I was actually afraid to admit this, because I was afraid someone, maybe my reader or maybe my cousin, because I know she was here too, will judge me for this. I know someone will judge me for this. But, anyways, I want to tell the world about this. I don’t care, because I realize, I’ve got a huge problem since I quit smoking.

I used to be smoke before. Yes! I did! But then, since a month ago, if I’m not mistaken, I tried to stop. I tried, step by step, and truth is, that was when my problem started to arise. I start to smoke because I was always depressed and I don’t know how to stop thinking about things. But then, I tried to smoke for the first time, and truth is, I don’t like it at all. but, I’ve got this feeling when I started. For few years, I stop thinking about things, and I can do my works. My brain start to work, and I was at peace.

But then, when doctor told me, I might not be able to have a child, and got cancer, and he diagnose me with a disease(well it’s not because of smoking, but something else) so, I tried to stop. Step by step.

So, I’ve been clean for about week now, because of my birthday resolution. These past few weeks, if I was not mistaken, for a month on March, I just took only a box (I used to take a week about 2 box, and more).

And then, when I started to stop, I realize, I can’t write, I think a lot (mostly not a good thing), depressed, and my friend started to realize that, I started to get depress back. I don’t know what else to do. I want to quit, but then, I started to think a lot, and sometimes, something I shouldn’t think at all.

Before this, when I’ve got tons of works coming, I know what to do, and I just did the works. I know what is my priority and what I need to do. My life was a little bit organize , and my mind is at the right place. But now, and before I start to smoke, I was always and currently, I cried and cried thinking about the load of work I need to bear. Sometimes, when I can’t even do it at all.

Yesterday, I broke into tears again for no reasons. Oh well! Maybe because I was thinking about the load of work waiting for me. I need to write about two reports just only for two days!!!!!!! It wasn’t just a plain report, it 20000 words and tens of map of report just only for two days!!!!!! It used to be not a problem to me before. Sometimes, I can finish writing the report just only a few hours. But then, now, I would start by crying and crying first. And sometimes, I even think a lot, and mostly not a good thing.

Before, sometimes, I would take a break by writing my story. But then, now, I can’t write anything. I feel like I’m getting dumber day by day. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I lost my words. Not literally. But, I really lost my words. I don’t know my vocab anymore. Sometimes, I feel like I don’t know what I was talking about. Sometimes, I don’t know what book is. I even sometimes can’t spell the word book.

Sometimes, I hate myself for this.

I’m can feel I’m getting dumber, and I don’t know why I’m writing it here. 

(p\s: is it true GD has broke up with Kiko? or they even not dating at all?)