I know I promised to write about blog posts for topics like beauty standards, and many other things but I don't care. I just wanted to blog about how I feel about dance. I am scheduled to return to the dance team this week (though I started my lessons last week). There has been many changes to the team during these months--testing of skills, new members coming in, and old members going, and a Singaporean team leader (though he is still years older than me and we can't relate, but whatever). 

I start to like my dance instructor's words. When he talks about precision in dance, when he talks about how dancers change as we practise more, when he talks about how he treats his disciples (he hits them whenever they make mistakes in dance moves but they become much better). I just hope it stays this way (though it would obviously change once I go for training ._.) and it is just my wishful thinking but whatever. 

I guess I have returned with renewed hope that I will be a professional dancer. Especially with an opportunity to dance for this photoshoot event with 4 other team members. I was excited, simply excited that I could not eat (and vomited a bit but I still danced), but I was not nervous at all when I went up and danced. In fact, I felt great, and collapsed immediately after the dancing not because of my condition, but because I have really pushed myself to the limits. 

They say I dance well and I asked them, "But I didn't dance as well as my senior (one who is training professionally), did I?". They replied, "He is training professionally, isn't he?" but I heard it as, "Are you training professionally?" It sounds different when translated, but in Chinese, the words are so similar and I asked, "Really? Did I dance that well?" 

Did I hear it wrongly because I want to be a professional dancer that much? Even though it was just a dance for a song, but the experience was just more than that, it was excitement, I could feel myself making expressions as I danced. And I know who I want to be, when I see my instructors, when I see my senior, when I watch a performance, and most importantly, when I perform. 

It is a good thing, and I hope my excitement stays this way. Meanwhile I feel left out as the new team mates have bonded with a member I am close to. This member's skills have improved tremendously while mine has deteriorated. It is still comforting to know that she feels inferior at times, because at least, there is one person who understands what I feel now. I could give her support, while she can give me strength. The new team mates are seriously talented. And I am jealous that they have talent that I did not have but being a senior who has been there months before they joined, I can say that talent does not really give them an advantage. Talented people do not become professional dancers. Only those who are passionate and have an ambition to be a professional dancer--those who would really sacrifice many things for dance-- will be one.

And I really wish I am one of those people. Because there are talented members who does not want to be professional dancers, and talented members who cannot stand the harsh training. Can I stand that training? Will the instructors accept me?

(And I do wish with all my heart that I am that senior who is becoming a professional dancer, because somehow there are many reasons as to why I cannot be one at all. Or I wish I can be my sister, she is honing her skills at a programme supported by the government, while I am thinking about my parents trying to pay for my dance fees.)