After a whole semester and a half of counseling I finally thought I could be somewhat fine.

Even my counselor says I'm doing better. I seem to be happier. I'm not.

I know I should tell her everything honestly but I can't.

I'm scared. I'm scared that what I have is worse than what she said. 

Dysthymia. That's what she thinks I have. I would talk more about it but I think Google is a better help than me. 

Today I failed my Chemistry test. I've isolated myself from everyone since then. I've wanted to cry since I saw the results.

I wanted to run away. So bad. I've been sitting here in the dark for almost 3 hours now. I don't even want to move. Whenever people come up to me and say "hey why are you in the dark by yourself?". All I say is, "I just needed time to relax alone you know." I pretend that I'm okay even though all I want is to cry and scream because I feel so stupid. I CANT FAIL CHEMISTRY. I CANT. ITS MY ONLY HOPE FOR THE NURSING PROGRAM. If I fail that. IM DONE. 

What am I gonna do when I tell mom? dad? when everyone else finds out?

They've wasted so much money on University and I can't even do the one thing they want me to do. I can't even become the nurse they want me to be. 

I've been blessed to go to College and I can't even do anything right. I'm failing and its upsetting. 

It makes me hate myself so much.  I deteste myself so much. 

I was given one thing to do. ONE GOD DAMN THING, BE A NURSE. That was it and now that I'm so close to it. I'm pushing it away.

It might sound stupid but after seeing that grade and seeing my Chem grade, I wanted to die. I wanted to disappear forever because I'm done trying to make this so called "dream" of mine come true.  Sometimes I don't even think it's my dream. It's everyone elses and I'm just the puppet they want to use to make it happen. 

I don't even have a chance anymore. I may be 19 and an adult but I can't even make my own decisions. Whenever I make a decision, I have to think of everyone else. Everyone before me, ALWAYS. 

"If I do this, how will it affect everyone else?"

"Will they be okay with it?"

"Can I provide for everyone with this?"

I don't even know anymore. I'm honestly sick and tired of lying to myself and to everyone else.

For once, I just want to be happy. Like actual happiness where I don't have to think for others but just myself. 

What will make me happy?

What will provide enough for me?

I'm tired of being this stupid puppet, but what can I do when everyone expects so much?

Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe anymore. I feel like I'm being suffocated by everyone.

I'm loosing me without even wanting to.

Someone help me find me again. I can't do it alone anymore and I'm just too scared to ask.

Help.