First of all, greetings to you all. This is my first blog post and yes, I think I'm going to make this AFF blog thing a routine of mine, since I love blogging. 

I really do.

I started a blog for myself irl because it's fun. Being able to share your daily life and stories with other people, inspire maybe? Yes I like it.

But. Friends in school.

Not that I hate my mates in school, it's just that you know, people judge everyone. So if I write a blog post, they go talk behind my back about my blog and stuffs. So AFF is the safest way. And I love doing this without revealing who my identity is. Less problems and thank goodness, none of my irl friends has an AFF account. 

Don't think I'll start blogging again as a routine like on blogger since it's really public so I'll do it here. 

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School started really badly. First week of school was okay, not so bad but second walk of school, I feel like crying. I think I am crying now?

I do not write that I'm crying to receive sympathy from you all, but really feel suicidal.

Academics are okay, I think I'm trying to work harder than last year to make my parents proud but this year, I don't know if I'll ever survive.

Friends?

You do know that you need friends in school right? To socialise, gain teamwork, gain confidence. You need friends to do stuffs together.

But I really  just do not know who my friends are. I don't know. I feel lonely like I have no one.

I do have a best friend, but she's probably clinging on another friend. And I feel very frustrated, pissed, mad, angry, jealous, infuriated, sad, upset because of this. I had a 1:1 honest conversation with my friend, revealing what I have kept so much inside shortly. 

And she did send me a honest writing too.

Which probably makes me feel even more suicidal.

Well before I continue, we promised that we won't get mad no matter what happens and we'll work on what we have to do.

So she said.

That I was annoying sometimes.

Because.

I tend to pull her around with me wherever I go.

I was so downstruck by this, I cried. 

I felt really sorry and miserable because I'm such a miserable, worthyless person.

I did not know she would have felt this way. I never meant to.

Reason why I have always wanted her to be by my side, is because I don't like being alone.

I don't like the fact that my previous best friends all left me because they found better friends. And with this friendship, I am willing to do all things just to make this friendship work for as long as I can. I try to support my best friend, but turns out all I did was pulling her.

I didn't know. I didn't know. I was speechless. I sobbed.

So this happened today and I had a very bad day yea?

I don't know. I just don't know. I've had enough burden, weight and pressure for the day.

And my heart sank so deep. 

With the addition that I might get a lunch detention because I forgot to pay for my examinations just made me worried. Who likes getting a detention? Well not for me. I do not like getting a lunch detention just on the second week of school. I don't want. 

So much in a day. Hearing such a breaking, terrible news and plus this whole exam me.

Stresses me out. I am tired of life.

Feeling so suicidal. Like I can never be a good person. A perfect person. I want to have people who like me for me.

But because I am never good enough, this can never work. I have no one. ):

I don't know what is going on. I mean technically.

Just want to sleep. Never wake up.

Just want to die sometimes?

How can I be such a terrible person? I feel so sorry.

I don't have anyone who I can talk to. I don't feel very comfortable talking personal things with my mom or dad.

And all I have is her.

But I can't say that I am feeling suicidal, feeling sad, feeling like I want to collapse and die to her right now. 

I have no one.

I just hope things will get better as days, weeks, months gone by. I do not want this whole precious friendship of ours to end.

I just hope everything will be fine. I really hope. I feel like crying. I feel like just;;;;;;;;

IDK IDK IDK.

Why so much burden in just a day?

I am not a person who would cry easily but I am crying so hard. Hopefully my eyes won't be red.

I've had enough. So down.

Why?

The friend my best friend is clinging onto.... She has a freaking perfect life.

Just no wonder? Everyone likes her?

I do like her just in some way. I do dislike her.

Drama queen.

Go judge the "nerds" in class. Go judge people she thinks is weird.

So when we all sit together, I would go like "hands up, I'm outta this."

She judge the nerds let's just say those who are more discipline and proper and hard working when she's not even any better than them. They're probably better than her in a lot of aspects.

Now don't judge me to for saying this. 

I am really sorry. ):

I just hope everything will go well.

From tomorrow onwards, I swear I won't  even try going any further into always asking her to be beside me.

God, please just help me.

Please.

I know things will get better but I don't know WHEN.

Hope this is just a twist of fate. Hope everything will go smoothly.

And I hope I'll still be able to pay for this exams stuff by tomorrow morning.

I hope I won't get a lunch detention.

And I trust this to God.

I hope He listens to me.

I hope He would just listen to me.

Sending up my tears as prayers, I know God has a good path ahead for me.

But this is just the slippery road I'm walking on.

Hope my shoes will still look clean and nice and pretty and new when I reach the smooth, wide path.