It's hurt. It's horribly hurt me. All I'm feeling right now is hurt. I feel nothing but hurt. I don't have any feeling. Yet. All I feel is hurt. Drama huh? But unfortunately this "drama" is the reality. My Hell-like reality. All what I'm going to write is the reality. My inner reality. Some will call it drama but for me it's called feeling. I've never been an emotional person. I've never shed a tear ever since 3 years old. And I lose it all. Last year. And it was because of him. I don't blame him through. I don't blame anyone for my pain. He didn't do anything , I'm the one to blame , that's why I blame myself. Because I've know it. Since the start when it gonna lead Me but I've choose to continue on that path.
Pain. That was the only word who could describe my self for 3 years , until now. But it's alright because I'm used to it. People do not understand that one word. Act. Can hurt a human. Weak humans. For me. For the past years of my life I've built walls around me... To be able to protect myself from any harm..any hurt. People call it "strong personality" I call it "weakness" . Yes , that's right strong on the outside and broken in the inside. Nobody. Nobody , beside 3 people knows about the secret behind my walls. My "strong personality" , but I prefer to keep it for myself. I'm a broken girl , inpure . Why ? I've decided to kill those painful memories but it won't go away as if they were engraved in my memory with fire letters , shining brightly always reminding me the horrible events. I didn't want people to judge me in this , yet , when it happened . They did . They judged me even if I was the victim. 
All the people has problems. All of them has painful memories. But my problem is I'm not strong enough to face them. I'm weak. All of my smiles are fake. Nothing in my outside personality is true . Seeing people laughing wholeheartedly hurt me because I know I can't do it. Even my own parents laugh heartedly but I just can't. She is the one to make them laugh , I'm the one to make them cry. They're always disappointed. In me . All I do is wrong . I've never did something good in my life. My father for other kids are the best of the best. I agree . He is so kind hearted , so sweet , even if he wasn't here when I needed him he still give me his embrace to cry in. He still cared for my sake. And all I do is disappoint him. I don't deserve him . I don't deserve anyone kindness. Whenever I see myself in the mirror I cry . Why ? Cause I remember all the bad things I've done in my life. Even through I didn't mean it , even through I didn't want it I still did it. 
You don't know how much I'm pushing myself not to cry in front of you. You don't know how much pain I'm holding inside of me while smiling. Will someone care for me like she did? Will someone understand me like she did ? Will someone gives me advices like she did? " Keep your tears for some one special , you'll need it soon child" sorry grandma I didn't keep your advice. 3 months . 3 months you told me this and you were gone. I've lost her. My brain doesn't want to admit it . I've lost the two persons that I loved the most . Even through I didn't show it to you . You were my everything. I've grow up with you , in your arms . The time when my own mom left me at your house and go to work . I look like you. But you're just ... Gone.
At a time like this I needed her the most but she isn't here. She have other friends now. She care about other people now . But what can I do ? I'm dealing with this pain all alone.  

Crying myself to sleep , every single night. All alone , me , my bed and my tears. Dancing for hours until I faint so I can't stand up again. My sister is asking me : " where is the strong souha I used to know?" "Where is the sister I used to admire?" Dealing with this pain , with no one to wake up in the middle of the night and tell me : "souha what's wrong? Are you okey?"  I've always been the unwanted child that's why I'm supporting this pain all alone.

No one knows about my true self. No one knows what Souha is feeling right now.