I find it so hard to literally not open the car door and jump out. I don't though, I don't want to cause any strangers any trauma. Everythings my fault. If I wasn't around my family's relationship would be so much better. I hate myself for existing