Confessions

Confession number one.

I'm always afraid of losing the only people that are close to me. Everyday I fight to be a better person and make them happy so they won't leave me or be dissipointed. I don't know what I'd do if I lose my family or the small amount of friends I've managed to keep.

 

Confession number two.

Kpop has done so much for me. I didn't used to be a very happy person. Music always made me feel better, but when I could understand the music, it hurt me even more. I would cry constantly and be depressing. Since my friend introduced me to kpop, my life changed and I'm a happier person. This doesn't mean the depressing feeling is gone, but it isn't hurting me as much and when I''m sad, I listen to kpop.

 

Confession number three.

Lately I feel as if my best friend could find a better best friend than me. She deserves much more. We're pretty different people, but so similar. I'll never find a friend like her, but I'm afraid I'll lose her soon.

 

Confession number four. 

I can't sleep with socks on. I know this isn't as deep as the first three, but I'm serious. I can't do it.

 

Confession number five.

I always feel like someone is watching me. My house, especially my room, freaks me out. I hate being alone in my room at night. The attic entrance is in my closet and that makes everything worse. I share a room, but it still freaks me out.

 

Confession number six.

I am needy of attention. I'm not sure what else to say.

 

Confession number seven.

Even though I'm still kind of scared what people will think of me (not as much as I used to) I am really honest about my opinions. (if asked)

 

Confession number eight.

I ALWAYS have to pee. You probably didn't want to know that, but I'm serious. ALWAYS. 

 

Confession number nine.

If I'm really angry, I'll cry. I'll cry a lot. 

 

Confession number ten. 

Even though I have a VERY diverse school, and there are people that travel across the world to go there, the racist comments don't stop. I hate it. I wish people would just stop being douche bags and move on with their lives. Making fun of people doesn't make you a better person.

 

That's all of my confessions today. 

OH! So, I recently learned that I am French-Irish and Scotts-Irish. That's a lot of Irish. My grandma is surprised that my hair isn't really red. It has a very red tint to it, but it's SUPER dark brown, light brown and has some blonde/red in it. Hmm. Oh well. I like it. 

Anyway, thought I should share some useless information with you. 

I also just posted a new story. It's MirHo if you're interested.

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DragonG #1
dongsaeng, your confessions make me feel honored that you can tell us them :) you don't have to change who you are to be loved, just understand that. don't make yourself uncomfortable for the sake of others
-Angela-Zhang- #2
Also, being a better person, in my opinion, should never be a fight. It's something that occurs gradually and gently- in taking a step back and observing the world around you with a calm, and objective person, look where you can improve. Reflect about how you can better your relationships with others and do so little by little. There's no need to please others- you need to be comfortable with yourself. I think many of us often feel the need to be the "entertainer" of the group; often taking silence as a sign of awkwardness. But good friends are comfortable in these pauses; try taking a back seat in your interactions; try to speak only when spoken to, make poignant comments; let yourself breath and be who you really are. Social interactions doesn't need to be a heart-racing situation of constant dynamics :)
And I think that your family is the last group of people that you have to worry about abandoning or leaving you. They have been with you and a part of your daily life for many years and although there might be differences in beliefs and conflicts of interest, there is always the solid fact that they are family.
I personally prefer music that I can't understand the lyrics to, as well. I think this is because some words can stir such emotion that it's almost disturbing. It's often difficult to find a moment of calm in our day to day life, and listening to a song, being touched only with the power of the melody and creating your own meaning to the music really does serve as effective therapy ^^ Each individual has such intense emotions, already, that it's difficult to make room for someone else's.
I can't sleep with socks on, either ^_^'
-Angela-Zhang- #3
To address all your confessions about your fear of not being good enough...
You're not alone in that kind of feeling :) Lots of people feel the same way. In fact, I have a friend right now who's been so good to me in the few months we've known each other, and has provided me with an example of what a friend should really be like. His kindness, sensitivity, honesty, humility and respect for those around him at times makes me feel as though I am lacking in these qualities, and that he ought to have a much better friend than I. But, in making me evaluate myself as a person, his example motivates me to be a more constructive and positive member of society. I think that we are often times so fixated on our faults and shortcomings that we fail to appreciate what makes us who we are; and that we forget the simple fact that, if our friends really didn't think us to be compatible with them, they would have shown signs of not wanting to associate with us anymore. Simply put, there's a reason why your best friend is your best friend-I bet she sees positive qualities in you that you might not notice :) My friend has given me a feeling of acceptance of who I am and liberation to choose to work towards being a better person; in short, the way that he lives his life makes him a "role model" of sorts, to me, and helps me to realize what I need to work on. But this same friendship gives me confidence that I have the ability to be a better person, and that there is someone who is patient with me and likes me for who I am.
This is probably the reality of your situation with your friend, too. It's perfectly natural to fear losing those who are important to us- but trust in the friendship, for a true friendship always implicates trust :)
viennax #4
I can sort of relate to you in confessions #1, 5, and 7. For the first one, I feel as if I always have to entertain others by like constantly talking and thinking up a fact to share. I'm getting more used to being outgoing, but there is that constant nagging at the back of my head that I have to do more if I don't want to lose others.

For five, I get scared less sometimes if I watch like a UFO documentary. I don't know why, but it gives me the chills and makes me assume that an alien's gonna step through my door and abduct me (yeaa go figure, makes me look like a or something). And sometimes I feel that there's a serial killer inside my house, even though its locked and whatnot.

Seven is probably the biggest irks that bug me a lot. It's kind of the same with me, because I used to be afraid of posting comments and whatnot on forums and on this website too. And its the same that I voice out my honest opinions on like a certain subject, even though I figured it might garner some negative consequences (but that usually doesn't happen so I'm relieved).
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