First of all, sorry for ranting. It's not about saving a man's life. Or even a country.

It's about my personal problem. Yeap, my screwed up love-life.

And for those who continue reading, thank you so much. I really need people to talk to. But i warned you, it's going to be a long long bored rant..

And also sorry for mistakes, english isn't my first languange so... yeah...

So, it's all began about 4 or 5 years ago. On the very first day of my college life. I met a cute guy, let's call him O from now on.

One of my friend from highschool introduce us and we exchanged numbers. Ever since then, we got very close. Texting each other from time to time.

Spending every night with a long pointless midnight-call, when we're actually going to the very same class and sits next to each other in the morning.

Along the way i realized that i like him, but i feel like he only saw me like a bestfriend rather than a girl. So i decided to keep all the feelings for my self and that's when someone came and make a move on me (let's call him A from now, fyi A, O and i are on the same circle of friends, we played together almost everyday). Long story short, A and i dated. I realized that O has been keeping a distance from me since then. A and i dated for almost a year before we broke up.

After i broke up with A, i noticed that O has been paying more attention to me like he used to before i dated A. Until a month after i broke up with A, O decided to confessed that he liked me since before i dated A. Yes, exactly when i liked him too. And that's just how dense i am. But at that time i was still in my "mourning period", it's not that i don't like him anymore. I still feel the giddiness and light headed everytime he's near, smiling like an idiot on every texts he sent, feeling my heart skipped a beat on every smile of his, all those butterflies are still there. Still, after a year of dating i need more than a month to take a breathing before jumping into another relationship. Unfortunately, O mistakenly took it as i'm playing with his feeling, putting him there as a rebound-guy, I'm not. 

At that time, me being the ignorant head i am, didn't realize the situation and thought that O understands my feelings and willing to wait until i'm ready. I didn't completely shut him out or anything, i slowly opened up and tried to get close to him again. But i feel like he's ignoring me. Well, i missed my chance once by not knowing his feelings towards me and now he's finally confessed i thought i can't just give up like that so i keep trying for about 5 to 6 months. Then i finally knew the reason why he's ignoring me. I finally knew that he thought i'm taking him as a rebound-guy. And i chose to give up.

That's when someone came and make a move on me, again. And he's my boyfriend until now, it's been almost 3 years. Let's call him Y. Y is also O's friend since middle school. Yeah i know, i need to grow my circle of friends. Exactly a month after i officialy dated Y, O confessed to a girl (also my classmate at college) and dated her until now. Since then, i never had any kind of contacts with O. Until last saturday....

I was on a wedding of one of Y's highschool friend. I was gulping down my glass of water when i saw him, O, and i choked. I remember seeing his girlfriend at the parking lot, i guess they came together. O approached Y, my boyfriend. They talked about stuffs while i'm standing frozen but sweating next to Y. Yes, he still has those effect on me even after all these years. Suddenly, Y's friend called for a group photo with their highschool friends. And there i am, left alone with O. He approached me and whispered "Seems like it's going pretty well seeing that you guys still together." And there goes my imagination, going far & far. I feel like he's implying something like he's actually waiting for me to break up with Y. I just laughed it off and he asked for my messenger ID and bade goodbye. I checked my messenger and saw his contact profile, the picture is him & his girlfriend. The next morning when i checked my messenger home, i saw his contact picture changed, it changed to a photo of himself.

I'm trying hard the urge to text him everytime i touch my phone. I've been losing sleep & thinking about him everynight since the wedding.

Exactly 5 days after the wedding, which is 2 days ago, it was 8 in the morning, i got a message from O, it's only a LINE game invitation but i'm smiling & squealing like an idiot on my pillow. I almost can't resist the urge to text him something back and start a conversation but my logic finally wins and i decided to send him another LINE game invitation. 5 minutes after that, he sent me another one and this one with a message "hehehehehehehehe". Okay, i know it's just a laugh but that means he wanted to start a conversation right?? I replied and he replied back and we texted until noon. Nothing much, just stupid stuffs like how we used to texted each other years before.

The next day, which is yesterday, i can't control my fingers, it moved on it's on will and texted him first, another stupid conversation going until he said that he's going to meet his girlfriend and he gave an sticker of a bunny saying "sssh" with a finger on it's mouth. I feel like he's saying that he knows that we're not supposed to talk with each other, he knows that his girlfriend would be mad if she knows, but he still wanted to talk to me later so we should stop for now. Yes call me delusional but i chose to believe what i believe.

I forgot something, yesterday i was on my way to grab lunch with Y when i saw a banner about UK education expo & decided to snap a pict of it remembering that O has brought up the topic of wanting to continue his study in UK and he's currently researching about it (i was planning to continue get my master degree in UK too, what a fate ?_? hahahahahaha).

Today, ever since i woke up in the morning all i did was starring at my phone waiting for his text until i remembered i haven't send him the pict of the banner about UK edu expo so i decided to sent it and he's replying this and that and again he said that he's going to meet his girlfriend and give me the exact bunny sticker again. Oh and one more thing! He replied immediately when i sent him the pict like he's actually waiting for a text from me or he's actually planning to sent one. Yes it's me being delusional again. And that was all.

WHAT SHOULD I DO NOW? Should i continue this whole 'just-being-friendly-but-confusing' texting relationship? I feel like cheating behind my boyfriend i really hate the feeling but i can't stop my stupid heart & my bird brain. It's been filled with O and O and O all the time. :_( Do you think O still likes me? Or I'm just being to caught up with my expectation and imagination? Oh God I really don't know what to do!! :-(