bu really, like, about his type of girlfriend. he never mention specific hair length like suho did, and everytime he answer such questions his answers are vague like, 'I like someone with pretty smile', and such and I dont know I'm being paranoid and I'm not a micro expression reader or expert or anythng, I can't even read people right but the more I think about it the more its possible.

i sort of look up to him a lot. I do fan girl over him but I never scream off how cute he is because thats not how i see him, he is really kind and polite and composed, and his self control is impossible, there are so many things in him that I want to have, like his confidence in saying he'll be the worlds best singer and such, and his musicality is pretty sick too. and like, he's very cautious, you know? he thinks of what hes gonna say very carefully and I just want to be able to do that, and sing like him and have the ability to swoon people like he did, too. I think he's perfect not in a squishy-cute kind of way (he is, im not denying it) but really like, he is such an entertainer and I can see him do so much more, be much much bigger. 

and I know this blog post will insult some people out there because what's so ing wrong about being gay?

I.. if I know from the beginning that someone is gay I'm sure its fine. no okay that really not the case.

I came from a very... conservative environment. like, not in an extreme way that girls and guys can't touch but, like, the majority of my people are conservative, to the point wearing short pants to the shopping arcades or out in the open is not okay, doesnt matter how expensive those short pants are.

Do i have gay friends yes, and yeah by 'friends' I mean we hang out and nope, my parents dont know about this fact. theyboth think my friends (all of them) are goodie two shoes and all. I got gay friends from choir and dang do they sound awesome.

I'm not making any sense do i.

lets just say... the people around me thinks of things all black and white. theres a clear line between right and wrong and it is religion.

I do think religion is good, its like the only thing you can hold on to when there's nothing else left for you.

but I also dont see things all black and white anymore. ever since I'm in the fandom all I see is just things are.. different. some people do every night with different people, some people are priest. People are just different with each other, I dont see the priest right because he sure sinned sometimes in his life and the addict wrong because he sure did some good deeds that maybe he didnt tell people.

Thats how Is see things. when it comes to me though, I set all the lines back on. (I'm a hipocrite, aint i?) I dont do I dont go drunk, I tried to do my best not to do things religion ask me not to. when it comes to me I applied right and wrong all over again, when it comes to me I'd rather break than bend.

So hows all these have anything to do with d.o

as I told you, I look up to him so badly. I want to be like him. So anything about him i take it all personal. Meaning I do the black and white all over again. And the rumors that he probably gay... also when its gay I tend to attach 'free ' with it and just.. yeah. I'm ed up. and then this picture happened.

I'm trying to accept it though. That the person I look up to is probably gay and not as perfect as how I think of him and I'm being very rude right now, I know. its just hard. Its really hard. seven months ago I dont even know how you do as husband and wife and now I have tumblr and the dashboard is currently 'GAY GAY GAY' and 'Y Y Y' and ' THATS ' and yesterday i saw this post with links of gay videos starring exo look alikes.

I'm just... this whole changing of perspective is scary as it is and now D.O is really gay and I'm loosing my grip in life in general and I'm just sad. I love him so much.

I write and read him gay with kai because its cute and bromance is just not enough, and I'm lunatic and delusional and I know that, but I actually prefer it that way because now it seems like its not all delusion anymore and I'm scared.

i visit a blog this morning that just like, analized the interaction between the two concluding that they are actually a gay couple and it sort of brain washed me because dang all that she said makes too many sense and I freaked out and I just have to pour it all out somewhere.

bye.

please dont hate me.