Like this is really really personal and normally I wouldn't share it in my virtual life but it's really late now and my supposedly real life friends are all sleeping and such and I am still crying so I just really want to get this rock off my heart.

So you know that feeling you have, when you care about your friend a lot a lot but she doesn't pay you the same amount of respect that you pay her. I've been getting that feeling frequently lately, you can call me an attention seeking if you'd like but it's just how I feel. My friend and I got into a fight just a few days ago, there was another fight a week ago but I forgave her the moment she said sorry since I am a wimp. This one though I don't plan to end it that easily since I really want her to understand what I am feeling. And I am not the kind of person to be straightforward so this was the way that I choose to make her learn the lesson, yes that means I am giving her the silence treatment.

Silence treatment is kind of a way of meditating for me. I have slight anger management issues, not the normal kind but the kind that I let everything bottles up inside of me and then my heart does this weird thing like it actually hurts a lot, I am not even exaggerating here, then it eventually gets let out like a nuclear bomb, the extra nuclear kind, am I even making sense right now? So by giving her the silence treatment I want her to learn how to respect me, just a tiny tiny bit more would be nice, and for me to meditate so my anger isn't as bad as before.

It was really hard to do because she's basically everywhere, on tumblr, on twitter, and even here on AFF. I was debating whether or not to remove her as a friend because I needed to post this blog post and I don't really want her to see it but considering that she's a very sensitive person I decided not to. I suddenly felt like I just let her in every part of my life, and I felt guity too because I felt like even my best of all best friends isn't like what her and I are like - having each other as friends on every social network sites we own. I can't stop thinking about this issue because her username appears everywhere I go and I started sleeping more, which is bad because well, school is starting soon.

Her friend... well, our mutual friend, but I'd like to refer her as "her friend", or let's call her friend B so we don't get messed up, messaged me again on Facebook to have a chat about this. Last time we did friend B said she wouldn't take sides and I was really grateful even though I could feel her hinting that I should just forgive that friend of ours first. I appreciate her trying to hide it as much as she could so I didn't say too much of my opinions either, which is still a lot... yes I have a lot of opinions about things. This time she didn't try to hide anything. Basically in every sentence she was repeating the same thing "forgive her" "just step down first." The whole point of this was to let that friend of ours learn a lesson, so I told friend B and that I don't want to do so until she learned that she has to respect her friends too. I knew that friend B felt the same about it because that friend makes her mad at times too, and we both know it. Still friend B kept trying to tell me to forgive her. Don't get me wrong, friend B is a wonderful friend, to her, but not for me. You know why? because it's pretty obvious that she took the other person's side now. It was upsetting for me because I just really needed someone who is willing to take my side or not take sides at all to listen to my rants. Friend B told me that the friend is too "airheaded" and she needed people to spell things out for her many times, I told her that it was exactly what I was doing, the silence treatment is pretty obvious isn't it? Friend B said that that wasn't what she meant. Then she told me that I should stop being nice to that friend, because it obviously isn't getting anywhere. I know she was probably right about that, but the way she said it straightforwardly was shocking, she completely flipped my morals in almost everything. I'll put it in a better way to understand for you guys, it basically felt like (to me at least) waking up one day and having the society tell you that stealing is okay, that killing is okay. I didn't know how to respond so I simply told her "you're confusing me, and you're conflicting yourself too."

I mean I tried to be strong, really I did. Although I think that by now you guys probably think of me as a whiny little crybaby, and to tell the truth I'd be delighted to be called that. Why? Because I am a freaking baby! for gods sake my friends are all either a year or a two older than me. I appreciate friend B taking her side and babying her but she doesn't realize that I am the one who needs the babying and I am the one who is the youngest and I am the one who is the least mature. According to friend B I don't show it, I act too mature and too kind and I basically bought this whole suffering to myself. Of course she didn't say it that way, I am just being overly dramatic and this is the way I view it. She may or may not realize what huge impact her words have on me. To the point that I couldn't take it anymore so when she told me that it's better if we talk face to face and not over messages I replied back that no thank you because I am already crying right now so it doesn't make things better if I end up making a fool out of myself in front of you. Then I wrote this post... It's hella long and I know that most people aren't even going to read it, but if you actually read till this point I just want to say thank you. It's good to think or feel that someone is here to listen right now. I don't know if I want that friend to read this or not, I have a feeling of what she will feel when she reads this (not positively) but right now I couldn't care less because when does she ever reads anything? My fanfics that I asked her to read? Never. Her fanfics that she asked me to read? I read them all the time.

This is probably the most dramatic thing that had happened between my friends and I in five years. The fact that I am crying so hard right now and with no one in real life to share with this instant is just really bitter.