Everything comes crashing down on me. 

I try to register the fact that I did not bring my jazz sneakers for the dance exam yesterday. 

I try to register the fact that people make mistakes, including me and I had just made a big mistake yesterday. Yet my instructors do not condone mistakes, the dance world does not condone mistakes. 

I try to accept the fact that I have been crumbling, crying, trying to strike a balance between dance and the amount of homework I have. I mouth the words, "Persist", over and over again. I guess, it's not as easy. After my illness I can hardly find the motivation to do my cross-training. So much for discipline. I doubt the fact that I can be a professional dancer, though it is probably possible. I could just get my act together, and stop playing those games, stop giving myself excuse and put myself out there. With my actions convince the instructors to accept me and train me. I can't crumble under pressure, I can't, because I know that I want it so much. 

I am crumbling, I must admit. I am weak. I have always been weak when I could not fit in with the members. My body has always been weak when I fainted, the collapsing occuring on a daily basis. It is hard, but "perservere", the word always rings in my ears. 

I guess I lost it yesterday. I cannot talk back to my instructors, I simply cannot, because they are strict yet showered me with love. I collapsed, the realization that I could be removed from the team, does jazz sneakers have such a big impact on dancers? Even when my team mate didn't bring her caps for the showcase in the studio, she didn't recieve punishment, but that is another story. Because I'm the damned senior and I know such mistakes can't be pardoned. It comes crashing down on me. Can I even face them anymore? Always met their expectations. 

At times like this, writing relieves stress. I did not eat my dinner. In fact, I remember times when I danced for 5 hours without having my dinner. Was that punishment? Or did I want to dance more, because it makes me happier than eating? It just rings in my ears, "I am irresponsible, if you're that irresponsible, how are you eligible to continue training in a competitive team?" 

Do senior dancers make such mistakes, or am I simply unfit to be a "senior"? No matter what, it happened...