im so so close close to breaking down right now, well i am. yeah, so basically, the title said it all, it is my first time to write a blog post, but its just that i cant handle my feelings anymore that i just need to you know, sorta "comfort" myself by ranting writing . so of anyone or somebody out there read this post well thankyou and sorry for sharing my depressions.. its just that i can’t cry, or scream or i dont know.im so mad right now i just can’t think straight.

me and my friends, well college friends exactly, since were only 5 girls in our class, so it was natural that we bacame a group right? so there. its not that im insecure or anything but i always feel that i was left out,  one of the reasons is that im different, i am the only one who's into k pop , manga, anime, reading ,so naturally they dont understand me, thay think im wierd liking kpop like that etc, while they all have same interests and point of view so i just try really really hard to adjust and cope up. there are so so much incidence that i've been left out but im not gonna mention it right now, because if i did, i might end up writing till morning, right now its 9:26pm.

so back to the main story aka problem.

today our class was cancelled so we just decided to go to a public library for research, for our thesis,we planned to meet up at 10am, my friend (let’s call her friend B) , friend b was already at our school  ( our school was near to the state university but you still need to take a ride) because she didn’t know that we don’t had a class so she was still in her uniform so when she was informed she's already on her way.  she was the one who proposed the meet up, i asked her if she already got the letter that we need to show to the library, she told my that my friend (the one that im closest to let’s give her a nickname as friend A) told her to wait for her so that they will get the letter together. Being the idiotic me who doesnt want anyone to wait for her, i arrived at exactly 9:45am at a nearby fastfood chain, kfc  near the state university where the library was located, i texted my friend, friend A that im already there, then i texted the others as well, i waited for kinda 15 plus minutes OUTSIDE, why? because i was thinking that im not gonna wait for a long time and besides its too crowded inside, take note it was scorging hot today that i feel that im gonna faint at any moment because im really, really sensitive to heat. another thing is that there is a guy near me that i really want to punch coz he was smoking and i thought im gonna end up having lung cancer beacause he's smoking too much and the smoke was directly at me, back to the story, she arrived smiling as always, coz seriously she always laugh or smile at anything that sometimes it annoys me, but still i like her because she's my friend.  she told me to text friend b that she was with me  then friend b texted me that, "didn’t she told me to wait for her?" i can sence that friend b is mad at friend A, i dont want any arguments so i told her that it was just a misunderstanding, but im kinda pissed off at friend A because she's always like that, like an airhead, an idiot, but i know she's not, i just don’t know i had a feeling that shes just acting like one,  i told her that friend b was mad at her so friend a decided to call friend b, after the call, she told me that friend b didn’t answered her but our other friend, let’s call her friend c, because  friend b was mad at her, I was like hello it was only natural that she was mad at you because you told her to wait for you but you didn’t came,  she then told me that she’ll go to the bank near our school where friend b and c are located coz she needed to withdraw her allowance,  she asked me if I wanted to come with her but I was really dizzy because it was so hot, so I told her ill just wait for her and also because friend b texted me to just wait for them, then friend a told me “okay, I’ll just get my money, wait for me,”  so I said okay, I was willing to wait because I know she’ll be here in just a short time,

guys, I waited like15 minutes more, I was texting them but they didn’t reply at all, I was kinda scared because there are street children around and I was traumatized because there was a time that my phone was almost snatched by kids like them, I decided to take a walk, I went to mcdonald’s but it crowded so I just went to kfc again, I was annoyed because I’ve always hated being alone, im scared being alone,  and the street children are pestering me so I just walked AGAIN and went to 7/11, I bought a drink , im really thirsty like hello ive been waiting for almost  2 hours already , thank god I had my earphones with me or else im really gonna lose my mind, finally there was a message, friend a texted me, do you know what she said? :” hey aren’t you really going here?haha” (God she’s already at my school together with friend b and c) so my initial reaction was, WTF, didn’t you told me to wait for you here? And hello guys you told me to wait for you here! If you told me earlier I should’ve just go there!  I texted that to her, ALL CAPS, you can’t blame me, im really annoyed coz ive already waited for a long time, after some time friend b also texted me “hey, friend D (my other friend) was on her way there, wait for her okay? Poor you” and I nearly snapped so I texted her “ seriously I just want to go home,” then she replied “why? it’ll be pitiful if  Friend d arrives there and you’re not there you know,”  I was like gosh wtf and I replied “who’s the pitiful one? Isn’t me? Ive already waited here for a long time you know! “ again ALLCAPS thane another “if not for that stupid thesis I’d rather go home than rot in here!” then she replied “ its up to you, im doing a favor for you, im looking for some books for your study you know”  I was like I didn’t asked you to do that for me, I just want you to text me and tell me what going on. I was on the verge of crying but i know it’s a public place so I stopped.  Then friend a texted me again “didn’t I asked you to come with me? I told you im going here” SHE DIDN’T TOLD ME THAT! I decided not to reply on that, there I’ve waited again  it was already 11 :21 finally friend D arrived but I was so mad that I didn’t talked to her, I feel bad, yes, but I was just so mad,  friend d being talkative continues to talked nonstop until it was already 12pm,.Goodness that why im really hungry! Ive already waited for 2 hours! After another  10 agonizing minutes we both received a text from friend c, telling that they are already in kfc, but when we went there were no signs of them, another text, telling that they’re at McDonalds. Okay, I wanna slash their neck off, well not literally.

