Capturing Perfection

Title: 5/5

The title was a little vague with regards to the story itself-however, once you read the whole thing, you get the idea immediately. So with regards to that, awesome job. The title suits the story, and provided enough 'mystery quality' that would entice readers, and it also sounds dark enough to match the sadness of the prose.

Description/Foreword:  17/20

To be honest, I at writing forewords so I don't think my opinion matters here -however, l can just be honest and say: The foreword was good in the sense that, it was short, but you got the gist of your story with just one sentence. It's like those one-liners in movie posters that give just enough to interest you, but not enough as to spoil the story itself. Plus points for brevity.

Plot: 15/20

First, let me point out the weak points of the plot. You might have already noticed these things yourself though.

The fact is, the story makes sense, but the presentation of the plot doesn’t. The prose alone would just be a collection of drabbles about two lovers in various stages of romance or ‘dysfunctionality’. I imagined myself reading the story alone without reading all the other things that come with it, and that’s what it felt like.

The passages of the story seem to be restricted to one timeline and one pair of stagnant characters –the present(by this, I mean like the conditions). This sort of goes against the plot, which is two soulmates finding each other, against all odds. (Am I right?)

It would improve the story greatly if you chuck the two characters into various eras and places in time –maybe add something that witnesses them in London’s Regency Era, or on opposing sides of the battlefield in some kind of war. Although it seems complicated, it would add to the angst and drama of the story. For your disposal, I listed several possibilities to this. It would be your choice whether you would revamp your story of not.

1. Kai as an enemy soldier and DO as a military doctor in the First World War(past)
2. Kai and DO in  England, circa Jane Austen(past)
3. DO falling in love with the cyborg Kai(future)
4. DO and Prince Kai’s Forbidden love(past)

The flow could be like past->present->future->present->past->present->EXO

In connection to this, the passages sort of lack definition. At least, details of where and when the scene took place should be present. This way, the flow of the story wouldn’t seem stunted.

The introduction and the resolution, along with the scene that led up to the resolution were excellent though, and they helped the story properly.

 Grammar: 17/20

You used enough flowery words to impress me. The sentence construction was good, including the use of the punctuation marks. However, l deducted points because of some cases like this:

For example: “Don’t make this harder on yourself,” his voice breaks, the only indication that this isn’t what he wants. 

Although the verb 'breaks' is in present tense, it doesn't mean that the verbs 'is' and 'want' are also in 's' form, simply because the action of wanting came prior to the action in the sentence, which is 'breaks'. Also, the correct punctuation would be a hyphen.

So the correct form of the sentence would be. “Don’t make this harder on yourself,” his voice breaks -the only indication that this wasn’t what he wanted. 

 Another is: "How did I end up in this position, Yeollie?” It’s a rhetorical question, one that Kyungsoo doesn’t want an answer to since he knows he won’t like what the giant says.

The case again is in the verb and the use of comma. "How did I end up in this position, Yeollie?” It’s a rhetorical question-one that Kyungsoo doesn’t want an answer to, since he knows he wouldn’t like what the giant would say.

Note that you should follow the timeline of the action and also the, correct use of the punctuations.

Characterization: 15/20

Your story was basically a summation of different stories, adding up to one point-the characters are basically hard to define, because they are different from what they were before. This was one of the weak points of the story. However, you wouldn’t notice it unless you actually think about it.

Like I mentioned prior to this part, you need to immerse the two characters in different times –with it, their personalities change. The time helps define the characters.

 Plus points on the semi-violence and the 'Deaths of Ian Stone'-like memory flash prose style.

Appearance: 5/5 I love your poster. The greyscale totally matches the story.

Total: 70/90

Extra Comments: I know you said on your A/N that it just started as a series of KaiSoo moments, but the way you made it into one big fic was good. Individually, they could only be considered as random drabbles -but as a whole, it could have a proper story in itself. Have you read 'Fallen'? It's the series about fallen angels and stuff. One part of it was sort of like this. The 'soul mate' thing worked for it -like in 'Vampire Diaries': their souls were meant for each other so in different lives, they meet and get together again. I'd like to see this in a longer fic :)