So, here I am. Thinking that I fallin love with a boy again. Curse it! I don't wanna feel it anymore but I can't. I can't stop it. It just appears suddenly. I don't know when I start having a feeling with him. Well, it has been a long time about more than 5 years after breaking up with my ex-boyfriend, I don't have a feeling with boys. I've decided to not have a feeling with them or not being their friend. Boys were awful. Boys were just something who always makes me feel worst. And that's true. I've kept myself away from them more than 5 years but now I can't do that anymore. They need me. I have to keep in touch with them since I'm the person-in-charge who always gives them some information from the lecturers. Then I find them that they're attractive. One of them always takes care of me. I just feel more comfortable and more safe when he is around me. Sometimes I just feel awkward and doing something stupid in front of him like when he talks to me I just feel omg what should I do? Do I look good? Do I talk properly? something like that. Then I think that I might have a feeling with him. So, once he asked me about my feeling and my bad, I just said it to him that I like him. I'm not kind of person who cannot lie or hide something. And he said that I just need to wait for him until he is ready to be my boyfriend. But I don't wanna that. I don't want he becomes my boyfriend since I know as soon as possible we'll feel bored each other then break up. I don't wanna that thing comes true. I don't want to make him mine. I just want him to make me feel safe and comfortable like usual.

After my sudden confession, I've decided to stay away from him. Hoping that my feeling will disappear asap if I keep myself away from him. So, we rarely talked each other. And bla bla bla... he gets closer and closer with a girl, my friend. They act like a couple in front of me and my heart feels like gonna explode sometimes. But I still keep my feeling. I just try to ignore them even though I know exactly what they do. And this guy, suddenly came to my house and had a short convo with me. Well, it was the first time I had a conversation like this after my sudden confession. He told me that the relationship between him and my friend were just a brother and sister. I just smiled at him that time. Since I knew he might have a feeling with her asap.

Shortly, this guy like what I said before, confessed to my friend. I knew this since my friend told me that this guy had confessed his feeling to her although she knew that I have a feeling with him. She told me that they had very good time together, spending their time in a beach, having a great holiday with him, meeting with his family, and she even told me that she felt comfortable around him. Yet she asked me what to do. I just... I didn't know what sould I say to her. She has a boyfriend whom she loves but she feels more comfortable with the guy whom I like. I just.. how could you do that? Saying that in front of me like you're an innocent girl. At that moment, I just smiled at her and gave an advice to her. I didn't feel angry of her. I'm just... how unlucky I am. After this thing happen, I try to make a happy face in front of them even though I know how hurt my heart.

And today, this guy, spending his saturday night with me. Asking me whether I still have a feeling with him or nope. And again, I made my happy face answering that I don't know if I still have it or not. I just know that I feel my heart gonna explode soon if he talks about my friend. So, here is it. What should I do?