The Calm Of Being Alone
that past.
how we started, if i could erase it all...i really would.
i've tried to erase everything. from the moment i met him. i realized it could have started differently. it was wrong to have started the way we did when i felt so much for him so immediately, so suddenly. my feelings were never wrong of him. it was my indecision that killed us. maybe i am horribly wrong for anyone. and even this sabbatical isn't helping me erase that past. instead it made me dwell on what went wrong. was it me and my hesitation. or his utter lack of fidelity and patience for me. that part of me, that tainted past. the desecrated history. he knew only half of it, yet he accepted me still. but after he was gone...i'm nothing more than his twisted toy, on the last page of his own twisted chapter. his story goes on, but mine rereads the same words every single day. and throwing to him my final darkness as a desperate attempt to regain my dignity after his selfishly ironic and moronic words oh is wall haunted me in my hiatus, i realized he changed like a spinning coin. whether it was something he find a habit to do, or did just for my own good to hate him. between him and me, we both may have made it worse. we've definitely made it possible to push each other away. no, i don't know who's fault this is. his. mine. he's ended it. we've ended it. it was short-lived but worthwhile, somewhat. i bare what i could to him. and more. even after the breakup. whether he was honestly telling me truths, is something God will have judge on one day. but to this day, i cannot tell whole truths to anyone else...because of him. what of me i speak of to you, is nothing compared to what he knows of me. i could only trust his words, that we both will keep each other's secrets till none of us exist.
what retains is that one rare glimpse of a precious memory.
that time in the garden. when it was nothing else but us, music in our ears, the breeze and the sunset. and the ipod he kept. till today.
if he would allow that one memory to say, and nothing else to remain.
i would be most grateful.
most thankful.
most peaceful to let go.
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