When we arrived there, the 3 girls are laughing their off! It made me mad even more, I was alone and looked stupid for almost 2 hours while you guys just enjoyed telling stupid jokes to each other?! There I was really mad that I didn’t talked to them, I just gave the envelope to friend b (one of the reason we met up because she borrowed money from me) I ordered by myself  and eat silently at the corner while they are still laughing at some guy that looked funny and some Korean that wore short shorts. Then I received a text from friend B asking if I am mad at her and she’s sorry, and also that she’s still kinda mad at friend a right now that’s why she’s also quiet. I felt bad so I told her that im sorry too and that im not mad I was just pissed off, and I don’t want to speak because knowing myself, my mouth first before I think, and I don’t wanna have any arguments anymore, it was weird that friend a was not looking at me or anything and I thought is she the one who’s mad at me? When she’s at fault? But again I let it slide.

I felt bad and I can’t hate them forever so after sometime I decided to mingle and talked to them, it was okay, until well, I thought everything was okay but it’s not, it was already 3 in the afternoon and we already finished our research and call it a day, friend a was looking for a phone booth and I told her I saw one near the stairs, friend b and c went with her, and friend d asked me to accompany her to get  ride because she didn’t know the way, and because im always at that university because most of my high school friends are there. Before we go I shouted to them to stay near the booth and ill be right back, but when I came back there were no signs of them, I literally searched everywhere near that booth but they are nowhere to be found, I decided to go to the guard house, it was where the exit is located and also our id’s are there but they are not there, I went back again at the booth, it was kinda long walk guys, and im tired, again im starting to get annoyed, adding to it was there was no signal so I can’t call or text them I searched agai, stand near the booth like a looser, again everyone was looking at me again , and then my thoughts lead me in the comfort room, remembering that I told them that I want to go there because you know, and there! I saw them, laughing again, I was pissed off for the 9^th time that day that I told them, “why didn’t you wait for me? I searched for you guys, and this school is not a joke, its really big!” and they said “we didn’t heard that!” but then friend A said, I heard you but I thought were still on the same floor near the booth so I thought its okay, “ and I said “ no its not! Aren’t you thinking?  I can’t find you if you’re here! “ and I walked out, the walked was quiet, then I heard friend b told friend a “why didn’t you texted her?” and she said “ well I’m sorry, were just near the booth you know!” I guess it’s just me who’s quiet after all, and then friend a , walked passed me like she was mad, the thing was, friend a and me always go home together for almost 3 years! Coz we had the same route home, while walking I told them that im going to buy something because my aunt texted me, and friend b told me that she would buy something too, and also friend a was with us too, after she bought a drink, she literally fled, I mean I was walking with her but she didn’t bother to look or talk to me like im the one who’s at fault like I’m the one who has no right to be mad and im not the only one that the world revolves at!  And there! I was mad! My string of patience was cut off! I left her and went home alone.

Until now she didn’t texted me or msg me on fb and then I saw her post just a minute ago : “some things are better left unsaid—feeling tired”  and my friend c replied to her some joke about its alright you can do it,

I know they’ve already talked about me, ive known them since 1^st year and im already 4^th year so I knew them.  I know I was at fault too, but I don’t know im just mad at them especially at friend a, today I’ve realized that after all friend d is a kind friend tho sometimes I judged her because of her personality, and together with my other friends talked behind her back which makes me sorry for her, but today ive realized its better to be with her than to be with those who pretends, honestly, I also feel bad about the people around me, just because a person looks innocent, or the one who can be bullied type, it doesn’t mean she is like that, honestly, people thinks im y , im too girly or flirty, but honestly im not, I’m a homebody person, I never had a boyfriend, just because I wore stylish clothes or put lipgloss , buys cosmetics or anything it doesn’t mean im always the bad one.  My dad was a Japanese and my mom was really cool and so are my aunts so eversince I was I child they always dresses me up so basically I’ve adopt to it. Im not boasting or anything but I don’t look that bad either but its also a reason why people judge me, they expect something from me which im not, honestly I really like to read, I want to dress up, but Im hapy just staying at home browsing the net, writing, eating like that,  im different,im childish, im immature, I make mistakes im imperfect, but sometimes I cant do what I want, people always watched me that I feel suffocated, even my friends, well not my highschool friends, that’s why I really miss them,

There, Its already 11:06pm and   I know There's so much more. But then im tired to elaborate things, so I'll stop here. I feel much better now, I know this problem was shallow but im just upset. Tomorrow I hope that everything would be okay again.

sometime ill try to post stories here, im just too shy right now but someday i will , writing makes me feel better :)