Rant #01

       Emotions and the Meaning of a Fan

Well . . . here it is my first rant on asianfanfics. (It was bound to happen sooner or later.) A few years ago, SM Entertainment founded this group, you see. They were called DBSK for Dong Bang Shin Ki. The meaning? The Rising Gods of the East. True to their name they swept up all of the rookie awards their first year as a group and went on to win many more after that. From there, they built up a loyal fan base boasting a record high 800,000 and landing them in the Guinesses Book of World Records for largest fan club. Their successes didn't stop there. They released more albums and with it a steady stream of loyal fans willing to stand by them 'til thick and thin.

What is the meaning of a "fan"? According to the World English Dictionary, it is a term defined as an enthusiastic devotee, follower, or admirer. Such a small word with such a range of interchangeable definitions. To some, yes, it is a supporter of your favorite soccer team, or maybe your favorite music group, but becoming a Cassie has altered the definition to the point of oblivion for me. To me, being a fan isn't just about liking their music, it's so much more now.

Being a fan is listening to their music hours on end without becoming bored of it because there's just something about it that pulls you in and doesn't let go.

Being a fan is supporting them because their music inspires you.

Being a fan is loving them unconditionally despite their flaws and little perks about them people often overlook.

Being a fan is without hesitating, showing all your friends their songs, videos, and pictures on your i-pod because you're proud of them.

Being a fan is keeping the faith; that even if you weren't the first fan,  you'll be there until the very end.

I've never met a fandom quite like this one.

I've never met people who inspired me so much. 

Have you ever been in a slump so deep you just couldn't pull yourself out of it? One of those profound holes, where emotions run too deep? I have. A lot of people have. And if you haven't . . . lucky you. I was one of the millions who couldn't get back up even with friends to support me. I guess I just had this condition. Have you heard of it? It's called Alexithymia. And it's a condition where the owner has difficulty describing their feelings to other people. Does it sound familiar? Not the word. The feeling? Does it bring back memories of a time when you were feeling so hurt you just wanted to . . . disappear? 

Well, if you have, we can relate. This is my story. Maybe you can tell me yours and we can get through this together. Sometimes the hurt feels so overwhelming it suffocates me. Tell me your story. There's nothing wrong with sharing.

I imagine if I actually said this aloud adults would laugh, pat my head, tell me I'm too young to be feeling this way, then send me on my merry way. But they're wrong. You know, the age for doing things has been dropping lately. Is it that surprising when someone like me feels this emotional? No. I don't think so. Let's start shall we?

Parents. Everybody was brought into this world by them, right? They take care of you until you've learnt enough to go out on your own and start your own family. They teach you how to care, how to function; the simple tasks. But what else is it that they teach you? Think hard, but not too hard. They teach you to do your very best whether it be at school or when you're out in public, right? Well for me, I don't think ever putting my best foot forward was such a great idea. I was the girl in pigtails back in second grade, who dressed cleanly and properly in my Catholic School uniform everyday. I was the quiet girl who sat at the corner of the room, reading a book to pass the time, unless I was talking to close friends. I was the little girl who wanted to make her parents proud, do my best for them because I was obligated to.

I never failed to keep my grades above a 95.

I never failed to receive awards at year end ceremonies.

I never failed to attend soccer practice everyday after school.

I never failed to travel beyond expectations.

I never failed to make my parents expect more each time I came home with a report card.

I never failed to work harder at my grades because I didn't want to disappoint them.

I never failed to miss out on elementary school because I was too caught up in studying.

I never failed to be the lonely girl looking out her window when everyone was playing outside.

I never failed to push myself past my limit when even I didn't realize it.

And what did they do?

Eight years old, mom scorned my weight, ignoring my 'Student of the Month' award I came home so excited to show her. Thirteen years old, scorning flew to new heights. "Why can't you lose some weight? You're so fat, no one would want to look at you." I weighed less than ninety pounds. "Why can't you try to exercise more? Look at those girls! Don't you want to be like them?" I played soccer and ran track back to back on top of my honors classes, isn't that too excessive? "Do you want to grow up looking like that lady? Of course not. Lose some weight and work harder at school." Fifteen years old, no self-esteem. Do you like what you've done?

When his cell phone vibrated signaling a text from an unknown number, I knew something was wrong. I should've known, daddy wasn't always truthful, daddy's sometimes lie. Back then they called it an affair. Right now, it still goes by the same name. When he smiles its a lie too. He's just looking at you pointing out your flaws to himself. Lies. Lies. Lies. Is that what families are built on these days? Lies? 

I felt like utter . Even those plastic dolls looked like they had more emotion than me. But then something changed. I was introduced to someone. Someones. Five boys, with an average height of 184 centimeters who sang with so much soul it was gut wrenching.

Yoochun, who's emotions ran so freely I often wondered how he was strong enough to keep them so secure: I found someone who was stronger than me in the sense that he could fool someone into thinking he was okay when it was obviously a gimmick. (I later learned it was a trait all the boys possessed. They hid everything so well . . .)

Jaejoong, who's eyes looked as though they had gone through so much at the age of 24; I found someone who was more mature than his age suggested.

Changmin, who never failed to surprise me; I found that no matter what, appearances don't matter, being the maknae was just a cover, right? You were hiding all that talent under your belt, it felt like you were doing it because you wanted to put the others in the spotlight before yourself.

Yunho, who's leadership was something else; I found myself immersed in how you did it all. DBSK's fearless leader. You carried so much on your shoulders. I'm sorry you had no one to help you carry it all.

And Junsu, oh, Junsu. Where do I begin? Should I start with your personality? Your appearance? Your offstage persona compared to your onstage persona? No. It would only be befitting to end with you. I never felt so much emotion radiate off a person during a song; I found, it's more satisfying to scrape through each layer of a person and get to know them that way. 

You pulled me out of the slump. Thank-you, forever, I'll keep you with me. Even if five become two or three, you will never amount to zero. Never. You pulled this girl out of her slump, did you think I was going to let you fall into your own? No. Never. So keep fighting because I'm sure there are other people out there who you reached out to, that are trying to help you back up too. We're here. We're here.

Always Keep the Faith,

xLastXAngelx