I don't know if this is even "legitimate" self-harm. I remember that I used to self-harm by using rubber bands. I don't even know if using ice cubes is considered self-harm. I remember the fascination when my hands felt like ice. Not because it was cold, but because it "thaws", as I put those hands under running water.

When I first got criticised by the dance instructor, I reacted negatively to it. I guess my emotions got the better of me. Even when I knew he was right, I still felt hurt. Very hurt. It took some time (I forgot how long) to realize that he was right, and he had a reason to why he was doing this - it was for my good. 

Anyway, I walked to the toilet (because that was a way to combat my dizziness). I went to the toilet, cried for a while, and contemplated to hit my head against any hard surface. It would create a loud sound that would probably attract attention, so I did not do it. 

Somehow, I went to the sink, gargled some of the water until I felt nauseous. I did not really vomit, but it still felt good. I wonder if this is self-harm. 

I imagine myself sitting with the team mates during a meeting and the dance instructor criticizing me. I'm sure I wouldn't know if that criticism was constructive because of the emotions. I imagine myself hiding a sharp object in my pocket, using that thing to cut my finger. I imagine finding out that a team mate as young as me (there isn't a 13 year old team mate yet) also self harms and we do it together. It's destructive, and I am trying to control those thoughts. 

After all, will the pain really stop the criticism? No, it wouldn't. There will be another person like my dance instructor, but I guess I desperately needed to cope. I do not use the ice cubes or the rubber bands anymore, and I feel happy for that. 

I did not tell any of my family members because they wouldn't understand. I told a close friend about that but I did not focus on the subject so I guess she forgot it. 

I wonder if I will really self-harm when he criticizes me again. If that happens, I can't use ice cubes, and I doubt I'll use a knife. I wonder how else will I cope. Will I be helpless like the last time? I wonder if I will really take a knife and cut myself if I did not join the team. I remember something that I typed out,"I did not try using a knife because the scars will be visible when I wear the leotard."

Is this legitimate self-harm, or am I just doing this for attention-seeking?