Been caught in an unbearably vexing situation for the past year and it feels, blatantly put, like absolutely rubbish.

Thoughts along the line of "What do I do with my life" have been constantly haunting me every waking moment for about a year now.

Do I keep studying only to find myself behind a desk every weekday from 9-5, typing lifelessly on the keyboard for the entirety of my adult life, that is honestly not far from now?

Or do I hover in this limbo of uncertainty until realization hits me like a storm?

I don't know.

What is my calling?

I have not a speck of an idea.

Will I end up on my deathbed regretting what I didn't do when I was at the age I am now?

Probably.

Will I ever feel satisfied with my life?

Maybe not.

Its not even deep abstract thoughts about my existence that bugs me, its the very fact that I have this one existence, there are countless things to do out there in the vast world, yet here I am, lamenting that I have NOTHING to do with my life.

Some of peers, of whom I am undeniably envious of, have been aware of exactly where they want to be in life since they were kids.

"I want to be a doctor."

"I'm aiming for a Health Sciences course at Massachusetts Institute of Techonology."

"I've been offered a scholarship at Princeton, and I plan to take it up. Gosh I'm so excited."

The list goes on.

During Thanksgiving last year, I was very uncourteously bombarded with questions about my future plans.

All I could say was this,

"I'm still considering."

The look on my relatives' faces gave away their disappointment.

Was I supposed to have came up with a detailed plan of my entire life by now?

Naturally, I haven't divulged my uncertainties to anyone, simply because this is my problem to solve.

 

I like to do many things.

I've danced all my life, I like animals, I like photography, I like acting, I like singing, I like writing.

Am I able to do any one of these things for the rest of my life?

No.

I'd have to be the daughter my parents always wanted.

The witty lawyer.

The outstanding news reporter.

Rightfully speaking, its my life and I choose what I want to do with it, right?

Problem being, my life doesn't all belong to me.

It belongs to everyone else who cares about me, to the hopes they've pinned on me. 

To good riddance with all the half-assed quotes about doing big and dreaming bigger.

I don't belong just to me.

I used to spend my days fantasizing about my future job that I'd love.

But as I grew older, reality starts knocking me at the back of my head with a hammer to remind me,

Hey, dancing will get you no where. Grow up.

So I wake up from the dream, only to find myself in this tangled mess of unmade decisions and endless disclarity.

Where am I going in life?

So I guess my unique existential crisis is, since what I would like to do wouldn't be what anyone would want or allow me doing, what am I going to do?

Amongst all the "ideal" professions that I have no interest in whatsoever, which am I going to choose?

So many do's, so many don't's.

I feel myself slipping deeper and deeper into a dark abyss I single-handedly created for myself.

Not feeling suicidal as of now, so I guess the greater universe isn't done messing with me yet.