My team mates treat me well, but honestly I would prefer to be friends with a dancer as young as I. They are nice, but I feel that they just see me as a kid. I try hard to be an adult, to fit in, but sometimes they talk among themselves about work and education, and I can't relate to all of them, so I just listen. 

I remember when I have just joined the team, the dance instructor remarked that I was rude. I did not know any better, and sought advice from a counsellor. She told me to imitate them, fake it till I make it. I guess that's really great advice. Am I a coward? I had tried to be unconfident just because I did not want them to criticize me again. 

It might still hurt, and I read the diary entries from last year. I guess I received some kind of comfort whenever I go to dance lessons because the elite team members thought that I was a good dancer and followed my moves. 

Fake it till I make it, and the dance instructors thought I was a well-mannered student after some time. Yet it is hard to keep on pretending. How I wish I was really well-mannered, but I know that I can't change myself. Seeing all the elite team members being removed because of their "misbehaviour" makes me scared. I did not want to leave the team and I loved it, hence I got really unconfident, scared of the remarks. 

I didn't really practice back then. I know it is not because of my poor health (I did not faint as much the last time, but I remembered that I tried to induce hypoventilation). I remember some time when I collapsed after dancing and the instructor saying, "If you're unwell go to rest." 

Will they be able to relate to me? Can you relate to me? Can you talk to me about the details of the dance moves-how much must my knees bend, how high must I raise my knees, what were your feelings when you did that particular move, why didn't I do it well?

I guess I still would not practice now. It is strange, my mom says I can go back to dance, but I still stagger while walking. Will I stagger and faint? I did not rest for 5 months to faint again, but will I faint? 

Can I brace myself for the harsh words that the dance instructor will say to me, can I admit that what he did was for my good? Will the team mates laugh at me? Will they take my problems seriously, will they know why I am feeling like this? I can be happy, and I do not have to consider that problem, but I am still worried. 

There were a few instances when I went to the dance studio secretly and see my senior and my dance instructors. I would see him training, and I have received news that he is receiving additional lessons at some other dance academy. Somehow I am saddened, but I also want to follow in his footsteps, heck I have been thinking about it ever since I saw an amazing performance at the academy my dance instructors graduated in. Marvelous, really. 

Can I follow in his footsteps? Will I practice? I will, for I want to be a professional dancer, I want to dance, and perhaps get another opportunity to perform, and one day get an opportunity to compete. 

Perhaps my team mates' mocking does not matter, perhaps the taunting and criticism does not matter, for I know that I will cling onto this team, and as long as my dance instructors do not put me out of the team. 

Why did my dance instructors even put me in the team in the first place? I wasn't well-mannered, I did not practice, and my skills weren't any better. What was it that they saw in me? 

On a side note, I have been stretching ever since the June holidays but still am not getting my splits. It is getting frustrating, and I do not even know how to ensure that my hips are square. I have also read that whether your hips are square or not does not matter.